Monday, July 18, 2011

Cycles

When I spend a lot of time around people who are really enthusiastic in their approval of me I get a temporary "high" and I start to feel more confident and I get into a basically manic state and I go out and I am intensely social in some large community for a while.  Inevitably something happens that shakes my perception of my degree of welcome and I start pulling away.  I generally feel more and more anxiety and I go through a period of dealing with intense abandonment fears and anxiety about the fact that I feel like everyone in the world hates me.  After this happens I start baiting people who are my friends (in my point of view) and I am extremely emotionally unpredictable.  I start getting my feelings hurt and I take everything as an insult no matter how I have to contort to make it sound that way.  I made it so there was no way for people not to reject me.  Before having kids I went into isolation for a while and I stopped talking to people.  Then I would slowly inch my way out again over time and follow some new acquaintance into a new community and start the cycle over again.


Is that a correct description?

1 comment:

  1. i was *just* thinking about this! (mine's a lot different, of course, but my cycle of being more socially outgoing and then withdrawing again.) what about the people who are clearly and permanently on team krissy? how do they fit into it? i mean, does the way you relate to those people also cycle?

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