Monday, January 16, 2012

Yesterday we took advantage of our date night to shave my head.  First Noah used the clippers, then a straight razor.  I discovered that straight razors hurt a lot more than safety razors.  This is the second time I shaved my head.  The first time was when I was 17.  I shaved my head around three weeks after my father killed himself.  It was time for a new beginning then.  It's time for a new beginning now.  From 17 until now I have made most of my decisions about my appearance based on the opinions of men.  I feel kind of ashamed when I write that.  It's not the "me" I'm supposed to be.  I'm supposed to only care about pleasing myself.  You don't amass a body count like mine by only trying to please yourself.

I'm taking more comfort from monogamy than anyone but Noah knows.  I don't have to hunt any more.  I never have to leave the house wondering if I look good enough for someone.  Well, I'll still dress in stuff Noah likes occasionally.  But I'm done trying to find people who are willing to fuck me.  It's a different approach to life.  Non-monogamy is fairly all-consuming for me.  I don't have many non-hunting periods.  I didn't hunt during the breeding period.  I didn't hunt much for a couple of the years I was with Tom.  Tom had me jumping through enough hurtles that I was content.

Noah is different.  Noah is happy to have sex with me at any time.  No factors beyond, "Are the kids occupied and safe and fine on their own?" matter.  He looks for child care or sleep.  Then he's good.    I think he's enjoyed the various colors and he's finding something to like about every length of my hair.  Today the tiny cuts no longer sting so I bet he's going to touch it a lot more.  It is neat feeling.  Last night it still hurt and the pillow was annoying so I didn't want him to touch much.

I put a body stocking on after we shaved my head so that I could stay warm.  The plan was to tie me up and mess with my head being different.  That didn't happen.  Instead we talked about the way our sex life is causing me to feel unsafe.  The way our sex life is dramatically increasing how much I dissociate.  We talked about the fact that every time he rapes me there is serious long-term damage.  How much damage am I really expected to bear this lifetime?  How many of these does he think I can handle before I jump off a bridge?  I have been sexually assaulted over and over for nearly thirty years.  I think I need at least a few years off.  At the very fucking least.

This is something I struggle with.  It seems like most of my appeal is that I am someone you don't have to care whether I am interested or not.  If you want to fuck me, sure go ahead.  It seems like that usage is really the only purpose for my life, so why not?  That doesn't increase my 'bonding' feeling during sex for some reason.  It means that pretty much all sexual contact has to be treated as potentially unpleasant and I have to learn to block out all of those sensations, forever.  Because that way I can survive being repeatedly raped.  I won't feel it any way.  I can't work on getting back to the place where I can orgasm.  If I do that, how will it be used against me or withheld from me?  How will I be hurt in exchange for being stupid enough to present more vulnerability in my body?

It's time to start new.  For the first time in my life I never have to give in to that compulsive feeling again.  I never have to earn my social admission with my cunt.  I no longer have to advertise that I am there to fulfill sexual needs other people have.  It's not my problem.  I am no longer the designated whore.  I don't know what else I could be.  What else am I good for?  If I'm not going to be that, just generically, I think I am tired of being raped too.  I think it's time to say that my husband should really start to respect the word "No."  I should be allowed to be in control of my body.  I deserve it.  I have carried this body around for thirty years.  No one else has the knowledge of it that would allow them to treat it with respect.  Just me.  So right now no one treats it with any respect.

I need to change that or I am never going to stop feeling like I am one push from jumping off a bridge.  Life is harder than advertised.  Life hurts.  That doesn't mean I should accept with resignation the idea that I have to tolerate being raped for my entire god damn life.  No.  Even though so many people obviously think that is what I am good for, they show my by continuing to rape me, I am done thinking that is all I am good for.  I don't think I am strong enough to keep getting up afterwards.  I don't think I have many more rapes left in me.  I think my body is nearing its limits.  I have already been taken down all the pegs I can be taken down.  If you put me any further down I'm going to fall off the board.

I go through the world in the body of a woman.  I don't think it works like this for men.  Every day, whether I put time or energy into my appearance or not, I have to be braced when I am out in public.  People feel quite free to comment on how I look and act.  Most of the comments are nice.  I get told ridiculously often that I have a nice smile.  It's one of the reasons I am completely uninterested in braces.  My smile is special and unique to me.  It is nice enough that random strangers tell me they are happy to see it when I walk around by myself.  I think what God gave me was good enough.  Even though my teeth aren't perfectly straight.  Even though they aren't very white.  I didn't discover teeth brushing until I was twelve and I started noticing that it was really gross when boys didn't brush their teeth before kissing.  I decided that applied to me too and I started brushing my teeth.  I have a lot of legacy damage from poor dental care.  I have an ass-rapingly-expensive dental implant.  Oh wait, did I just make a rape joke?

Of all the people in the world, shouldn't I take it more seriously!  Don't I know that this topic isn't funny?!  I have been raped far more times than I can count.  It is just part of life.  I'm going to joke about it.  Otherwise I cannot live with the constant effect it has on me.  I know that other rape victims feel differently.  I'm sorry if what I say offends you.  We are all just trying to get through the day.

I am almost out of pot.  I will either run out today or tomorrow.  We have $29 left for this month in the health budget.  I plan to see my therapist one more time and that will be $150.  I don't think I should buy more pot.  This is already going to be dinging next month.  Budgets suck.  I am *only* going to be able to pay for therapy next month.  Nothing else.  I need to start saving room in that budget because soon I will want to buy another massage package.  The massage probably is more important given the current strain my body is under.  Intimidating.

It's time to start again.  The only way I know to be a parent is to be the kind of adult you think your kids should respect.  I want to be worthy of respect.  I want to make choices that are actually good for me instead of being a less bad form of self-harm.  Sex is often a form of self-harm for me.  That's one of those things I will only admit on days when the wind is right.  I have as much denial around that topic as everyone else.  Having to be available to basically anonymous men is a form of self-harm.  I'm putting myself at enormous risk.  For the thrill of hopefully having judged right and the sex doesn't hurt this time.  Maybe instead of trying to figure out how to write just the right personal ad I should tell my husband I want him to stop choking me and raping me.  Please can our sex life not be something that hurts me.  I don't want to perfect the art of asking other people to stop hurting me.  I want to just close that book and walk away from it.  There is no point in pursuing that story.  I don't want to keep upping my body count.  It's not a goal any more.  Whatever there was to get out of that activity I did it long ago.

I know, everyone else who is non-monogamous will now tell me how they want to have connections and I'll tell you that fucking me is one of the fastest ways to ensure that I am going to avoid you in the future.  You want more of those connections in your life?  I can have boundaries and keep myself safe if I treat the people as disposable so I don't have to care what they want.  It is excruciatingly hard to tell Noah about the results of his (occasional, rare) actions because I already feel like I am letting him down.

He wanted a poly marriage.  He wanted to have a life where he got to be a highly individualized person.  He wanted a lot of time to himself to keep having other people and things in his life.  He wanted to continue on being a cheerful sadist.  He wanted to be allowed to do the things he imagines.  And I am not only backing out on being the recipient of his urges but I'm telling him that he shouldn't do them with anyone else either.  I feel like the worst kind of double crosser.  I am a piece of shit.  I am changing the deal.

I can't handle being raped anymore.  Maybe ever again.  This hurts so much.  The cost is too high.  I cannot live with someone who really likes it when I don't enjoy our sex in any way.  Well, that's too harshly worded.  I can live with him.  But I can't keep doing that.  I'm tired of barely being able to feel my vagina.  I'm tired of rearranging furniture in my head during sex.  I'm tired of feeling scared in my home.  I never get to be safe anywhere in the whole wide world.

But Jesus-H-Christ.  I am now a partial owner of a bdsm coffee shop.  I am going to have to figure out how to negotiate those kinds of worlds knowing that I will never really feel all that much like I belong.  I don't want to be hurt any more.  Nor do I want to hurt anyone else.  I don't want to be raped any more.  I don't want to fuck everyone who is kind of hard up.  What good am I then?  I don't know.  But maybe it is time to find out.

I did't shave my head to make me ugly.  I don't think it does.  But I did do it to remove the distraction of trying to be appealing.  I don't want to actually be pretty right now.  It is hard figuring out how to let guys down gently in a way that doesn't result in me getting nasty treatment.  I have to instead figure out how to just not attract them.  Because if I am attractive it is my own fucking fault and I'm just an asshole cock tease if I don't follow through.

I went to a friend's party on Saturday.  I spent my time clinging to the few people who have come to my house.  I only had one conversation that was not me clinging to someone who has proven they like me.  The one-off was about babies.  And someone rapidly left the group when I talked about my labor experience.  I felt like I should just get up and leave the party.  Everything I have to say is repulsive and depressing.  My experiences are things people don't want to hear about.  I'm not pleasant enough.  My life isn't pleasant enough.

I think I need to learn how to just stop speaking at all.  Can you pick up selective mutism as an adult?  Probably not.  But I need to appear happy and perky.  I need to smile.  I need to be polite (whatever that means).  I need to look and act like I had a different life than I had.  That is what people like.  Those are the people who are liked.  I'm not nice.  I'm harsh.  I'm abrupt.  I sound angry.  I'm unpleasant and difficult and prickly.  I swear a lot.  I have no idea what manners most people follow.  I am bewildered in every social space because I am inevitably wrong and I don't know why.  I don't understand and I don't think I ever will.

I own a business now.  I don't have a choice about going out into the world.  I have a specific format that interaction is supposed to revolve around.  I have a job and I'm perfectly capable of behaving myself at work.  It's time to try again on leaving my house and interacting with people.  Even if I'm not the biggest bad-ass bottom in the room it's ok.  There is no where else in the world I can talk about the intensity of my sex play without people running in horror.

Just because I don't want to be raped any more that isn't truly going to send me screaming into the closet.  Once your sex life is as weird as mine it just morphs.  It doesn't really contract.  There have to be other avenues to pursue.  Surely not everyone in the world is hurt constantly during sex.  They wouldn't have so much of it.

3 comments:

  1. Damn, lady. That's heavy. Sending good vibes your way (whatever that means)!

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  2. Thanks. :) It'll all work out somehow.

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  3. Don't hit the mute button! The best people in my world are the people who challenge me...you do that sometimes, and that's great. And you already know that I value you, but I'll say it again, you are a dear friend who offers me perspective and honesty that is beyond value.

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