As long as I feel ashamed of engaging in the behavior I am obsessed with it. Either I can't have any ever or I am bad, or I think about it all the time and I feel like it crosses over into other parts of my life. I don't know how to have balance.
That's why this is so important to me. I have to get over being ashamed of the things I want. Because I want them and it is actually ok for me to want them. Even though I am a mother. Even though I am a mother it is ok for me to want ridiculous amounts of promiscuous sex. I'm not hurting my family by wanting it. If I started going out and pursuing it constantly and neglecting my family that would be a problem. But I'm not doing anything that hurts my family when I occasionally in my time away from my kids have sex with another consenting adult.
This is why I want to let go of feeling this shame. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. It's kind of complicated. My father started raping me when I was a baby. How do I ever feel ok about having these feelings? How do they ever stop signaling that I must have wanted it and it was all an acceptable thing to do to me.
I kind of hate sex.