I realized tonight that part of the problem is, I'm still grieving and freaking out. And I don't get *any* time to sit and process during the day. So as soon as the kids are safely in bed all of the thoughts come out. I spent a lot of time in the hotel in London in the middle of the night trying not to be very aware that we were 8 stories up and our window was definitely big enough for me to go through. I'm really glad the window in this hotel isn't big enough.
I'm not doing well and I don't know what to do about it. Pretty much the only reason I am typing instead of jumping is because I can't do it to my kids. But I'm running very low on reserves of desire to live right now.
A few hours later and a whole lot of crying. I looked into it and I think we will be leaving France tomorrow. It's not going to be a financial hardship, really it's about the same price as staying the whole time. I'm done. I can do something about feeling shitty in France. I'm going to. I don't have to be a victim. I'm not trapped.