Friday, July 22, 2011

I'm just whining

Do other people stay up late at night and think about their relationship roster?  I'm not sure if I'm creepy.  Ok, that's a lie.  I know I'm creepy.  I'm not sure if it is creepy that I do this.  It is dramatic to me how much of my life rested on brief chances of starting or ending relationships.  It's not just romantic relationships.  Major friendships can be cataclysmic and define an era of life.  Now that I have more perspective on my actions in the scope of my life I feel a lot more clear about my role in things.  I have more regret than I would like to have.  I am not yet at peace with a few decisions.  I'm not very good at letting go of guilt.

And then I move on to family relationships.  I was very close with Uncle Bob for most of my childhood.  He and Auntie had the lion's share of raising me from when I was very young.  They didn't understand what my mother took me out of their house to do.  They are too ignorant to want to try.  I needed some formal break with my family to let go.

I feel compelled to slam the door on reconciliation on any terms.  No, I cannot be family to you.  You allowed me to be raped when I was a defenseless child in your care.  That is on your head.  You will bear that blood guilt.  How you deal with it is between you and G-d.

I don't actually feel compelled to be up late thinking about my family though.  I'm thinking about Anna.  I met Anna when I was 15 and we were intermittently extremely close and very close.  We totally did the BFF thing for... 11 years.  She never mixed with my other friends in any way.  She was cordial with my boyfriends but I don't know how "friendly" they were.  They never spent much time together.  I always have these intense female friendships completely apart from my romantic relationships.

I don't know how to be an integrated person.  I don't know how to have multiple strong relationships in my life at once.  When a new strong force arrives I have to fire something that is currently in my life.  Oh, I try to phase things out gradually... but there is a noticeable exodus.  I'm worried about some of my current relationship "testing" behaviors.  I'm edgy because I am in limbo.  Sarah arrives next week.  There will be lots of changes.  I would really like to find more constructive ways to deal with my angst than being fussy.  I wanted a better word than fussy but I couldn't come up with anything that most accurately describes it and that says a lot.

I should go to bed. Ugh.

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