Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My issues with our house.

Alternatively titled "Noah's House of Whores" but I thought it would be pretty fucked up to have that be the URL.  I have a lot of deep seated issues around my sexuality.  I am increasingly comfortable referring to myself as a whore.  I can't tell if this is a sign of my lowering or raising self esteem.  Well, at least if I'm a whore I'm a damn good one.  I picked a very specific flavor of being a whore.  Yes, yes, he married me.  That "sanctifies" the sex and justifies him supporting me forever just because.  Only that's not true.  There has to be a balance or relationships don't work.

I think Noah would be capable of turning off his voracious need for sex if I required him to.  I think he would become a shadow of himself.  I don't want to break him.  That's not why I married him.  I want to see what he can do.  I knew that it was going to be an E ticket ride.  Noah married me because he likes my extremes.  My willingness to communicate.

I chose this relationship because it felt right.  Because this meets my needs.  It bothers me that I need to have a partner I can think about the way I think about Noah sometimes.  To back up, I never wanted to live in this house.  To me places kind of absorb the energy of the people in them.  Noah has dated a lot of women here.  I saw a fair bit of it.  I know even more of the women who came and went.  I'm actually on good terms with the majority of them.  (Uhm, apologies for referring all of you as whores--it's about me, not about you.)

When I am out with someone I tend to feel enormously bad if they pay attention to someone else.  If I come back from the bathroom and Noah is cuddling someone else?  I feel like I'm about to vomit.  It's instant and visceral.  I have this flash of terror I knew he would stop wanting me soon.  He was just waiting until I stepped away to show it.  It's even worse if he keeps his arm casually around said other woman and beckons me closer.  Because then it's not that he doesn't want me.  It's that I'm not special enough to be interesting by myself.  I'm better with a friend.  Anyone improves the experience.  The writing over the past few days has been about my dad and how he treated me when I was five and under.

I don't like the parallels about how I picked a partner who wants me to be an enthusiastic whore with no ability to say no to sex.  Very uncomfortable feeling.  I'm supposed to be available to anyone and everyone at a whim.

This is not true of course.  This isn't how Noah feels.  But it's how I feel.  This is my internal dialogue.  This is the pressure I put on myself.  I feel like it is my duty to be sexually available, even if I don't want to.  Even if I'm not enjoying the sex.  Especially if the person wants to hurt me.  I don't like the fact that pain makes me orgasm when gentle touching does not.  I don't appreciate the fact that my husband doing any amount of vanilla foreplay can't do much of anything for me.  But pain does.  That's part of why I feel like a whore.  My sexuality has to involve degradation and pain or it doesn't count as sex.  It really sucks.

That's hyperbole.  But it's more true than not.  I have to be objectified.  I have to be used to get someone else off or I feel like I have failed at what I am obligated to do during sex.  Thing is, my husband doesn't really like that I need to feel that way.  For all that Noah has done some heinous shit to me, he doesn't want to be that person full time.  He doesn't want to make me feel bad about myself daily.

So how do we handle sex?  Gingerly.  In ways that feel fairly unsatisfying sometimes.  I feel dirty and used.  He feels sad and like he is hurting me.  But he isn't.  It would be much worse if he stopped having sex with me.  I get most of my touch needs met through sex and massage.  I can only afford to pay for so much massage.  I can't handle having people touch me non-sexually most of the time.  I don't know how to react.  I panic.  I feel scared.  I don't know what they want from me and my impulse is to run as far and as fast as I can.

Nonmonogamy makes this all more complicated.  Noah sleeping with other people reminds me that my hooha is not glittery.  I have to be honest and say I'm bitter.  I feel let down.  Me sleeping with other people reminds me that I'm not good at following rules or bonding or doing the things people are supposed to do in relationships.  Like be faithful.  I suck at that.  I get antsy and then I feel absolutely compulsive about finding a new partner.  There is some gaping need I have and I know no other way to fill it.  I need that attention.

God I resent the shit out of Noah needing it too.  Then I feel like an asshole hypocrite.  He's supposed to just know that me being nonmonogamous is because I am defective and icki and kind of ignore it and be above such base needs.  Or something.  I'm so emotionally raw we shouldn't make any long-term decisions.  I don't know what I want.

I know it has been true for a long time that sex always feels taboo and like I'm doing something bad.  I wish that would change.

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