Saturday, June 18, 2011

Lesser evils.

Alright, so when I left off I was freaking out in France and desperate to get out.  It was festive.  We checked out of the hotel 3 days early and asked to speak to the manager about why.  Turns out he was the guy who had located the ethernet cable.  Ha.  When I explained my issues and told him we were leaving he offered us fastpasses.

The taxi driver took us to the wrong train station and told us to take a bus to the correct one.  We missed our train.  I lost my shit and hysterically sobbed on the floor for a while.  Then once Noah dealt with stuff the customs lady yelled at me a lot because I didn't have access to Jenny's address yet.  She told me that I shouldn't be so disorganized because I am a mother.  Great.  Thanks.

What I'm leaving out of that bit is the awesome Armenian guy who sat down with me and talked to me and tried to cheer me up.  He was pretty rad.  He also hates the French but he has to work with them so he is submissive to the system and recommended that I do the same.  No thanks!

Once we got to London a porter found us, noticed that we had first class tickets, and whisked us away to the first class lounge.  He all but washed our feet for us.  I was ebullient!  A country with customer service!  Thank you!!!  The train ride to Edinburgh was smooth mostly because Shanna slept a lot of the way.  We found a random hotel there for one night because we missed the last train to Inverness.

So we woke up the next morning and set off.  There was fuss with not eating but I wasn't completely psycho.  Luckily for the last bit of the trip this wonderful old couple in their 70's came into our car and regaled us with fun stories and anecdotes.  They played with my kids.  They smiled at me and were nice.  I was so very happy.  We got to Jenny's and enjoyed seeing her.

Thing is, by the time we arranged the hotel situation for the unexpected three extra days (literally the only family room available in the city--lots of phone calls) and dealt with all the other stupid bumps I wasn't really functional any more.  I ended up sitting on the grass outside in the garden for I don't know how long sobbing hysterically.  It sucked a lot.  I was crying about my mom and my family and feeling bad and feeling like I can't deal with life because I am such a loser and...

I came back inside when I realized I was walking around the property trying to examine my options for killing myself.  I was at the point of walking towards the street looking for a bus.  It's really bad.  But I slept 8 hours before commenting on someones facebook that I don't think she is going to change society into finding overweight submissive men visually appealing on a mass scale.  Of course I was told I am vitriolic and nasty and I don't care about anyone but myself.  Right.  That started today so well.

But I went off to Jenny's house.  And I got to spend the whole day with her.  And it was wonderful.  Both Shanna and Calli are sick (running fevers, runny nose, not to mention that Calli is teething and constipated--it's a banner day) so the day was a bit whiney.  Luckily that means they slept a lot. :P  Unfortunately they slept in turns so I still didn't get time off.  But that's why I'm up now.  It's not even 8:40 yet so I don't feel too guilty yet.

I am titling this lesser evils because I decided after losing my shit last night that I need some other tools for dealing with my shit right now.  So I sent Noah to the pharmacy for sleeping pills and razor blades.  I need to sleep.  Period.  And I need a hand grenade size stress relief that doesn't require me to be alone for more than a few minutes because I am only allowed enough privacy to pee.  And sometimes not that.

I've been a cutter for over 20 years.  It's not going to kill me.  I was not the one responsible for buying the sleeping pills so there are not enough in this room to kill me.  I'm not happy about preplanning cutting this way, but I need something.  Anyone know someone in Scotland who smokes pot? :P  We've debated going to Amsterdam but I actually think that a week in the Orkney Islands will be more relaxing.  There really isn't that much to do but rest.

Today was good.  I need more like today.

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