Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Visitors

I fucking love the stats page.  It shows me that mostly I am just the best Google search return for the phrase "my father raped me" which is kind of problematic.  I'm sure I often get people looking for porn. But I also probably get people who are confused and scared.  Many many people read that story every day.  I sincerely doubt they are all spammers.

There is something about the fact that my family has accused me of lying despite the fact that my father confessed.  It haunts me.  The detective who interrogated my father let me know that he had never heard anything more extreme in his career.  My lovely father set the bell curve on disgusting atrocities to children.  And my family thinks I am lying.  I don't know what to do with that.  That sort of basic dishonesty is probably the basis for a lot of personality issues right there.  My humanity has been assaulted from babyhood and I'm not allowed to experience it as real.  I am told to forget because I just made it up anyway.  Who wouldn't go crazy?

Only I'm not really crazy.  I am.  Certifiable.  But I'm not.  I'm complicated and I'm difficult.  I'm not crazy.  I am hurt.  I am sad.  I have terrible anxiety.  I have a hard time perceiving people liking me.  That isn't crazy that is good plain sense.  I had to grow up disbelieving people who told me they loved me.  People who love you are not a party to child rape.  Sorry.

I think about the people who visit this blog looking for that phrase.  Some of you have stories that would make me cry.  If people say they love you but disbelieve you were raped, that's dangerous to you.  Don't let them convince you that you deserve what you got.  You didn't.  I don't give a shit who you are.  If your father rapes you, you bear no blame.

You get to decide how you move forward.  Even if you never make waves in your family because you can't for some reason, never let them define you.  Don't become their crazy person.  You aren't.  They are liars and trying to take away your truth.  Your truth lives inside of you.  No one can take it.  I write mine down because I can't live with it being only inside me.  My family denies my reality.  Well, I picked the scorched earth policy.  You don't have to follow me.  It hurts a lot.

If you are raped by your father you do not deserve it.  You did not in any way encourage it.  Your father did something terribly wrong.  He took advantage of the most power he can ever have in his life.  He is entirely to blame.  That is a relationship with a one way stream of responsibility for sexual contact.

I'm trying to learn to stop hurting myself because I am the kind of person who deserves terrible things.  I hope you don't hurt yourself either.  You deserve better than that.  I'm not sure yet what better than that looks like.  If you find out, let me know.

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