Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Bonding

I think a lot about why I want to overshare my emotional experience while hunting.  I think that part of it is, I don't know how these things go for other people.  Does everyone waffle like me?  Noah says he doesn't.  Does anyone?  I don't know.

I feel like my whole life has been a weird balancing act.  I have to do enough hard things to balance out the easy things.  I'm not really even sure what that means.  Why do I feel utterly compelled to promise elaborate sex acts to strangers?  I can't do it with people I know very well because then I feel like I have to live up to that promise all the time.

Last night I did well.  I closed.  Three times.  Excellent.  It helps that this was one of the rare times when I have taunted this person in real life previously.  He was ready for some follow through.  I feel giddy that I managed.  It's like checking a box on a treasure hunt.  w00t.  Inspired hot sex three times in one night.  And he didn't finish quickly.  Excellent stamina.  I feel like women are judged this way, why shouldn't men?

Why shouldn't I talk about sex as if it is a perfectly respectable hobby?  Excepting religious reasons... no really, why should anyone care?  Granted not everyone wants to hear about it, but I don't want to hear about golf either.  So?  Why are most hobbies morally neutral but sex is bad?  Why am I bad because I like to feel this way?

It's not like I have devoted my entire life to it.  I'm doing a few other things as well.  Like writing about it.

Sarah is taking Shanna to Arizona tomorrow.  I will miss them.  It's always hard for me when Shanna visits people without me.

I have a date Thursday night.  I need to go to bed early on Tuesday and Wednesday if I want to be in the mood.  If it was for tonight I would cancel.  I'm burning too hot.  I'm using too much energy and way way too much at night.  I'm so tired.

I feel the kind of tired where I am emotionally raw.  This is how I always came home feeling.  And my mother would pick a fight.  When I feel vulnerable like this I am sensitive and I easily feel shamed and unwanted.  It doesn't always happen after sex with new people and it can happen with Noah.  When I feel like I am breaking taboos this sometimes hits.

I feel really bad about telling the guy last night "Maybe" when he asked for a second date.  I feel like I made promises I don't intend to keep.  I kept my mouth shut about things he said or did that were complete relationship deal breakers for me because oh man is that not a battle I'm interested in.  I'm not trying to hurt him.  I think he is a fine individual.  Just not someone I want to be in a relationship with. Oh the sex was hot though.  If we run into one another at a sex party... maybe.  If I'm in the mood.  He certainly did most of it just right.

It feels like as a slut/whore/whatever word you want to use having those kind of preferences is kind of mean.  I'm supposed to just take people as they are and like them.  Mostly I do.  But there's always one thing... I know it would drive me batty.  I go home and thank God that Noah doesn't have/do/think/whatever the thing was.

This is why I don't feel polyamorous.  Not really.  Only I have my boys.  I do feel a connection to them.  It is pretty much always more intense on their side.  I have a date scheduled with my shaman.  We haven't been on a date in about six or seven years?  And it was a four or five year gap between that and the previous set of dates.

I have a long cycle sometimes, apparently.  It's interesting to learn that about myself.  I'm glad I didn't stay with Steve because I would not have had the room to grow to be the person I am now.  I like who and what I am.  He wouldn't have stood next to me for this journey.  He wasn't my partner.  Not like this.  Tom didn't want to have kids with me.  That is why I left him.  Having children was more important to me than being with him.  I made the right choice.

I am strongly dyadic in my bonding.  I do very intense one on one bonding.  And then it scares the piss out of me and I run away.  Noah is the only person I have ever met who can really match my intensity in an on-going way.  We take breaks occasionally when we are escalating, but we always come back to a topic.  We can always finish talking about something no matter how hard it is.

I have never had a person in my life who will do that.  I would follow him off a cliff because no one will ever make me feel seen the way Noah does.  I'm protective of this space.  I feel terrified of it being encroached on.

That's why I only go on first dates.  I have no interest in finding a new bond right now.  Fuck you all.  You all suck compared to Noah.  I'm not going to go on a second date and start dealing with the fact that you can't have conversations the way I want to have them.  It feels like a waste of my time.  I'm not interested in sitting through multiple dates where I have to silently roll my eyes and put up with shit that irritates the fuck out of me.  Everyone irritates me.  Everyone.  But I can turn around and tell Noah what he is doing that irritates the fuck out of me.  I can't do that with anyone else.

It's very stressful being around people and being polite.  I'm really not very polite in my head.  But I want polite children.  I have gone most of the way towards creating polite children.  When they start behaving in a way that irritates me it is because they are mimicking something I've done.  If I want to change their behavior the first thing I need to do is identify where I am behaving in a sub-optimal way and change it.  I put a lot of pressure on myself right now.

But people seriously irritate the fuck out of me and I'd like to yell at them a lot.  I don't.  It's not personal.  I'm sorry I feel this way.  But I do.

I don't go on second date because that one little thing that irritated me?  I left thinking about it.  I constructed a story in my head about that little personality tic becoming part of my life.  Oh god that would require a lot of patience.  Can't do it.  I'm sorry.

I've done a fair bit of recycling old hits in my head, lately.  I've gone on dates with several old flames, with mixed success.  I'm interested in seeing how things have changed with my shaman.  I feel weird about the fact that he is ok with being available for me whenever I want him over the course of more than a decade.  That's... holy shit that's commitment.  I love him.  But I'm not and I never have been "in love".  It's dramatic that I now have Noah to compare everyone to.  He changed the whole scale.

I like inspiring people.  Really good sex can change your world view.  There are so many good chemicals.  The aftermath of goodness can be bittersweet.  I like inspiring people to feel better about themselves.  I want them to feel affirmed for the one gift I am willing to accept from them.

I'm tired.  I've had a week of bad sleep.  I feel guilty that I avoided conversation last night by falling asleep.  He woke me up after an hour and a half to put me on bart.  Fucking slick, Krissy.  I feel bad.  It's not like I did it on purpose.  I'm really tired.  But uhm, that shouldn't be part of the first date.  Kind of poor form.

Noah is trying to schedule a date for Thursday.  I have extra impetus to not cancel.  Bother.  This is the kind of thing that inevitably happens around him dating.  If I cancel it gets weird.  He's just as (or more) twitchy than I am at this point.  He acts like he should be kicked.  I have a hard time when Noah puts his head down and looks like he is in pain.  Like I have already been berating him... just because he feels guilty.  I haven't said anything.  It makes me angry.  And then I'm going to say things.

This is a bad cycle.  Mostly in our life he acts like my ambient anger isn't about him.  He goes about his life being cheerful and dandy and on his own time.  This is a good thing.  When he feels like he is to blame for my anger the dynamic changes.  I feel like an abusive asshole because he starts flinching.  It's hard because it feels like my anger isn't much higher than normal but all of a sudden I am bad for feeling it.  WTF?  Why do I have to be Miss Susie Sunshine on this sacred topic above all others?  I'm a cranky person.  I just am.  Why is it surprising around this topic?

Why am I only not allowed to feel feelings about this.  You are fine with them on every other topic.

I'm going back and sleeping with my friends because I have already been fierce and aggressive and they have proven they really like me.  It's weird to show up and let them surprise me with how they actually want to touch me.  It's weird finding out what is on the other side of the brick wall I build around myself.

First date sex has a certain loneliness to it.  That's the bittersweet part.  You know that this person doesn't really know you.  When you plan to disappear in the morning you hide behind that knowledge.  You carefully don't present yourself at certain times.  It's not worth finding out how this person feels about 'x' controversial topic.  For me to carefully censor what I'm saying...

This feeling.  It's like what I had as a child.  When I was being sent to a new place.  I desperately wanted to please them.  I wanted to be liked.  Not being liked was so bad.  So very bad.  When people don't like me they tend to loathe me.  They feel free to say the nastiest, meanest things possible.  They do this because I reveal a lot of intense personal feelings quickly and then other people bond to me.  Then when I reject the bond, because it was ephemeral for me, something that was completely true in the moment and not true later, they know personal things.

I'm being vague.  There is no way for me to recount the people and ways I have been told I am disgusting for the kind of sex I like to have.  I had a good night last night.  I don't want to do it again soon because of my own issues with being patient with people.  He did nothing wrong.  He's awesome.  My shaman is wonderful.  I feel much more connected to him than I do to most people.  I only want to go out on approximately a dozen dates over a decade.  It's not because he has done something wrong.

I feel like running away from intimacy this hard is a sign that I am deeply broken.  If people cannot be everything and perfect then I have no space for them in my life.  And I judge everyone against Noah and find them wanting.  I'm lonely.

A lot of the impatience is just that people feel weird to me.  I never feel comfortable.  I always feel fake and like I have to be thinking very hard about not saying "the wrong thing" because inevitably someone will blow up at me.

Talking about sex and relationships feels especially charged and fierce.  People always feel weird to me.  I'm not very adaptable.  I have times where I can do it, but it's hard.  I'm always poised for inevitable rejection.  Some woman who wrote me a nasty dear Jane letter felt the need to go back and change her RSVP to a no for an event I had in 2010.  Uhm.  Wow.  Thanks for letting me know, again, that you still dislike me.

I feel inadequate to the task of living my life.  I feel like I keep writing checks my body can't cash.  I haven't run in a few days.  I'm too physically exhausted.  Shanna and Calli and I did help shut down the port yesterday.  That was a walk.  I was impressed with Shanna's tenacity.  I gave her multiple opportunities to wuss out when she got tired.  She said, "No!  I can do it!  I'm buff!"  My strong girl.

I feel a vague desire to probe her for why she introduces herself as She-Ra.  But that's people hacking and she can't consent.  So instead when she does it I just smile along.  I don't know what to say.  Why should she feel more attached to the name I picked out?

I'm teaching her to be kind of weird.  I feel bad about that.  I'm very good at talking to strangers... if I initiate it or if they follow a pattern of questions I recognize as "valid".  I can answer some questions easily.  Other times I freeze up and feel really dumb and walk away muttering about my inadequate social skills... she notices.

Today there is a park day trip to the park where I used to meet the above mentioned Dear Jane woman.  It's a great park.  The homeschool group is going.  I keep thinking to myself that I'm not there to make friends.  I'm there to let Shanna make friends.  I don't know that I can do it.  I can't sleep in, ok fine.  I need to start going to bed earlier at night.  I'm so tired I can't function.  This is not useful.

This is part of what I mean when I say I can't date.  I don't regulate my energy well.  Right now I'm trying to do too many things.  I can't do everything.  Time to drop some balls.

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