Sunday, June 5, 2011

Weird creepy shut in

I don't think people understand what I mean when I describe myself this way.  I mean that most years we watch one, maybe two new-to-us movies; Shanna has settled into about five movies that she watches on rotation.  I find new music when people post a link to a video on livejournal, I follow almost no music links from facebook.  I don't read the news.  I reread books I already own.  I don't turn the radio on.  My link to the outside world is livejournal (rapidly dying) and facebook (I have cut most people from my reading list because I am too argumentative).  Sometimes I read blogs but right now I feel attacked from all sides so I'm not doing that any more.

No really, I don't have contact with anyone outside my family if I don't talk to people on IM most days.  I am incredibly isolated.  Up until starting Sunday Dinner with A and Y the only people we see most weeks is K and her son.  And we do skip weeks.  I get 0-2 phone calls most weeks and I don't call people for social anxiety reasons.

Given how much I write people feel like they have contact with me.  And if no one comments, I feel like I am screaming into the void.  If I didn't exist, would anyone other than my children and husband notice?

And the more and more time I spend alone the more socially awkward I am.  Making it harder and harder each time I try to talk to people.  Till I don't really want to try at all.

4 comments:

  1. Hmmm. I seem to remember your daughter had quite a few adult friends at her recent birthday party and my guess is most of those are your friends, too. And I have been impressed at how you manage to get people to rise up and help you when you ask them to.

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  2. Sorry, I've been caught up in internet drama to the detriment of internet relationships.

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  3. I myself am socially awkward and in desperate need of a social life. My friends (save for one or two) are primarily my husband's friends. I'm a big-time lurker on LJ and Facebook, and on here (I don't even have a blogspot account).
    I go out to dance events with my husband sporadically, often under duress, often leaving early, and always with the help of anxiety medication. I leave the house once a day to check the mailbox. I love going on walks, but have largely stopped for fear of having to come in contact with other people. I've given up most of my favorite hobbies and past-times because I am too anxious to deal with other people. I don't know what I am going to do when the term starts in September.
    So basically, I go to the library every two weeks to get books, I go to doctor appointments as necessary (a few times a month), and I go grocery shopping (which I detest). And that's about it.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel a little like a weird creepy shut in too.

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  4. I do wish we lived closer to each other...but I do read here, and I'm able to come down occasionally. Also, in reference to an earlier post...I wish touch was more effective at healing the pain, I'm often amazed and awed by your ability to receive massage at all.

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