Thursday, September 8, 2011

Luckiest girl in the whole world

We kind of ignored our fifth wedding anniversary.  We were busy.  I'm not actually sad about that because the party was fun.  Last night I was told extensively how much I have changed since marrying Noah.  I agree.  For the first time in my life I know what it is like to have someone unreservedly like me.  It's a novelty.  And Noah doesn't just like me.  Noah is kind of obsessed with me.  We have spent hundreds of hours talking about my life and history and psychological health.  There are not enough hours in a day for me to tell him more about the inner workings of my brain.  I was informed that is not normal.  Ok.

It's weird to live with someone who likes me but has no compunction pointing out where I am doing something badly.  It's refreshing.  After five years together, I even prefer his voice in delivering criticism.  When he's consciously trying he's good at being gentle with me.  We have a lot of verbal conversation short cuts that help with my layers of emotional baggage.  That was hard to build.  It is amazing that at this point we can have these massively intense conversations because we can reference this long history of conversations.  I've never really had that before.

It's weird how this relationship is really my "college" education in the sense that most people have them. Noah has encouraged me to learn about things I actively shunned.  He has read books to me and articles and blog posts and comics and we have watched movies together.  We have built this weird unique little subculture just for us.  I imagine this is what growing up in a family is like, because we include the kids whenever we can.  This will be their weird little subculture.  I think about that.  My children will never have normal.  My children will be in the 5%.  Probably.  Maybe.  I hope.  I hope they know that the 5% exists and that they have the courage and fortitude to do anything they want to do.  I want children who are so courageous that there really isn't much chance they will meld into the crowd.  I have that already.

Noah encourages me to feel really happy about being me.  He thinks I should grin when I think of something clever I said.  It's kind of an odd feeling.  He likes it when I am cocky and arrogant.  But then I later collapse in private and have to breathe through my panic attack.  Noah is definitely a mixed bag for my personal development.  Sometimes I wonder if part of what makes me so uncomfortable when I go out into the world is the fact that I know that no one has ever liked me how Noah likes me.  I feel like other people dislike me in contrast.  It's not true.  But it is true that I am starting to run into conflict with friends because Noah has influenced my behavior.

I have Noah at home telling me that conflict is an ok thing.  It's hard to believe him.  It's hard to believe that getting better at arguing is really going to earn me more friends.  Noah is trying to convince me that it will absolutely chase off some of my current friends but it will earn me friends who actually like me more rather than what they are projecting on to me.  I think that is what he is trying to convince me of.  I could be wrong. There is no way for me to remember everything we talk about with super concrete details.  I am out of tapes.

Why is being avaricious in a woman so threatening?  I'll tell you flat out that if Noah gets to the point where he is offered $250k/year in salary, hell yes I'll do anything he wants.  That kind of power and influence is highly erotic to a dirty little street kid like me, what can I say?  He can have a weekend where I do anything he wants.  And the current potential ideas are the kinds of things nice normal housewives should be degraded by.  I should feel devalued and lessened.  Cheapened.  Instead my response is: hawt.  It gets me off to think about it now and it will really get me off to do it.

My marriage wouldn't work for everyone, but we're having fun.  I can't really see another way for me to deal with my class issues, really.  I could pretend they don't exist... but they do.  We like looking at things head on.  I don't see the value in pussyfooting around my stupid little landmines.  If I'm going to set them off, let's go kablooie.  Why not do it in a way that maximizes the fun.  Seriously.  I don't consider that a real question.  This is work I need to do in my life.  I need to deal with my class issues.  Mostly I talk about them in therapy, on the internet, with friends, with Noah, and I think constantly about them.  Ok, not constantly.  But they come up and I address them.  And every so often I go and play some dramatic game about sex exploitation.  So what?  I think that giving my husband a weekend for sex that we will both find really hot is a pretty reasonable reward for him being a fan-fuck-ing-tastic provider.  I don't really care if anyone disagrees.  (Then why am I writing about it on the internet.  *sigh*)

I want to try to explain how I see Noah.  I really do.  I don't have the words this morning though.  He's such a big concept in my mind.  I watched this bad bad movie recently about 20's relationship angst and the big whore butch dyke finally settles down into a monogamous relationship because "You hold my interest."  I like the fact that sleeping with other people reminds me that I married the right person.  I enjoy it.  I want to do it again.  But I married the right person.  Never before in my life has anyone cared enough about me and my happiness to change their behavior for me.  That's the part that other people don't get.  That's why I keep them at a distance.  They think I have to just "learn to accept them", which means that I have to change to suit them.  Noah looked at me and thought that keeping me and making me happy was worth making dramatic bone deep change.

I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.  He has absolutely changed for me.  Yes, I'm going to change for him too.  Because I want to validate the important parts of him that much.  Because I think he is worth it.