Monday, December 12, 2011

Hunting is hella awkward (this whole thing is tmi)

We went from having a weekend of lots of planned sluttery to only having sex together.  This is rather hilarious, I think.  But Noah was approached on okcupid.  He's making a date.

I love masturbating right after sex.  I'm sore and overly sensitive so it kind of hurts and it takes me a long time to have an orgasm.  I have to really make up a story in my head.  I'm just starting to do this again.  I haven't done this in years.  I don't masturbate when my kids are in bed with me.  I like to follow the stories that come up.  Often they involve sex with one or more of my friends.  It usually involves me getting to meet some need in their life.

Having sex with your friends is shitting where you eat.  It's hard because having your needs met feels really good and it's easy to get upset when you know people in your life can make you feel that good but they choose to schedule their time elsewhere.  That's a hard thing emotionally.  It's a lot of the reason that I am gun shy about polyamory.  I have my priorities set where they are set and no I am not fucking adjusting them for someone else.

I don't think I have ever hunted the way I am hunting now.  I have never gotten to set the terms before.  It's really hot.  It's really hot to have people be willing to seduce me by email before we ever show up in person.  I have a great correspondance going right now.  The problem is that people get to the date and then have performance anxiety.  I don't have performance anxiety.  I'm that good at sex.  As good as I say and better.  Because if you write me a script in advance I will make sure it is a script I can play and then I will play it to the hilt.  It's really fun.

People who know me have a hard time engaging with this part of me.  They already have so many experiences that have made them gun shy.  I should make people gun shy on a day to day basis.  I'm kind of twitchy.  You don't know how my moods will flow, it's true.  Pushing an agenda on me is normally a questionable idea.

Except when it isn't.  And I don't know how to figure out the boundaries around this with people I know.  But I am learning how to do it with strangers and it's really hot.  One hiccup is that I was asked if choking is really a hard limit.  Uhh, yeah.  It is.  No hands around my neck at all.  I don't care that you like to assert your dominance that way.  Find another way.  Hey, I'm a nice girl.  How about if I tell you that I have been thinking a lot about face slapping?  You'll believe me because I've been so clear about my boundaries in every other place.  Start slow, of course.  I'm sensitive.  But if that is interesting to you... I would feel put in my place.  Just sayin'.

It's hard to do these exchanges with people I know.  I don't trust very many people to that level.  It's hard to use your friends as one night stands.  They feel bad.  Friends feel used and abandoned.  It's important to not spike that oxytocin too high with people who already are more emotionally connected than I am.  That's shitting on people I like.  Because they get hurt.  I don't like doing that.

I am really thrilled about how many dates are happening.  I'm having fun.  I'm thrilled that Noah's response to me hunting is to start talking about going to the gym because now he has to compete.  He totally doesn't.  But I like it when he is in better shape.  Our sex life improves.  And given where it is... oh my.

I think it is funny that I hunt so hard for sex with other people when I know that Noah will be a better lover.  Every time.  It's kind of like how Noah won't eat McDonald's, so I go without him.  I have these tastes for things that are bad for me.  My vices.  I like McDonald's, ramen, and dates with new-to-me-men.  I'm going to get to the point where those are it.  (I eat McDonald's like once a month.  Just sayin'.  Happy Meal joy.)

Noah tried to wake me up for sex on Friday night and I bit his head off.  Thursday I didn't sleep much so I was cranky.  I made it up to him by waking him up on Saturday morning.  And we went to a party and played together on Saturday and had hot sex.  And we came home and had hot sex.  And Sunday afternoon Sarah took the kids out and he tied me up and did wonderful things to me and we had hot sex. And Sunday before passing out we couldn't stop pawing at one another... so we had hot sex again.

Sometimes just being near him makes me shake with wanting him.  I have felt this voracious need for sex basically all of my life.  For the first time it's not only ok it is preferable.  Because Noah actually likes me and appreciates me.  I worry about how other people will perceive me for being this kind of person.  I worry and feel stupid for worrying.  Of course people judge me.  So what?

I am not at risk of being hurt.  It would be very hard for anyone to hurt me just because they disapprove of my behavior.  My kids are far more sheltered than average.  They have a fierce sense of body autonomy and you can't get that if you are abused.  They shine with good health and love.  I don't have a job that is at risk.  Noah tells me he doesn't care what I write.  He'll take the hit.  Because I'm worth it.  I am financially secure enough that I will never have to play a public game again in my life.

Still I feel this fear.  If I feel this afraid, what is it like for people who have something to lose?  I have hubris on my side.  I can limit my hunting pool ridiculously.  I seem to be only hunting among people who have college degrees, often PhDs.  Not because I care but because those are the ones with the cajones to message me.  They are the only people who are willing to put up with a long list of nitpicky requests and demands from me before they meet me.  People who will write a sex script with me before meeting me and allow me to call a large percentage of the shots.  Am I actually doing risk management this way or am I lying to myself?

Communicating clearly that I am a sure thing gives me this sensation of butterflies in my stomach.  That moment of revelation, when I have to say I am interested in sex feels incredible.  Because I am interested in sex.  Not with anyone.  With people who can talk to me and help me make a script and help me figure out why I am there.

That's what I'm doing with the pre-writing.  I'm giving myself a chance to create the back story on why the kind of girl he is fantasizing about would show up for the experience he is about to have.  Everyone wants a different why.  I'm very curious about why people think they should have sex.  It's different from the why they have for love.  The why people have about sex tells me so much about their life.

Most people think they should have sex because they are in love.  It's kind of a weird thing, to me.  Why do I think I should have sex?  Because it feels good.  Because I like carefully balancing how much of my life is devoted to things that feel good to me.  The specific kind of feel-good I get from sex with new people is apparently worth a lot of effort and angst to me.  I'm trying to get to the point where I can attenuate the effort and get rid of the angst.  I'm not for everyone.  The kind of people who are in the right place to do exactly what I want... that's serendipity.  I need to be honest about the emotional cost.

I need to stop being messy with my emotions in my house.  Sarah has nightmares and I make them worse.  I'm not yelling or screaming.  But I am huffy.  I do visibly shake with anger.  To someone who grew up in a violent household I look like I am on the verge of hitting.  I need better control.  And that means I need to back off on hunting.  It's taking a lot of my brain cycles and that makes me short tempered elsewhere.

I need to figure out how much energy I actually have left once I am meeting my obligations at home.  Right now I don't feel like I understand that balance very well.  This is where I don't have a map.  I guess I do though.  I painted it on my wall.  I'm going into the cave.  Sometimes.  Or I'm wandering off to have an island retreat.

Have I mentioned that due to plumbing mishaps I have a white wall in my house?  The possibilities are endless.  I still haven't painted the garage door.  All of these things take energy.  Energy I am currently holding in reserve because later today I am going to go shut down the Port of Oakland with a few friends.  I'm bringing my kids.  And after the Port Shutdown I will be dropped off for a date.

There is only so much of me to go around.  I only have so much energy to give.  It's really awesome; I have to be pragmatic.  What do I want to have in my life?  What are my actual, actionable priorities?  What am I doing with my time and energy and how is it balancing throughout my life?  I have to think about these things.

I am sad things went the way they did with muse, but I can't say I'm surprised.  I shouldn't have tried for a month.  I know better.  I know I don't have that kind of energy for a relationship.  I should have left it at the first date.  If my one night stand hunting culminated in a night of bath house sex where I don't have to talk to the person after that... that would have been great.  I was stupid.  I tried to get the short-term boyfriend experience.

Know yourself.  Know your limits.  Noah has different limits.  Hell, near as I can tell everyone has different limits than me.  That's ok.  It's tricky trying to figure out where I get to have  rock hard limits around what I can and can't request from people.

I'm interested in one night stands.  If you aren't, that's fine.  We aren't a match.  Move along.  Don't get mad at me and I'll try not to rant about you.  I'll make that promise to all the future boys.  I'll try not to rant.  Which is to say that I will rant but try to be balanced.  You did good things too.  We just aren't a match.  No shame in that.

That's why.  That's why I'm hunting.  Because I am continuing the behavior I have done my entire life but not I am trying to do it without shame.  I want to find a way to balance this part of me that feels bad because other people do not value it with the knowledge that it does bring good to my life.  It gives me the energy to go conquer the world.

I'm probably not going to schedule a one night stand attempt in January.  I need a rest from that energy drain.  It's time to re-evaluate the energy I'm giving to my sex life.  I promised Shanna that I would make her a play house in January.  I can't be tired from staying up all night for sex and do that.  It's going to be awesome.  Just wait.  But it will take creativity.  It has to fit into Wonderland.

How can I talk about parenting and being a slut in one post?  Because I'm both.  That has to be ok.  I'm not actually doing anything shameful.  I have an unusual hobby that most people don't share.  Like people in this valley should fucking judge.  You are all a bunch of weirdos.  What the fuck is this geocaching shit?

I think that if you look at history you will find a lot more people who pursued sex voraciously than people who beat some video game.  Who is the freak?  Ahem.

2 comments:

  1. Eh, I think more people would be sluts* if they could be certain their partner wouldn't be hurt and would still be with them.

    And more singles would be sluts if they weren't concerned with getting a partner and fearful of what an eventual partner would think of their history.

    *Note, I'm using the label you chose even though I don't quite view what you describe as being a slut. I think of sluts as people who have a lot of sex primarily to manipulate others rather than because they like sex.

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  2. Well then what word is appropriate for folks like me? Whore is loaded. Friendly is misleading. :)

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