Today I went and talked to a man who does things. I feel like a lazy slacker when I hear about what he gets done. He's running a little farm. He works a computer job 80 miles away from his farm and deals with that commute. He is high up in management for a variety of different annual events like historical re-enactment events and Burning Man. He has an intense life. I'm not going to bother to talk about his 15 active hobbies.
Just the thought of having to deal with that many people gives me the shivers. I can do a fairly heroic amount alone but having to work with people is hard. I don't trust people. I never believe that any one else will deliver on what they promise so I can only plan for what I can accomplish alone. It's rather limiting.
I will never have a family the way I picture in my head. I have Noah and Shanna and Calli and that's it. And I'm god damn lucky to have them. There are people who love me. There are people who care about me a great deal. There are people who will try hard to help me. But they all go back to their families. I am not part of their families. I am a spoke person they can have a one on one relationship with occasionally but I'm not a big part of any one's life. Except for Noah and Shanna and Calli.
I've been calling K every day because otherwise I can't get through the afternoon without crying. I'm glad she lets me do that. I miss days occasionally because I don't hear the alarm on my phone. I go through periods of talking to people daily or nearly daily on IM. They never seem to last very long.
I don't really have people to share my life with outside of this house. I have people who want to see me once a year and get an update on how I am living my life. I'm impressed by the people who slog through this blog. I write because I am shouting into the void. I don't know who or if anyone other than Noah is actually going to read any of it. The fact that people catch what I say bewilders me. I say so much because I have to see the words outside of my head but I know so little about the people who read. Even the people I "know" I don't really understand. I rarely spend enough time with people to see past my projections onto them. I am not good at meeting people and treating them like a blank slate. I am always looking for patterns.
Patterns are important for my survival. At least they have been in the past. Patterns are causing me problems now because Noah doesn't follow many patterns. He's kind of weird. But he understands when I talk about the people in my life like characters in a story. He understands why I look for clues for how to react. Many of my assumptions are wrong. Why do I assume that people who come over to my house dislike me? Why do I physically react to them as if they were threatening? I can like someone and enjoy their company and still not know how to have a positive conversation with them. I always feel like I am being mean and they must think I am bad. (If you are thinking, even me? Yeah, probably.) I feel like I talk too much. I am rude. I dominate conversations. I take up too much space and I should shut up and sit in the back. My turn is over.
Ok you know how people talk about how homeschoolers "won't be socialized"? Well. I went to public school so I got my socialization there. I think I had five or six teachers over my educational career tell me point blank in class to stop raising my hand because other people needed to have a turn. Teachers and people who are older than me and people in "authority" trigger me heavily. I have very strong internal meters that tell me that pretty much any talking is disrespectful. And I always say weird or wrong things.
I was at a party this weekend and two women were talking. They were doing that "build you up" sort of thing. Life is hard and we must be brave. You can never be too brave. You can never be too balanced. You can never be too strong.
I interrupted there and said, "Actually you have to be careful how you get stronger. Like right now I'm running and I'm learning a lot about how the muscles around the knee work and..." I went on for a while. I felt like a party pooper. "Oh hey, you know how you are trying to build her up and convince her to reach for the stars? Well here's a cup of ice water in your face. You're welcome." I don't mean to do it. I feel like such an asshole.
I don't think it was actually that bad. I'm really not good at the art of conversation. It's a skill and I'm sorely lacking in practice. The real problem is, Noah doesn't mind if I'm an asshole and I point out things about him that sound rude as long as they are true. I think I grow more unfit for human companionship by the day.
I'm not sure why I have had such an upsurge of pervasive negative thought for the past few days. Is this my brain's horrible reaction to Noah saying that I was out of the emergency phase?
Anxiety is energy that wants to be put to use but is instead being held in. What energy do I want to expend? Why do I feel so bad? I feel like talking about Sarah would be horribly disrespectful and rude. I'm having a lot of big feelings. I'm not sure why I think it would be disrespectful and rude, but I do. I'm not processing my emotions and it's not working for me.
It's not about a list of done-me-wrongs. We tipped the bucket. Lots of water came out. The drip isn't starting back up again. I'm scared. I don't get to control what happens in life. That's hard. I feel sad. I miss my Sarah. Am I emailing her? No. Does that make me a passive aggressive bitch? Maybe. Things were said. Not all by me.
I'm scared and I'm sad. I hurt people.
I have had so many people tell me they were my "family" until I said or did something they didn't like. I don't see those people any more. They broke off contact. That's just how life works. Some, many, of them resurface every few years for a phone call or dinner.
I got really good at lying to myself that I would have what I see in my head as how a family works. I'm too mean and I drive people away. I sit here and wonder why I am so broken. Why don't I deserve what I see other people having? I missed that life path. It's just not really an option for me. Pity party: table of one.
In my head I hear this rough amalgamation voice saying, "Don't you realize that no one gives a shit that your mother didn't love you? Get over yourself." I should forget my shit and go out and join something. Subsume my identity into a group identity and stop thinking about my shit. Because my shit isn't important. But when I get to the meeting or social event or class or or or or or or or I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to form relationships that go beyond a surface level. Because NOT BEING TAUGHT THOSE SKILLS IS PART OF MY SHIT.
It isn't any one else's problem. Well, that's not true. What am I going to teach my children? Fuck. Who knows. We'll see. I should go in. I should stop crying again.