Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What to say?

As life goes, something happened.  I don't know how to talk about it.  I have never been shy with my overall discomfort with nonmonogamy.  I feel like I bring that up pretty often and pretty honestly.  Doing so apparently created a situation where Noah felt unable to tell me the truth.  So he was evasive.  He minimized.  He said he "didn't think sex would happen" because it was "just a coffee date."  When he later got the option for it to be more than a coffee date I got an sms... at the time he was supposed to be arriving home.

I want everyone in the audience to pause for 2.5 seconds and imagine how I would feel about Noah renegotiating sex at the last second by sms after telling me it wouldn't happen.... everyone got that image in their head now?

What I did was respond with nastiness and passive aggression.  I didn't even tell him no.  I told him I was angry that he was asking and fuck you and do what you want.  I certainly feel like I earned his behavior.  I feel like I deserve what he went and did because I am such a nasty bitch why would he want to come home to me any way.

He sent the sms at 10.  He came home at 1am.  I have done very little but cry since then.  What the hell am I going to do?  If I didn't have children I think I would have driven to a bridge and jumped off.  Now that the last person I was going to really trust this life time did this to me... what do I have left?  What do I really get to hope for?  What kind of respect am I ever going to be given?  None?  Barely any?  

I don't know why I thought that someone like me deserved better.  I was lying to myself.  Of course this happened.  How could any thing other than this happen?  I wasn't enthusiastic enough about Noah's dates.  I didn't pat him on the back with a big smile and tell him happy hunting.  I didn't encourage him to push for the close.  I didn't expect him to push for sex regardless of all other factors.  What the hell was I thinking?

My trust was shattered.  I had so little left to start with.  I don't know what to do.  The women on MDC say I need to a) stop cutting and b) make a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go.  I think they may be asking for a bit much.  I don't quite feel like it is fair and accurate to say I need to learn to feel a range of emotions.  I think I already do.  I feel rage and regret and sadness and depression (love that throat closing feeling); I feel betrayed and unloved and desecrated and violated.  This is horrible.  My best friend.  My lover did this to me.

I suppose I was a little too cocky that my husband would never cheat.  Hell, he would never need to!  All he has to do is tell me in advance.

Oh well.

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