Thursday, May 19, 2011

Perceptions of reality. I feel like my mother made it very difficult for me to perceive reality. She told me over and over throughout my childhood that I was mean, unpleasant and no one liked me. That no one ever would. There is the strong implication that at least my family wouldn't dessert me because family stays with you NO MATTER WHAT. Here, I'll show you a message from my sister.

"So I keep preaching to my kids that the number one thing you HAVE to do in order to really be part of a family is to forgive, and the second thing is to tolerate all the crap you really don't want to tolerate, because love means forgiveness and tolerance more than anything.

So, whatever it was, I don't care. Whatever it may still be doesn't matter half as much as the fact that I still miss my nephews enough to cry over it.

I know this; if you're a hard ass all your life, you're probably gonna die hard. I've learned a lot.

Relatives are people you put up with at Thanksgiving in order to make family happy. Family are people that will rescue you in the middle of the night even if they really don't appreciate it, want to, or like you very much. I am blessed to have a very LARGE family, and I'm actually well thought of. I don't NEED more family to have a full, busy life. But I do need to let go of all my anger. Unforgiveness is like a poisen you take expecting the other person to get sick. And frankly, if you were to get sick, I'd take it back anyway, so it's a pointless endeavor on my part.

We may not have ever hung out, and you may not even like me, but you're my mother's son. I changed your diapers too (You were the only one with cloth diapers I remember). Me and mom did all the things you do for your boys, and the fact that you can't speak to us really tears us up.

For me, I'd prefer you go talk to mom. Just you. Just talk to her Jimmy. She's not getting younger, and you are not going to have forever to rethink your position. It has come to be my belief that life is hard, and every person that loves a child adds value to that child. If for no other reason, they have someone else they can call when they break down in the middle of the night. You won't always be able to be there for them.... That's life man. And there's going to be at least one of your kids that you just don't get. Are you going to end up not forgiving them too? I can't do that. I can't let my kids go, and you're my baby brother. I know YOU don't remember that shit, but I haven't forgotten.

I wish you could remember more of what she said. Not the stuff that pisses you off - she's good at that too, but the stuff she was always teaching every step of the way as we grew up. She spoiled 4 kids at once, and did it successfully. You of all people should know what kind of effort that requires.

So for what its worth, you've always had my love, even when you didn't have my understanding. I don't have to LIKE you to love you. Mom taught me that. But I forgive you - and I ask you to please grow the fuck up sometime before I die and forgive me back. Cuz you're my brother, and like it or not, I'd still pick your sorry ass up if you got stuck somewhere in the middle of the night. *shrugz* I love you man. I love your kids. And even though I don't know her really, I respect your wife.

So that's it. I wish you and yours peace, love and prosperity."

My sister sent that to my brother on January 28, 2010. There is no mention in there of, "I bet you aren't talking to me because I raped you but you need to get over it." Because that wouldn't be kosher. WE DON'T BRING UP OLD STUFF IN THIS FAMILY. IT JUST HURTS PEOPLE NEEDLESSLY. Because it doesn't hurt me at all that the people who claim that they will do anything in the whole wide world for me will do anything accept say out loud that they are rapists and child molesters. They will not say out loud that they are disgusting vile people who need some very serious help. No. they lie. They point the finger at me. I have distant relatives sending notes like:

"Ok this has gotten out of hand i belived you when u talked about your father but this is enough! my family is trying to get over a very important person dying and all u want to do is start shit and make shit up r u serious with the things u are saying. You go do ur recovery and leave me and my family alone. this really is enough from u!! I am blocking you from facebook and i dont ever have anything to say to you again. II mean do you really understand how you can hurt with that shit!!!!!!"


"You have serious mental problems. I really feel sorry for your children. Please, Please get professional help before you do damage to those poor babies that can not be reversed. OMG I can not believe the vile things that you make up. I really do feel sorry for you and hope that you get help. Do not write anymore of your vile lies to me or Nicole. You have hurt her enough as it is."

Does anyone else feel like my family is acting a bit strongly if they have nothing to hide. I am not keeping this shit in private for any of you assholes. Fuck off and die. I hope that god damn mountain shakes you all straight to hell.


  1. i can't stop thinking about the first paragraph of your sister's letter to your brother. she is basically saying that she is teaching her children to accept abuse. your family also tried to indoctrinate you into this way of seeing the world - it's amazing that you didn't lose that light at your core throughout everything you endured, so that you could see how wrong this is. doesn't that prove to you that you are good?

  2. Yes, my family absolutely believes that submission to abuse is a prerequisite for admission. And I used big fancy words just because it would make my family feel like I was showing off. :P