Friday, April 29, 2011

Important parenting realization.

I may get demonized for this, but oh well.  I realized this morning that I am not interested in living in a consensual living family.  Not with small children and maybe not ever.  Most likely not ever.  I believe that parents deserve to put boundaries up that seem completely over the top inappropriate to the kids.  I am  not being mean I am preserving my sanity so that I do not lose my shit and beat her some day many years hence because it is just the last @#%#@# time she is going to come in my room and destroy my belongings.

My room is off limits.  Period.


  1. You know, I think you should parent how ever you need to, even if it isn't consensual, but I also think having your room off limits doesn't necessarily disqualify you. It's your room, after all and you're allowed to have boundaries. To me, that particular situation is kind of like how, consensual or not, you wouldn't let Shanna walk into somebody else's house and break their stuff.

  2. what is a "consensual living family"?

  3. So it's an awesome philosophy that probably can be followed by sane people in a balanced way. Pretty much every time I see it referenced online the LOUD followers seem to believe that if you are denying your children stuff they want you are bad. You need to find a compromise on everything. To me that feels like appeasing children and I just don't think so.

    If I were feeling fair and balanced I probably would have subbed out "consensual living" and put "child centered" because I think that is probably closer to my problem. :) But when you are whining on the internet a really small piece of hyperbole is probably ok. :)

  4. Having read, I'd really like to know how it differs from "child centered." I have serious issues with what is suggested in that essay. I could see how it might possibly work with older kids, maybe 10+ years old? Maybe. But for babies and toddlers?

    "With accurate information, only the individual is capable of making decisions regarding what is right for him. No one is better at making those decisions than the individual."
    Um. No. Left to his own devices, Makoto would eat pizza and ice cream every day, stay up all night, never have his diaper changed and never brush his teeth. Those are *not* the best decisions for him.

    "We must trust that all members of the family are being truthful, when sharing their wants or needs."
    Sure! Makoto is very truthful when sharing his wants and needs. It's just that in a perfectly normal two-year-old way, his wants can change minute-to-minute. And I'd be insane to try to accommodate that.

    "No coercion takes place in this family, so no one feels the pressure to 'take' someone else’s advice."
    Nope. I will coerce, trick, and cajole my two-year-old to do the things that I think are best for him. I will continue that for at least a few more years, slowly backing off as he becomes able to make good informed decisions about things.

    While I can see how Consensual Living is a good methodology for living with other adults and near-adults, I guess I'm missing how it applies in any practical way to life with little kids.

  5. You are reaching pretty much the same conclusion I reached. :) I have a lot of guit issues around being the authority. Thing is, when you have little little ones, I kind of think you should be the authority. But I suspect this model will be closest to how I live with teenagers.

  6. Yeah, really that's the whole point of being a *parent*. Guide them, teach them, help them make their way. Making the kid lead before he/she is mentally capable of doing so is just abstaining from the responsibilities of actually being a parent.

    So yeah, I'm all for not following this with small kids.

  7. geez, haven't those cl people ever seen the movie "big daddy"? you want your kid to be the stinky kid who names himself fwankenstein? plus i hate websites that play music.

    boundaries make kids feel safe.