Saturday, December 3, 2011

The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. Sex version

Noah and I seem to be rediscovering one another.  My mild frustration with the hunting has resulted in our sex life dramatically changing.  In the first year of our marriage we averaged sex ten times a week.  Then I got pregnant.  I am one of those don't even look at me let alone think about sex with me pregnant women.  I was really hoping to be one of the nymphomaniac kinds.  Oh well.  I'm never doing that misery again so it doesn't matter any more.

The first year after having a kid we didn't have a lot of sex.  I am definitely a wait six weeks for it to be comfortable kind of girl.  That's some serious friction, yo.  Healing time was my friend.  With Shanna once a month after that for a few months was as much as we could figure out.  With Calli I think we were close to once a week pretty quickly.  Well, ok we were probably two or three times a month.  Not really once a week.

It changes in dramatic ways after a year.  And after Shanna at right around eighteen months I started feeling a strong sudden interest in doing bdsm again.  But I got pregnant immediately and didn't follow through much.  Calli is fifteen months old.

For almost two months we've been having sex pretty close to daily.  In the past couple of weeks it has been twice a day as often as not.  I really like my husband.  Sex is a big deal to Noah.  I'm absolutely up front about the fact that at this point a lot of our sex is for him and I'm there being a team player.  I'm there because it builds him up to have sex.  When he is having a lot of sex he has the energy and patience to put up with my shit.  Ok, we can have a lot of sex.

But I'm in kind of a unique position.  Should I be having sex I'm enh about?  Given my history?  I could find a long list of feminazi's who would tell me no.  I think a lot about the idea of consent.  What does it mean to consent?  It's kind of a fuzzy thing sometimes.

What does it mean to want sex?  Do I always have to want the same kind of sex?  Do I always have to feel the same minimal level of desire before I get started?  That seems kind of silly.  I think part of the reason I married Noah is because he is so overwhelmingly enthusiastic about me talking about and having sex pretty much as often as possible.  No matter how conflicted I feel about it.

There is this little benefit that's not something feminazi's like to hear about.  When I'm not having sex all of the time I have lower self esteem.  I know that I am failing in the task to which I was brought up.  I was apprenticed in sex if anyone ever was.  I wanted this to be something I was good at and did a lot of. So I do a lot of it.

I'm trying to figure out what that means to me at this stage of my life.  I have this voracious need for sex. I literally get off on the fact that Noah and I treat it as part of my job that I am supposed to be available for sex.  (Uh, after that one time he listens to my actual "no's" and I do give them.)  We like figuring out what we should be doing at other times of the day to ensure that I will be up for it later.  We treat having sex like it is a goal.  Something we want to do and be good at.

I feel weird about being this person and being a parent.  Like this should have been shut off.  Like all of a sudden it is kind of a problem that I am so obsessed with sex.  But I'm not sure why it is a problem.  I just feel like I am bad for liking it.  For wanting it.  For prioritizing it in ways that would be a problem for other people.  I don't feel exploited.  I feel like I am being seen for who and what I am and appreciated for the fairly unusual set of skills I have.

I like that for the first time in my life I have a partner who wants to have sex as much or more than me.  I didn't know that could happen.  I have usually ended up begging for sex after a while and feeling humiliated and rejected all the time.  I'm fucking thrilled that I don't have to deal with Noah rejecting me for sex.  I think he's up to about a dozen "no's" in the seven years I've known him.  That's an acceptable rate for me.  I'm really glad he wants me so much.

I'm glad and it's intimidating.  It's intimidating because I have a physiological response when he makes it clear he wants sex.  I feel compelled to participate.  I feel uncomfortable about the fact that I react even when I'm not "in the mood".  It's not that I'm going to get off.  I don't do that how I used to.  It's really sad.  I hope that comes back.  But saying no to sex is usually not something I have any interest in doing. Regardless of whether or not I have interest in sex.  They are different decisions for me.  The default answer to "Do you want sex?" is "YES!" even when my body is saying "meh".  I want sex to be more interesting all the time.  I want to better figure out how to orgasm from different kinds of stimulation.  The Master/slave relationship I was in taught me a very specific flavor of orgasming on command and I haven't played with that.  I would like for my sexual response to be less tied to pain.

Maybe I should figure out how to get my husband-with-hypnotism-training thinking about this.  I'm sure we can figure something out.  I married the best man in the whole fucking world.  He is so absolutely perfect for me.  I'm so glad I found him.

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