Thursday, September 22, 2011
Stuff like that song is why I won't agree to monogamy. I don't want to deal with tearful recriminations after breaking rules. So I try to keep the rules to things I don't want to do any way. I really had to marry someone who is not only ok with, but enthusiastic about me having random sex.
It's kind of weird, but at this point I sort of feel like my sexual orientation is "transgressive". Just like I don't have any vanilla hobbies I am truly passionate about (except for maybe reading)... mostly I'm interested in whatever my partner is interested in. Of course everyones taste drift with their influences. With Tom there was a strong focus on me suffering and being denied. By suffering I mean he wants women in 4" + high heels pretty much all the time. Uncomfortable bondage gear for hours. He's very physically demanding for all that he didn't put out much or exercise. His sexuality is very externalized. It doesn't have much to do with his genitals. He is a true fetishist.
Noah is different. Noah is very interested in intercourse, intercourse, intercourse. Ok, if he has more time available to him he's thrilled to do kinky shit as a prelude to intercourse. But the idea of playing without intercourse is kind of confusing to him. He gets this look on his face. "So you get all turned on and then you...don't fuck... Why?" I really love that about him. At times when I'm at a lower libido (the last four years) it's kind of intimidating to face some days. I sincerely believe this breastfeeding thing will end some day and I will get my own hormones back. My own hormones plus the benefit of never being on hormonal birth control again. Yeah. I'm going to want to fuck all day again. I'm confident.
This leaves me in kind of a weird spot with bdsm stuff. I have been "in the scene" for some value of "in" since I was 18. I maintain contact with that world even though I don't go to events. I have friends there. There is also a fuck-ton of drama. Sex is a powerful force. If you move through a community spreading too much of it around, you develop a bad reputation. You want to know why you develop a bad reputation? Because women are bitches. Do you know what the difference between a bitch and a slut is? A slut will fuck anyone. A bitch will fuck anyone but you. Or so I hear. If you have sex with more than 2-4 (depending on community size) people in a group there tends to start being rumblings. You will be stepping on the toes of other women. They don't want to share with girls like me.
I'm never entirely sure what it is about slutty women that actually unites them into a group of 'them' other than liking non-committed-sex. Some do it for pay. Some do it for fun. Some do it in a desperate search for love. Some do it because their entire family told them they were supposed to. Some do it because they think it makes people like them. Some do it because they don't know how to have intimate friendships without rubbing sticky bits. I would love to say that I don't judge, but I'd be a lying sack of shit. Of course I judge. I judge fucking everything. So what? Who needs to care?
I have a lot of non-committed-sex because I like it. It's fun. I like finding out what it is like to combine energies with a new person. I love that thrill of the new. I don't move on into committing because it's a lot of fucking work. Very few people are interested in dealing with--and I mean actually dealing with, not giving me lip service--my long list of requirements of behavior. It's a pain in the ass. I can't believe there are two adults willing to live with me. My friendships wax and wane as people can deal with my storm of emotions. It's hard. I take a lot out of people. Sex makes that more complicated, not less. I don't have room in my psyche to care about another person for longer than it takes to fuck them. On one hand, that sounds awful. But it's reality. Why does the truth often sound so bad?
I've been getting beat over the head lately from a variety of different sources with the idea that if I am a writer it is my job to write what I know as true as I know how to say it. That does kind of sound like my vocation, yes.
I don't cheat and I don't want to deal with people who cheat. People who cheat do so because they don't feel like it is ok to change the rules such that their behavior is ok. People cheat because they believe they are doing something wrong, but they want to do it anyway. I don't believe that what I am doing is actually wrong. If I lay out the ground rules for dealing with me in advance, it's ok. It's ok for me to have space in my life for what I have space for. The drama comes from people looking at what is offered, taking it, and then complaining that it isn't something else.
I don't think I am really all that open to falling in love with someone again. Never say never, but I doubt it. Being fond of people? Sure. I love my friends. But it's different. That's weird only because Noah isn't like me. Noah probably will fall in love again. I'll tell you straight up that it scares the shit out of me.