Last night I told Noah that I am willing to have sex every day, even on days I'm not into it, in exchange for him giving me the courtesy of the public lie that I am interesting enough to be enough for him when we are out together. That's the kind of thing that makes him furrow his brow and take a long deep breath. It always looks like I've kicked him. I probably did.
Everyone makes a different kind of peace with nonmonogamy. Mine is tattered and barely existant. I wish I didn't have this deep compulsion to sleep with other people so that I could declare it off limits for Noah. But I do. This really sucks. He wouldn't be happy about me trying to require monogamy, but he'd deal. He took his marriage vows seriously. I don't think I can give monogamy. I think I would become obsessed with cheating. I think that my periodic times when I am driven to obsessively check okcupid (even though it's just about a dead end at this point) would be a problem if I was monogamous. It would feel different.
As a nonmonogamous person I'm allowed the freedom to think about looking pretty much any time. That's fun. That lets me think about myself as a sexually available person and that is linked to all kinds of fun energy. I like that part of me a lot. NRE just isn't available in long term batches. I think Noah and I have a more affectionate than average marriage... it's not NRE. It's not new-person-hot-sex. It's different. There is a kind of being seen I get from making sex work with new people. It's important to me.
It's important to Noah too. Fuck him. Jerk. Meaniehead. He doesn't want me. I am not enough. This is tinged because I can see him raising his eyebrow at me. NO IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT ABOUT YOU, JUST ME I AM THE ONLY INFERIOR ONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. ahem. Emotions are really stupid.
All of this comes down to a horrible hypocrisy on my part. One I'm not sure how to resolve in myself. I feel like part of my current issue is that I don't like seeing Noah play with other people unless I was actively involved from the get go and never walk away. I can't walk up on Noah playing. It makes my stomach flip flop and I want to cry. I hate it. He's mine. He's the only person on the whole fucking planet who is mine and how dare someone else touch him.
And I hate that my awesome, wonderful husband wants to make other women fall in love with him. Because he does. I really kind of hate him for that. It hurts. He's not as into the fuck and run as I am. He can do it when I'm putting that requirement on him, but it's not his preference.
I am going to fall apart when he finds someone. This is going to be awful. I don't know how I will handle this. I really kind of hate nonmonogamy. I feel bad for the women who have to deal with me in order to get Noah. I feel like a horrible partner. I feel like a bitch. Like I just suck at doing this. I don't know that I can be nice to someone Noah falls for and that's not ok.
I'm borrowing trouble. I have a little less than four years till he's allowed to go after that kind of thing. In the mean time I think he should start going to parties to hunt alone. It's not don't ask don't tell. I just don't want to watch.