I'm having one of those come-to-Jesus soul searching moments. Why am I going?
I picked this life. I want this life. I would not be happy in a different life. Yes, I have some intense conflict. I know where my loyalties lie. I know what my responsibilities are. This is part of mastery. It is. This is making a choice. This is about going out to the store and picking the mattress and the frame and the sheets and the pillows and lying down in it. In a tacky ass crotchless body stocking for you. I think they are so silly. But no problem. I can do that.
And I will smile. And yeah, some pieces will be a polite fiction. I don't have to love every page to love the story. I need to not feel bitter about my choices. I really and truly am making them of my own free will. This is what I want.
But it's really hard sometimes. These are very old wounds. You know. It is terrifying. This is where I need to stop bitching. I need to make a choice. And I need to climb in that bed and smile or I need to get the fuck out of it. I don't want out. I don't in any part of me.
I'm sorry I make this so hard. I have to be sure this is really what you want. This must be something you want very much if you will put up with so much. I can stop testing now. I'm sorry. Some decisions are harder than others and I have to ensure that you really want it this much. I have to make sure this isn't going to hurt me in the long run. This will be no big deal. Really.