Saturday, December 24, 2011

Thinking about forgiveness

Do you know what not forgiving means?  It means dying alone and angry no matter who is in the room.  I don't want to die alone.  I don't want to die afraid.  I don't want to be angry that after all this misery all I get is death.  I don't want that.  I want to die knowing that I have honest to fucking god made the world a better place.  I helped other people be happier, better, stronger, wiser.  I want to die smiling.  I want to know that I did exactly what I was supposed to do and I helped as many people as I could.  I want to feel peace.   Some day I want to know peace.

As long as I am angry like this there is no room.  I have nothing to give.  Being angry takes up so much of me.  I don't want this.  I don't want this to be my life.  I don't know the path and I am so afraid.

Every marriage involves different compromises.  Different accommodation of irritations.  Different forgiveness.  Because the human condition is that we bump each other funny sometimes.  Thank you to all the women who wrote me to tell me that you are angry at Noah too.  It actually made me feel better.  I felt like the anger wasn't just mine.  And that's complicated too.  Life is long and life is hard.  Noah really fucked up.  But he has never done anything to break my trust like this before.  He has carefully in pre-negotiated ways pushed me right up to the edge of my limits and off a cliff.  But that's not the same thing as breaking trust.  He has never broken trust before.

That does have to count for something.  He knew he was being a raging dick.  He didn't mean to do what he did.  I have never seen him cry before.  He says it hasn't happened since junior high.  He probably already feels bad enough.  Beating him down isn't a way to have a happy marriage.  It really isn't.

I will never again bear a child.  That is a decision I have made for myself.  I want to spend my life with the only person I will ever really completely join my body to.  I want to.  And he's going to fuck up some times.  And I am going to get very very angry with him.  But I keep my promises.  I promised him a lifetime.

What does forgiveness even mean?  It means telling him how I feel about sex with other people and watching him cringe.  It means filling in the dots for him on some of my broken.  It means telling him that I don't want to have sex with other people any more.  Even though taking that hit on my identity is going to be massive for me.  I am going to feel compulsive.  I am going to want it.  And I think I shouldn't do it any more.  It's not actually a good decision for me any more.  Given who I am I don't think it will actually be a healthy thing for me to do with other people ever again.  I think this broken is too deep.

It's time to try something else.

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