Monday, May 30, 2011

Disordered eating

I wouldn't say that I have anorexia.  I would say that there are times when food tastes bad.  Right now I am trying to eat anything we have in our house because otherwise I won't eat at all.  No matter what I put into my mouth it feels like going outside and picking up a handful of dirt would be better.  Things with lots and lots of sugar don't make me feel like I want to vomit when they are in my mouth.  But then I get into roller coasters of sugar highs and lows.

When people ask me about emotional eating I say that it isn't one of my problems.  Maybe the real answer is, "I should do emotional eating.  Instad I starve myself because I have been so thoroughly indoctrinated with the idea that white flour and sugar are poisons."  But the thing is, I'm using those ideas to justify behavior I had anyway.

Noah tries to help.  But he's fucking frustrated.  And it's showing in his tone of voice.  So I cry a lot.  And I'm hungry.  And everything tastes so very very bad.  And my stomach hurts.  And I need to go paint.

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