Wednesday, December 21, 2011

just shut up

I feel like the way forward for my marriage is for me to stop talking.  If I want Noah to feel safe and comfortable talking to me I need to stop being so negative and shut up and give him... I don't know.  I guess I'm supposed to be pleasant all the time?  It's really not ok that I'm so prone to attack.

I keep startling Sarah too.  She flinches a lot.  She keeps getting this look on her face like I slapped her.  I don't mean to be so nasty.  I really don't.

All I can hear is my mother hissing at me, Shut up, Kristine.  I need to shut up.  The common factor in all of my different relationships is me.  Obviously if I have the same problem over and over the problem is me.  I'm sorry I'm so angry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.

I don't want to be angry.  This hurts so much.  I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of spending my whole life waiting for someone to do something nasty to me so that I have an excuse to be nasty to them.  I'm sorry that I am preemptively hostile towards behaviors that are going to long-term do me no good.

I'm really tired of having life events happen that will make me feel ashamed when I write the next Christmas card.  Because I won't mention them.  Because they are not fit for "civilized conversation."  I need to keep my fucking dirty laundry in the closet.  I need to shut up.  Shut up.  Shut up.  Shut up Kristine.

What am I going to teach my daughters?

The cycles of abuse thrive in secrecy.  Children of ACOA... act like they grew up with an alcoholic.  The problem isn't the alcohol.  The problem is the behaviors ingrained in your family.  That's why I can't be around my family.  Because shit just keeps happening and things snowball when there are secrets.

I try very hard to be respectful of Noah in my writing, always.  Yes I occasionally rant about him.  I try to present balance.  I want my daughters to believe that they deserve better than I believe I deserve.  Please, if there is a God, let my daughters think they deserve more than I think I deserve.

But I have what I have.  I don't know yet what that really means.  Everyone makes mistakes.

Thing is, my daughters are unlikely to ever know this happened.  Not unless I tell them.  Or write about it a whole lot.  No one will remember a couple of blog posts in a few years.  I will know for the rest of my life that I deserve someone who cheats on me.  I have no way of controlling his behavior now or in the future.  He will do whatever he does.  I get to decide what I am willing to stand near.  That is the whole limit of my ability to enforce any so-called-standards.

I don't really believe in divorce.  I think I made my bed.  What am I going to teach my daughters that they deserve?

This has been a bad year for me for grief.  I have cried a lot.  Uncle Bob's death has triggered a whole ocean of tears with all the backlash toward my family.  I am crying over my non-relationship with my father.  I hurt so very very much.

And I am unpleasant in the process.  I am such a bitch that my husband can't tell me the truth without risking my wrath.  He figures it is just easier to defer the anger till after he finally gets to have some fun.  My co-parent flinches from me constantly because I am so nasty.

Shut up, Kristine, shut up.  Just shut your stupid, nasty mouth.  What is your fucking problem.  I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm so angry.  I'm sorry I'm so difficult.  I know I expect too much.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so terribly sorry.  I'm trying to shut up.  I'm trying to be pleasant.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.

What I'm teaching my daughters is that if you aren't "nice enough" people are allowed to turn around and kick you viciously once in a while.  And when they do it is your responsibility if to ask how hard they want to fuck you after that.  You are supposed to ask what else you can do to turn them on.

I really kind of make myself sick.

I can't feel self-righteous.  I did "expect" him to fuck her.  That's why I asked multiple times if he thought  there would be sex.  I was hoping that maybe I would get an email or a phone call or a something if he was going to be able to close the deal.  Or she would say no on the first date.  I don't know.

He said that sex 'wouldn't happen'.  Why did you bring condoms then?  He just said it because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  Why am I so god damn mean?

I don't want monogamy under duress.  I don't want Noah to stop dating other people just because I am such a stupid miserable bitch.  I'm tired of being the reason people can't have what they want.  Because I am so fucking nasty.  I'll shut up.

I don't want Noah to be monogamous with me because he doesn't want to deal with the drama of dating other people.  I would only want a monogamous relationship with someone who actually felt that way about me.  Noah doesn't.  I don't get that this lifetime.  I don't get to really be wanted that way.  My partner will always wish that he had the freedom to fuck pretty much anyone at pretty much any time.  He won't do it because he doesn't want to deal with the drama.  He has a high level of self interest that way.

I'd rather learn to shut up than live with trapping him.  If you don't want to fucking be with me then don't.  Go fuck someone else.  I don't want your fucking pity.

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