Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I'm starting to pay more mental attention to the things that feel off-limits to blog about.  I'm trying to decide where the boundaries will be.  I have been very erratic for a while.  That's hard to deal with.  There is damage from that.  I will have to deal with it in the days and years to come.  I get to make a choice though. I get to decide if me talking about my shit leads to drama.  I decide that, not some mystical other person.  It's hard to live with that.  People are going to get mad at me during life.  I am going to fuck up.  Being a responsible adult with a mental illness means that when I flip out and hurt people I live with the consequences in a mature and respectful manner.  I feel like it falls outside the bounds of "don't air your dirty laundry" and instead falls into the category of strategic planning.  I have to live here.  You don't shit where you eat.

That means that when people are upset with me for my behavior I have to nod and say, "Yes.  I did that.  You are right to be upset with me."  And nod.  And know that I did whatever thing it was I did with the absolute best intentions and hope that some day things will heal.  I have a long life ahead of me.  I don't really want to burn any more bridges.  I can't afford to poison the well of my social community.  I don't have anything else in the world.  It's a complicated thing.

That is what it means for me to choose life.  I have to learn to swallow my pride and deal with situations that are hard because I god damn need a community.  I can't alienate my friends more than I already do.  It's hard being the kind of person that is hard to live with.  I try.  I think there is some bone deep knowledge of how to have long-term relationships that I lack.  I have fucked up a lot of important friendships in my life.  I try to tell myself that the people who have stuck around are the people who want to stick around.  They are the people who are willing to deal with the fact that I severely fuck up sometimes.  I worry about people being willing to put up with me.  I worry about being the monster I am occasionally accused of being.

Maybe if I continue to write about what is happening in my head I will get to the point of knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that when someone is angry with me it is not about me doing something outside my moral code.  If someone else doesn't like my actions... that's a different issue.  I can't control whether or not other people forgive me or want the same things I want.  That's life.  I don't know how it works for other people, but conflicts with people I feel close to generally instill a lot of panic in me.  I try to strategize how best to deal with the situation.  The thing is, sometimes the right answer is to just sit back and let someone else decide if they are ok or not.  Because I am ok.  Even though I am sad about whatever conflict is happening at the moment because it's awesome when things work out such that I get absolutely everything I want, I'm not really interested in changing my situation.  I did what I needed to do.  Ok.

Ok.  I can set this down and walk away now.  It's time to think about something else.

1 comment:

  1. I hope this lands the way I mean for it to: *hug*