Tuesday, May 17, 2011

This is the bottom.

Right now I feel so desperate that I feel like if I back away from any part of recovery work, any part of speaking my story that I will hit bottom.  The only place I see to go from here is to beat the shit out of my kids so I can prove that I am a monster.  Until this crisis passes I need to not be alone with my children.  As humiliating and pathetic as I feel.  That is what I need.  I need help.

I have friends coming to spend time with my kids while I hide in the garage.  I should contact a few more people.  This is very hard.  But I have support and I will figure this out.  But it's really hard.


  1. i love you. and i'm listening. i wish i could do more.

  2. I am available but have dinner plans for tonight. Let me know.

  3. Im just here. I wish I could be there, but Im here if you need me.

  4. Any help that Paula or I can give with the kids or with you, just let us know.

  5. I am reading (although not always in a timely way right now). I am holding you in my thoughts. I am sorry I can't offer more support than that. I am glad that you have others to help and support you.

    It sounds amazingly hard. I see you as an amazing and inspirational woman for meeting this hard head-on. You're not turning away from doing the best you can for yourself and for your children.

    I'm wishing you enough spaciousness to handle the next breath, one breath at a time.