Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Not sleeping

I realized tonight that part of the problem is, I'm still grieving and freaking out. And I don't get *any* time to sit and process during the day.  So as soon as the kids are safely in bed all of the thoughts come out.  I spent a lot of time in the hotel in London in the middle of the night trying not to be very aware that we were 8 stories up and our window was definitely big enough for me to go through.  I'm really glad the window in this hotel isn't big enough.

I'm not doing well and I don't know what to do about it.  Pretty much the only reason I am typing instead of jumping is because I can't do it to my kids.  But I'm running very low on reserves of desire to live right now.

A few hours later and a whole lot of crying.  I looked into it and I think we will be leaving France tomorrow.  It's not going to be a financial hardship, really it's about the same price as staying the whole time.  I'm done.  I can do something about feeling shitty in France.  I'm going to.  I don't have to be a victim.  I'm not trapped.


  1. of course! that makes total sense that you can't sleep because you need time to process and the middle of the night is the only chance you get. that concept will make me less crabby next time i can't sleep.

    i'm glad you changed your plans. i hope inverness is treating you much better. xo

  2. ((hugs)) to you if they are welcome. I hope you can find help or at least some time during the day to yourself soon.

  3. May you vanquish your demons as needed, and I will imagine the battles with them in badly dubbed french :)

  4. Oh dear. I'm so sorry you hit such a low, and very glad that you figured out a way to change at least a piece of it. I hope that change has been helpful and made things better.

    Thinking of you, even when I'm slow to read & comment.