Sunday, November 6, 2011

non-monogamy has down sides

I'm feeling highly avoidant.  The funny thing is, I wrote that sentence down and went.  Hmmm.  Am I?  Yes, yes I am.  This non monogamy stuff is complicated.  I feel extreme jealousy.  Mostly I try to keep my tone civil and ask for my needs to be met and just deal with the fact that I have strong emotions.

Gah.  This is mom stuff.  This is her picking kids and liking one at a time.  But it's not just that.  Noah has a lot of need for space from me.  It's kind of hard for me that part of why I want to be non monogamous is because I spend a lot of time alone and sad.  Because Noah is busy.  Noah's response is to take some of that time that was previously mine and want to go fuck other people.  It's kind of hard not to take it personally.  I feel always like I don't see him enough.  Yes, I choose to go out.  I choose to go out because I'm going to lose my fucking mind if I don't.  But meeting my needs elsewhere means that he takes away from me.  I can never tell if it is a net gain or not in terms of energy.

Why am I doing this?  Why is this important to me?  I got very emotionally invested in my muse very quickly.  Now I'm starting to feel like I should shove him away from me as hard as possible.  I hate that I have this constant niggling fear that he won't really want the month.  I'm too much trouble.  I'm too annoying.  I'm too hateful.  I'm too... bad.

I'm pretty sure that's not his thought process.  And I don't think Noah wants to hurt me by using his rare possible time to play with other people.  It's not like I maximize my time with him.  But I'm feeling avoidant.  It's really annoying.  I dislike the fluctuations between feeling good about myself and loathing myself.  This month is going to be intense.  I need to get a better handle on this.  I'm having a hard time keeping perspective.  Ok.  hackhackhack

Noah wants to go off and sleep with someone else because he has been feeling invisible too.  He hasn't gotten to go hunting on his own like that in years.  Go him.  He's going to come back and try not to look too happy because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.  I hate that I do that to him.  I don't like that I have this emotional response.  It feels like it is actively nasty to him.  But it's not.  It's just a lot of acid in my stomach.  It's ok that I feel insecure.  I don't need to.  I have no reason to.  But it is actually ok.  Noah is the only person in my life that I can actually count on.  Of course it scares me to think of him not wanting me.

But he doesn't sleep with other people because he doesn't want me.  He sleeps with other people because it lets him feel like he's impressive again.  He's a show off.  It's not the same with the same person year after year, I know.  I want him to have that feeling.  I just kinda wish one of his other hobbies supplied it.  I'm a lot less dramatic than I used to be.  I feel bad saying that.  Because I was dramatic.  Do you know why I try to deal with it?  Because if this is so important to Noah that he is willing to deal with year after year of me being kind of an asshole about it... he can have it.  Really.  He lets me go off and do my thing and have my tantrum.  I come back and apologize.  He pats me on the head and we move on.  I think he's earned the right to prove, once again, that he's coming back.

It wasn't as intense with muse, but it was there.  Mostly I was just freaking out about the Occupy stuff, but I felt kind of weird.  I didn't want to do the cuddly make out thing right before he went off on a date with someone else.  I can see the appeal of getting more of that touch at any moment possible.  I can.  I feel really raw right now though.  Our sex feels really personal.  A quickie before you go to work is great.  A quickie before you go fuck someone else... makes me feel like just one more hole.  I want to be special, damnit.  I don't even know what that means.

One of the guys I dated a long time ago had a habit of picking a girl up when we were out on a date.  We only dated for three months.  That means if this happened a lot... uhh... it was a high percentage of our dates.  It's not that I minded the sex.  It's that I didn't feel like I was much of a focus any more.  I was an accessory to the experience.  Hm.  That's about the objectification line.  How and where am I willing to lay back and be someone else's fantasy without complaining about my needs.  That's an important thing to think about.  That's a boundary line I've never been good at defining.  That's the difference between doing this in a healthy way and an unhealthy way.

I can't do spur of the moment objectification all the time.  I have to be in the right mood.  It's a sometimes food.  I should just go to bed and stop whining.  See, avoidant.  I probably will feel better tomorrow.  It's hard to be present with the fact that I have these intense emotional states... and they don't mean much.  I don't think other people should change their behavior based on my moods.  I may need to change my behaviors based on my moods though.

So tonight I left the party way earlier than necessary.  And I left Noah there.  I went home alone because I knew I would rant and rave and cry the whole way home whether anyone was with me or not.  I put on my awesome footey pajamas.  I made ramen.  Now I'm eating ice cream.  Comfort foods = awesome.  I do feel better.  Less intensely self-loathing.  Less like, obviously Noah wanted to go have sex with the nice, pretty lady because I'm a terrible person.  Right.  Heck, I'm even glad that muse had to get off line and go get ready for his date.  It means I stopped the whiiiiiiiiiiiine at him as well.  I feel less guilty about whining in my blog.

Part of that is I feel like whining in my blog has a higher chance of making me feel like I've reached a conclusion.  I control the flow of the conversation.  I don't have to stop and listen to someone else talk.  I am so terrible awesome.  I feel like I have too many things I want to say stored up in my voice box.  I feel like I don't get to speak enough.  Sometimes it is hard for me to say the important stuff when someone else is around deflecting the conversation because I never get down to the deeper layers of stuff.

The thing is, I feel just as bad when Noah stays out all night programming.  It's really and truly not about the sex.  It's the time.  When people want to see other people it means they don't want to spend that time with me.  I feel like the only way for me to get through Noah having dates is to stay home alone.  Because I'm not great company on those nights.  Cranky.  Hopefully the morning will be better.

I hate nonmonogamy because it proves there is no glitter in my hooha.

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