Thursday, December 8, 2011

Not so casual

What is the difference between casual sex and NSA sex?  I'm getting the impression that I should stop advertising for casual sex.  I'm not very casual.  I'm very intense.  But I don't need promises.  I don't need someone to start planning around me.  I can't meet anyone else's on-going needs right now.  I'm not really meeting the needs of everyone in my life and I don't need to feel like more of a failure.  I have nothing left to give.  I'm out trying to get my needs met and there is a fairly limited amount of reciprocation available for that.

I don't want to shut my mouth and avoid frightening topics so I can fuck people who otherwise wouldn't be interested in me.  No thanks.  That's not ever going to be my role again.  I am not a generic hole.  I am a particular taste and not everyone likes it.  That's ok.

It's really weird to sit with my feelings around hunting.  I feel like I want this with a disproportionate intensity to what I should be feeling right now.  I'm acting like it is a failing on my part that there aren't hoards of people interested in me.  Maybe that's the wrong approach.  I don't have time for hoards of people and telling them I'm not interested is hard too.  Better that only people who are serious candidates make it past the first screening.  So far that seems to be working out.  But it means being patient.

A lot of the problem is I'm sending out weird mixed signals.  I want aggression but not pain.  I want fairly quick transition into sex but I want someone who is intensely interested in sex with me not generic sex.  This is why I'm not hunting in any of my known pools.  I don't think it works out to be so demanding with people I already know.  They have expectations and experiences of me that I don't want to have to plan around.  I'm going to avoid my previous partners for a while because I'm skittish about the pain stuff.  I don't know how to hunt for people who want to make me feel nice things instead of pain.

I have some first dates scheduled.  We'll see how those go.  I have one person I'm already going to follow up on after Christmas because she is so darn interesting.  Then maybe it's time to take a break for a while.  I'm not finding what I want and I'm about to have less time.  It's time for a new phase.  This is taking too much time for what I am getting out of it.  The cost is too high and the payoff is too low.  Gosh it's a good thing I never have to be celibate again.

And I have to say that my opinions on this topic are heavily colored by the fact that Noah did something last night he hasn't done before.  It was really hot.

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