Right now I feel so desperate that I feel like if I back away from any part of recovery work, any part of speaking my story that I will hit bottom. The only place I see to go from here is to beat the shit out of my kids so I can prove that I am a monster. Until this crisis passes I need to not be alone with my children. As humiliating and pathetic as I feel. That is what I need. I need help.
I have friends coming to spend time with my kids while I hide in the garage. I should contact a few more people. This is very hard. But I have support and I will figure this out. But it's really hard.