Friday, December 2, 2011

Integrity

My therapist asked me today why I am so much stronger than other people.  Why I have been able to do things that other people can't.  She said she thinks of it as integrity, but it's more than that.

I told her that I did a lot more things before I was 18 than most people do in a lifetime.  And I did them in weird bursts with new people.  Then I, inevitably, was chased away because people didn't like me.  I was too different.  Too weird.  Too... something.  Then I had months or years to sit around and think about what I did and what other people did and look at patterns.  I was always a reader, so I knew that other people didn't have lives that looked like mine.

I don't think that most people who are abused as intensely as I was have the same kind of boom and bust cycles.  I think that most people stay in one place with one pattern and they live it over and over again.  I've had so many patterns I can't name them all.  Yeah, yeah, I've always been hyper-sexual.  But it's different now.  I no longer fall into bed with people who obviously dislike me and are just interested in getting off.  I have higher standards than that.  My patterns have changed a lot over time.

I don't think most people are given the time and space to do that.  To reinvent themselves over and over for more than twenty years.  I had a lot of opportunities to try things out and decide they didn't work for me.  I would never see these people again, what did it matter?

I'm stronger because the only person I have ever had to look at for a long time is me.  And I can't live with myself if I behave any other way.  Why in the fuck should I worry about making anyone else feel good about themselves and their shitty behavior?  If it makes me feel bad, I'm the only one I have to worry about.  You are your problem.  That is a mixed thing.  But it means that yes, I have a lot of integrity.  I am up front about everything I do, everything I am.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  If it drives other people off... well... that's just business as usual for my life.  It's not scary.  I know what that means.  I will always be able to find new people.

It means that when I look at Shanna and Calli I have to think really hard about what relationship I want to have with them.  I'm pre-scripting my permitted behavior over the next twenty years.  If I don't write the script now I will ad lib.  I'm not a person who can be trusted to ad lib.  They are the first people ever in my life where I feel responsible for the effect of my behavior on them.  Everyone else is on their own.

This is really intense.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not a person who can be trusted to ad lib.

    Interesting. That assertion (about ourselves, not both of us thinking it about you) is another unusual thing we have in common.

    (Interesting. The RSS feed here doesn't work any more, and it won't let me post as my LJ account)

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