Thursday, April 14, 2011

Attention Whore

I struggle with my need for affection and love.  On one hand I know it is a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy urge.  So I just sent out a mass invitation to my birthday party in September.  I'm practically having a panic attack about it.  I am completely overwhelmed with terror and anxiety.  I'm terrified people won't want to participate.  I'm terrified that me asking for people to put out effort is just not ok.  I feel like if only 4 people show up I will feel let down and like it just isn't enough and that makes me a bad person.  Why aren't those 4 people enough?  On my birthday I will have Noah, Shanna, Calli, and Sarah all living in my house.  They love me to distraction.  They would walk through fire for me.  They can and do shape basically every single day of their lives around me if I ask for it or need it.

But it's not enough.

I need magic.  I need a ritual.  I need to be seen.  I need to say to the universe that I am here and I am good and I am wonderful and I want to see that affirmed in the love and faces of the people around me.  I want to go through the rabbit hole.  I want to wander in  Wonder Land with my friends.  I want to make my house fantastical and inviting and have many people come have tea with me.  I want to play.  I want to be a little girl.  And I want everyone to come and tell me how wonderful I am.  And I feel pathetic.  And I feel like I am loser for wanting that.  I feel like that is proof of my inadequacy as a person.

Why can't it just be proof that having people like you feels nice?  Why can't I let myself ask for this without such self contempt?  This is agonizingly hard.  Asking for support and love means risking having people be busy.  It means risking knowing for an absolute fact that you aren't the center of peoples lives.  Knowing that *hurts*.  But you know what?  It's true even if I never say it.  Even if I never confirm it.  Right now I am orbiting out here in space alone because I can't handle the fact that if I want attention from my friends I won't be their everything in the universe.  God.  That fucking sucks.  I don't want to do this.  I don't want this life.

I want to throw a great big party.  I want to invite everyone in the universe.  I want some of them to come.  I want some of them to genuinely want to come and not be able to due to conflict in scheduling.  I want those people to make some token for me.  It doesn't have to be big or expensive.  I want these to be fairly permanent, useful things.  It could be something artistic to go with the mural (I will finish the house project as quick as possible and get more pictures posted) or a neat random lamp you think just *fits* in a room.  I want to fill my house with love.  I want to look around my house and see magical tokens that will help me fight off the demons in my head.

I'm scared I'm losing the battle.  No.  That's not true.  I'm not losing the battle at all.  I'm just not making progress at the rate I want to.  I'm god damn tired of this inching progress.  I need something that will help me rewire my system.

I need help.

1 comment:

  1. oh fuckyouverymuch blogger. i just typed an ungodly long comment that blogger ate. do-over.

    1. i think any number of completely wonderful people loving you doesn't feel like enough because your ability to receive it has been wounded. i know you believe in love, not sure how strong of faith you have in love-of-krissy. but you are healing yourself and your capacity to accept love, which is case in point of how incredible (and powerful, is that weird to say?) you really are.
    2. rituals are good. i think funerals are amazing. healing circles are cool, but not everyone goes to those - everyone goes to your funeral and tells their stories about you, they laugh and cry and pray over you. this should happen *before* you die. there are probably some things in your life that can be laid to rest, some areas where rebirth is called for - or you can forget about the death stuff and just call it a celebration of your life. i think something like that would be great.
    3. i'm so happy you want people to make stuff, and that this would make you feel loved and help you make your house what you want it to be. this makes me feel like there is something more tangible i can do to support you and make you feel loved. i also recently read that our homes are our larger selves . . . so all the work you are pouring into your house right now is, i think, work you are also doing within and for yourself. (which is awesome, obviously.)

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