Thursday, December 22, 2011

alone

This morning I am thinking about the fact that I will always and forever be the only one to defend me.  The only one who thinks I am worth defending.  The only one who will ever tell anyone to stop hurting me.  That makes me sad.  I am alone in such a basic way.  Noah will never defend me and no one will defend me from Noah.

That makes sense.  It is my marriage.  People don't want to get involved.  Just like people didn't want to get involved with my family when I was a child.  There's no sense in being mad at Noah.  Mistakes happen.  He didn't realize he had conveyed such a strong sense that no sex would happen.  He meant to be a little bit of a jerk, not a cheater... so why be mad?

I'm sorry I'm such an angry person.  I have a lot of very good reasons to be angry.  Fuck you if you don't agree with me.  Fuck you if you make me the butt of your joke for my anger.  I'm really tired of people mocking me for being angry.  I'm tired of people telling me all the time how very angry I am.  I should just stop talking.  I know I can't stop writing.  I kind of tried.  But I should stop talking basically entirely. It's not fair to force anyone to put up with my nastiness.

I am angry.  I am so very angry.  And apparently that's not really an acceptable thing.  It's not acceptable that outside the view of my children I punch walls until my hands bruise.  It's not acceptable that outside the view of my children I cut myself.  I do these things because I am angry and sad and I am told to shut up and bottle up that anger.  I can't any more.  I feel so much rage.  And it makes me snippy.

My tone of voice sucks.  As a result I get to be the butt of every joke.  I loathe the comments.  I feel mocked and ridiculed and silenced.  I feel like I was told the polite version of shut the fuck up.  That's what pseudo-civilized people use as code for, "Your turn to talk is over."  Fine.  I got the message.  I'll shut up.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  It's a good thing.  I need to talk to her about how strong my suicide ideation is.  (No one fucking report me.  I'm not going to do this to my kids.)  I don't know how to get the thoughts to stop right now.  I don't know how to feel any hope that my life isn't going to be just an abusive fucking nightmare forever.  And no one will give a shit.  No one will ever care.  No one will ever defend me.  How do I have any sense of self esteem to evaluate when I need to get out?  How do I preserve that shred of me?  What do I do?

I don't know right now.  But I'm scared.  I don't want to live with a partner who will tell me to my face that he is not going to have sex with someone before doing so.  What else will he lie to me about?  Yes, I realize it is all my fault he had to minimize his chances because I am such a nasty fucking bitch and all.  I'm trying to stop talking so that maybe he will never have to lie to me again.  Or at least next time it won't be my fault for being a bitch.  Instead it will be my fault for being withdrawn.  I'm really scared.

And when other people think about what to do when their marriage falls apart they think of their family resources.  I curse myself for trusting Noah and I wish I hadn't spent the last annuity payment as donations.  I wish I had the sure knowledge that I could leave this marriage the same way I came in, on my own with money that didn't come from anyone else.  Now I will forever know that my "safety net" is at Noah's discretion.  Sure, he's going to allow me to open another bank account and transfer his money into it.  He's a nice guy and all.  He wants to look committed.  But I know I am now at his discretion.  And that's when he breaks my trust.

This shit is so fucking complicated.  And I'm alone with dealing with it.  Because I have no one and nothing.  Being an orphan fucking sucks.

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