I told Noah that I would be fairly ashamed to tell people how we are moving forward. According to my personal religion that means I am committing a sin. It's mixed. Mostly I would say we are getting along very well. I'm not starting fights or insulting him or picking on him. Noah is his usual polite and adoring self. It's like nothing happened except we have massively increased how much sex we are having and how degrading our sex is.
We have spent a lot of time talking about how compulsive I am about sex. About how that works in my head. We have spent a lot of time talking about how impulsive Noah is about sex. So far we seem to be at the point where we are both acknowledging that we qualify as "sex addicts" by any reasonable definition but maybe if we stick with each other we won't cause too big of problems?
Apparently the task of the week is to see how much sex we have to have before Noah can't handle any more. So far we have managed three times a day every day. Then I fall asleep. I feel mixed about this. He knows I feel mixed about this. Hell, I'm writing about feeling mixed about this--everyone will know. It's hard talking about the actual needs that casual sex meets for me. I can meet some pretty fucked up needs without telling anyone what I am doing. I never have to tell my partners what my internal dialogue is. I don't have a very high opinion of myself and my voracious need for sex.
I don't have a very high opinion of the fact that my preference is for most of the sex I have to be quasi-consensual. Noah is well aware that a large percentage, possibly "most", of our sex involves me not being in the mood at all. It doesn't really matter if I am interested in sex. I am interested in being a good whore. That means I will do what I am supposed to do. I feel manifestly uncomfortable admitting that. A large percentage of the sex I have I only have because I feel like I am required to do so. That is what someone like me is good for. That is what I am supposed to do. And I'm really good at it. And I fucking live for the post-sex adulation. People I fuck tend to be willing to tell me at great length how good I am at sex. I try very hard to make sure I work far harder at sex than most women. I really really want the approval I get after sex.
I feel like something is broken in me. That I chase this so hard. Noah and I have been talking a lot lately. I don't think I am going to sleep with other people any more. Regardless of what Noah ends up doing for the rest of his life, I need to stop buying affection with sex. I need to stop begging my friends to like me by proving that I am better at sex than anyone they've ever slept with. It's not really a strategy that is working for me.
I like to pick other sex addicts and go have multiple hours of sex with them. Most of the time they are so shocked by finding a woman who is also as motivated by sex that they are willing to tell me pretty much anything I want. It's broken. I have a partner at home who is willing to do the Jekyll/Hyde thing with me. He will degrade me and talk about me being a whore during sex. He will tell me that if I am so motivated by cock I am required to show up at 5am every day and wake him up with my mouth. And he's pretty nice to me the rest of the time.
I feel worried by the duality of our relationship. Most of the time in most ways he really is an amazing partner. He is a good, stable provider. He is kind. He is great with our children. I have been able to push him towards mutually agreed upon improvements in behavior over the years. He's very willing to accommodate me in just about every part of life. He bends over backwards for me in nearly every way. He will even call me names and hurt me tremendously during sex if I tell him I want him to.
There is this mythos in my head that slaves and masochists should experience no internal conflict over what they do. I have massive internal conflict. I am still upset that Noah lied to me. And my response is to tell him more and more complex stories that I am terribly ashamed of. Things that hurt me very much. And I ask him to use them against me. I want him to agree that I am just a dirty whore. There isn't much else that someone like me is good for. But I want him to gift wrap it in a package where I don't have to be at risk going forward.
For me to keep having the kind of casual sex that I like is for me to risk my life. It really won't be much longer before I go back for hunting for rough, dangerous sex. Sure I'm being all loud and snotty this round of hunting because I want vanilla sex right now. That would fade. I would go back to wanting people to do dangerous things to me. I've already had a broken bone in the pursuit of good sex, what else will happen?
It is a lot safer to stick with Noah. He will be able to hurt me as much or more than anyone else. He doesn't flinch from doing so. Noah has not yet inflicted as much pain on me as a small handful of other people, but he has every intention of doing so. I get the impression that some day he will be the one I have done my most intense play with. That kind of terrifies me. Because he has a high bar to reach. I have already done things that were a really bad idea. I'm sure I will do more.
If I do this instead of cutting or sleeping around or drugs or whatever other self-harming behavior I can dream up... is that better? I don't know. I don't know how this life thing is supposed to work. I hear I am just supposed to magically decide that I shouldn't be harmed any more, not by anyone. Not by me, and not by random guys, and not by my husband. But I need this. I am so used to feeling shit on. I require it so much.
Noah has been nice and patient for a long time. We haven't done intense or painful or degrading sex in a long time. He's been more respectful than that. So I got bored and went out and slept with other people. And the thing is, it's not enough that he does these things to me. I need people to know that these things are part of my life. I need for people to know that I am this person. I can't have this done in secret. I can't keep secrets.
It would be a sin if I did these things and kept them private and secret. I believe that. That is something that I have to hold on to in life. Something is only a sin if I am ashamed to talk about it. If I am talking about this now, does that mean I am released from the power of it being a sin? I don't know. I worry about needing what I need. It's mixed.
I can point in a straight line from events in my early childhood to what I do now. Come March, other people will be able to do so as well. Noah already can. And he stomps all over me with that knowledge. Only in ways I find hot, of course. Is that the difference? Is that the line between what we do and some amorphous "abuse"? If I tell Noah to stop doing something on a given day he does. Except by prior arrangement. Except that I know that I just don't bother to say no when I'm not in the mood. I figure out how to let it happen. I figure out how to permit him the access he wants whether I want it or not. I don't generally bother to communicate whether I am in the mood or not. If he tells me to do something, I do it.
It's interesting when people talk to me about how self-assured I am. How self-possessed. How willing to stand up for myself. Ha. Only sometimes. Only in some ways. If a sexual partner is telling me to do things I frankly don't want to do I have limited ability to communicate my wants. It depends on how I am doing emotionally and it depends on how much I am invested in the partner. I have casual sex because I can have boundaries with strangers. I have repeat sex with long-term friends because I have beaten them down in non-sexual settings and they don't push real hard out of fear of a backlash that will never come. I don't have boundaries with my long-term partners. I barely communicate anything about my limits beyond telling them what buttons will get them the biggest reaction today. "Today is ____ anniversary so why don't you hurt me by doing _________."
It's not a sin if I talk about it. I don't know what it is, but it's not a sin. I have decided this for my own personal pantheon of beliefs.
These needs all predate Noah. They are not because of him. Most of them are not really about him at all. These are things that were broken in me as a child. But he frankly enjoys many of the ways I am broken. He feels no shame whatsoever in enjoying what I became as the direct result of years of sexual assault. Well, maybe he feels a little shame. But not much. Not enough to prevent him from trying to behave in ways that will keep me from getting bored in the future. Not enough to lessen his enjoyment of what this deep feeling of shame causes me to do during sex. His favorite part lately seems to be that I'm really ok with him fucking my throat until he causes me to vomit. I have a fairly reactive gag reflex. I consider vomiting to be just part of serious blow jobs. I don't think that is normal. It never feels like it is really a good time to say, "Could you back off on the deep throating?" I don't get to set terms like that. I get to accept.
In about ten minutes I have to get up and close the computer. I will walk across the house and I will do what I was told to do. Do I want to? Enh. Not really. My throat and cunt are sore. I could use about a week off from sex to recover at this point. But I draw comfort from the fact that I have confessed so I go forth without sin. I will smile. I will encourage him. I will beg him for more, in fact. It doesn't really matter that I'm sore. That's beside the point. I don't think I should go have sex with other people any more. I don't think that is a good decision for me. He says he is going to be monogamous as well. No, let me be clear. He will be as monogamous as I am.
I fell compelled by my shame. I told him he would be allowed to sleep with whomever he wanted, forever. I promised him that. At no point did I tell him I would like it or feel happy about it. I feel like I did a bait and switch. I feel like I owe him for all the sex he will never get to have because he was stupid enough to marry someone as insecure and selfish and possessive as me. I feel guilty that I seem to have tricked him into monogamy. In turn I fell compelled to say, "Ok fine, I guess I can't be monogamous either--go have fun."
I sincerely believe I should stop having sex with other people. I should not act on feeling compelled to earn love and affection with sex outside my marriage. It's bad enough that I do it with Noah. I don't actually think I should go out and find a harem of men who will cheerfully call me a whore during sex. I don't need that. I do enough of that all by myself.
I feel so broken. I seem to have absolutely internalized that anyone who fucks this many people is kind of disgusting. And all I want to do is increase the number so I can increase just how many people will think I am disgusting.
But Noah doesn't care. He doesn't care at all what I've done or what I might do in the future. He wants me. He takes great pride in me. He loves me and adores me. He bends over backwards from me in pretty much every part of life. Except when he's being impulsive. Oops. His friend told him, "The problem with your situation is it's hard to know when you are cheating." Maybe if the rules are clearer then it will be easier to figure out what to do?
I feel like I have taken something away from him. He was poly when I met him. How dare I take that away. I seem to be the epitome of what Dan Savage and Mistress Matisse warn about. That evil double crosser who promises poly and can't hack it. I'm sorry I am so broken. I really am. I wish that I could encourage Noah to do anything he wants with anyone he wants. Hell, I do encourage him. But it hurts me when he does it. I'm sorry that is true. I really am.