And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still it's hard to find faith...
But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me believe"
I listen to country music because it makes me cry. Because it is just as sappy as me. It's kind of a weird balance that the more I think about having sex with someone other than Noah the more I am inclined to cry and feel unworthy of him. It's a hard balance. I like it, and I want to pursue it. There just seems to be some magical amount of it that is hot for my marriage and more than that starts to feel threatening. I need to keep my priorities straight. Noah is forever.
It's scary to think about forever. How long does that really mean? I won't know until it gets here. But I really like thinking that I can plan for 2020 with Noah. What do we want to do with our life? It's hard to tease out which parts are just for me and which parts are just for him and which parts are actually for both of us. It feels important to me to have some idea in my head so that I can ensure that we are all getting our needs met in the most balanced way we can manage. The funny part about our life is that if Noah didn't program for a living he would do it anyway. That makes me feel a lot less bad about him spending so much time at work. Just sayin'. From where I'm standing programming looks like programming. I'm only kind of serious.
Why do I fuck other people? Do I do it for me? Do I do it because I think that is the kind of girl Noah wanted to marry? It crosses my mind once in a while that I do feel pressured to be slutty. Noah really likes the trashier the better. I've noticed. But oh man it feels comfortable. When I am not actively flirting and/or hunting I feel like part of me is dead. I feel invisible. I feel... like I have no value. Yes, I recognize that it's fucked up.
You know, I can tell myself that it's fucked up and I should get over it. Then I could stop going out and flirting. Somehow I don't think the problem would evaporate. Today I went to the Westboro Baptist Church counter-protests in Cupertino. At the Apple campus that rather charming young man was clearly hitting on me. I uhh mentioned my partner and kids and he sighed deeply. I was just trying to amass the courage to say that didn't mean I was unavailable! Then his friend pulled on his sleeve and he left. Oh well.
I think that's a lot of why I don't mind that I like extracurricular sex so much. Because I don't actually do almost any of it. I think about it obsessively, but so what? I vacillate between feeling guilty because I think about sex outside my marriage let alone doing it and feeling kind of boring because I have so much trouble scoring. I spend a lot of time laughing at my own stupidity. I like these double binds where I'm wrong no matter what I do.
I say I have trouble scoring because when I finally find someone who is interested in actual NSA sex right now I turn him down. I won't sleep with someone who is cheating. Ha. I guess I do have standards. Other than that I am batting 1 in 3 for attempts. I'm pretty glad for that one, let me tell you. Otherwise I'd feel a lot more sad. It's weird to feel almost sad for not finding random sex. Because I want such a specific kind of sex, of course I'm not finding it left and right. Noah has spoiled me.
I think I spend so much time thinking about possible sexual encounters because otherwise I want to start a remodeling project and I really need to spend some time sitting on my ass in between running. Really. My poor body needs a break. I'm kind of bored of reading. I'm not interested in more time watching movies or television. I have cut all my reading filters down so far that they only produce about twenty minutes in a day. I could obsess about my kids, I suppose. Instead I think about sex. It's more fun.
I think that a lot of the fantasizing about other people is just a way of creating roles for us to play later. We do a lot of roleplay during sex. Honestly that's a lot of why Noah is so fun. It's like having a whole harem in one. He's willing to do absolutely anything I want. It's pretty miraculous. He uhm lacks some of the technical skills I miss though. I'm trying to figure out which ones I care about the most and why.
I miss being tied up. It's been a very long time since I've had a serious bondage scene like I used to do with Tom. Not since March of 2006. It's not that I haven't been tied up since then. I have. But I haven't done a bondage scene that gave me the D/s aspect that is important to the experience. It's hard to figure out how to talk about this. There is something missing. It's probably easier to talk about Max than Tom, there's less emotion there. So Max is Tom's best friend. They have been best friends for nearly two decades now. They learned rope at the same time from different sources and then came into the scene at the same time and strongly influenced one another.
Max is one of the nicest guys I have ever met in my life. He's also one of the nastiest sadists. And he has the best quietly commanding air of anyone I have ever met. There have only been a few men ever who can say, "May I please have a glass of water?" and my response is to jump up and run to get it and return it on my knees saying, "Thank you for the honor of serving you, Sir." I'll tell you plainly that I never came anywhere close to having sex with Max but oh god I thought about it. I was always very sad that I didn't know what a man that powerful needed to get off.
That's it. I like finding people who are interesting to me and finding out what gets them off. What sexuality goes with that outer shell. It tells me a lot about peoples insecurities. I know how to deal with people once I know how they get off. I know what their needs are. I find out who they need me to be. Because I require that my sex partners talk about what feels good and what they want. What do they want me to do. Please instruct me.
I can't go to bed with someone who can't talk during sex. It doesn't work well. I never feel like I know what to do and it's awkward and slightly uncomfortable. Those kind of people are the sort who don't want to have sex on the first date. They want to go on 3-5 dates and then you are supposed to suddenly just "know" without instructions. Bah. Lousy lovers. No talking in bed, no sex for you. (with a nod to Sarah)
Saying lousy lover is a bit strong. But it means we aren't compatible. So much of what is going on in my head is related to the things that are said more than anything I feel in my body. Ok, I'm trying to use gender neutral language as if sex with men is like sex with women and it's not. I haven't slept with very many women in the last few years. I'll tell you plainly it's because I'm sick to death of pillow princesses. I have only managed to find a few active women in the last ten years. I pretty much stopped trying because I'm tired of doing all the work with bicurious or heteroflexible women. Ahem. I'm sure the problem is where I am hunting, but I don't know where to look.
Men are easier for me to relate to. They tend to not bring their emotions into sex. And when a guy starts telling me he is in love with me I'm in trouble. It rarely goes well from there. All of a sudden they have needs outside of sex I am supposed to meet. I tend to feel angry about that because I can't. So I feel like I am disappointing them. Like I am failing at my responsibilities. That's frustrating and my response to people adding frustration I don't need is anger. It's not optimal. It's one of the biggest things that keeps me tentative about going to places I know would be more target rich environments for sketchy catches. I'm trying to only hunt in places I have a good chance of running into people who won't fall in love with me. I'm a good friend and a good lay, but I'm not girlfriend material.
What is the difference? How is that all tied up (ha) with the bondage I miss? I want an intensity of focus in my interactions that people other than Noah frankly can't sustain. I think that someday he will be able to do exactly the kind of bondage I want him to do. I just need to get my head out of my ass and teach him. It's my fault he can't do it yet. I get really impatient and mean because he's not perfect yet. He needs practice and I don't have the patience to give it to him and I don't encourage/allow him to go practice with anyone else.
I'm aware that this is one of those 10,000 hour skills. Do you know why Tom and Max are so hot? Because when I met them more than ten years ago they had already been each tying people up for over ten years. So they are each at twenty-five or more years of tying people up recreationally. No shit they are better than Noah. They had to start somewhere with a patient girlfriend. I'm so sick of being patient. Dear god. Is there one more fucking thing I can add to my life where I have to be patient? Bah.
Max is so hot because Max is a Master because he knows his will down to the letter and he knows exactly where he wants to delegate and where he doesn't. He's not messy. Ever. (Ok, I'm sure he is occasionally because he's had personal issues just like everyone else, but not in front of me in any capacity.) He mastered his emotions. So when he ties me up every move feels deliberate. For that space of time *I* am being almost an object that he wants to touch and move around. And in the process he slowly adds rope that is tight but not overly painful for the primary purpose of restricting circulation and blood flow so that I get light headed.
I don't know if that explanation makes sense. But it's really hot. Being tied up by someone really skillful is nice because it doesn't have to be overly painful in order to be effective. You can slowly be pulled through neat stretches while nicely light headed. I like particular positions more than others, of course. And being suspended is amazing because fighting gravity is always intense. Not having any part of my body resting on something makes me feel giddy. Even if I'm not far off the ground. It's intense and scary. Once Tom put me 75' off the ground. I really like being anywhere off the ground I can. I've always liked climbing trees and fences.
For most of my life I have had several recurring dreams about flying. I feel like the suspension fits into that part of my psyche. It's a way to escape this mortal coil for at least a brief reprieve. I can dissociate without the fuss of someone feeling bad because I can't feel anything they are doing while they are having sex with them. That upsets people.
Being completely outside my body feels safe and comfortable in a way that very few things do. I can will myself into doing that while stone cold sober just sitting in a chair. But it's really hard and I lose focus easily. When I'm tied up it's almost impossible for me to be present in my body after a while. I get to simultaneously become hyper aware of my body and completely feel absent from worrying about it because I feel like I am soaring through the air free from it. It's wonderful. It's not all the time food. Well, not for me. Not without Tom. That's ok. Noah has other perks. It's weird to miss that so intently; it's weird to miss Tom. I feel disloyal.
That feels tied up with my current anxiety around not wanting to get attached to anyone other than Noah. As usual, for me, it also feels tied up with the incest. My father told my brothers that they have the right to have sex whenever they want. Rape was specifically fine. It didn't matter if it was a chick outside the family or inside. If you want sex, you should have it. If you can't find it outside the family it is the responsibility of someone in the family to provide it, if you can take it. So my mother, sister, and I had to fight Tommy off for years. It's a good thing he was disabled or I would have lost. I was 4.5 years younger.
If I like people and want to get to know them I feel like I have to be available for sex in order to be interesting. Which is tied up with the fact that when I like people I want to have sex with them. And I really enjoy the kind of getting to know people I get from having sex with them. I find it deeply fulfilling to get someone off. Really. I get this boost that lasts weeks. It's very similar to the feeling I have when I am serving someone. I can get the same getting-someone-off-high from serving someone in a D/s capacity. It's a lot of why I miss it so much.
Noah builds me up differently. The biggest difference between Noah and Tom is that Noah could probably tell me my whole life story back to me right now before I write the book. Because he has asked over and over for information and he has bothered to remember. I doubt Tom could ever tell anything about me other than "She had a bad childhood." He wanted a very different kind of relationship than me. He wanted less of an examined life. Fair enough. This takes a lot of time away from doing other things. But it's my hobby.
I'm feeling kind of guilty about how antsy I am to find someone to have sex with. So my thoughts keep wandering to how I can start painting the pantry today. I think I should just get laid.