Today I was facebook stalking an old friend. This friend is a shaman and I was looking through picture of a wedding where said person performed the ceremony. How's that for awkward non-pronouning.
Noah claims we are going to have a wedding for our tenth anniversary. I don't believe him. Want to know one of the secret reasons I eloped? I have wanted to have a big fancy wedding my whole life and there aren't enough people in the world who love me to justify one. I really wish there were hundreds of people who wanted to come to such a celebration about me. But there aren't. And that's life.
Anyway. Noah says he is doing this. I don't believe him. I'm not allowed to believe in this before it is happening because this not happening would wreck me. If he continues to say that he will do this... and he doesn't do it... that will be massive. That will kill me trusting him. That will kill any chance he ever has again of making me a promise. So I don't believe him when he says this. He's lying. He's telling a story. He's building a sand castle.
That kind of thing isn't part of my story. I don't get to be that person. That only gets to happen to nice people. People who have friends. People who are not stupid creepy shut-ins. People who are not broken. People who have families. People who do not behave badly in public. People who do not bring shame on their family.
I was thinking about this because, if I was going to have such an event. Who would perform the ceremony? Who would I trust to do that for me. Who could be the promise keeper for my relationship. Who actually has such power in my life? I don't know.
It's complicated. It's a good thing I don't believe that it will happen. That would be an intense thing to have to decide.