Thursday, May 3, 2012

Everything must be bad

There is a diner in town we go to for breakfast. Noah went there regularly even before I moved in, so we have gotten to know the staff. The two main servers have been the same for more than ten years. We have kind of a special relationship with the woman, who is probably around my mom's age. Her grandkids live out of state so she quite dotes on my girls. Towards the end of today I got up the nerve to ask her to go do something social with me and the girls. We are going to go to tea in Niles for Shanna's birthday later in the month. It will be really nice.

Talking to her is kind of a mixed bag. I have been crying a lot after eating there recently. I am so fucking jealous of her relationships with her children. Recently her youngest daughter decided to do a city hall wedding, last minute, with her partner of almost seven years. My friend was so excited. Her daughter allowed her to do all the doting and the silliness and traditional stuff that she desperately wanted to do but her daughter didn't exactly want. Today we talked about how excited she is that this summer she gets to spend her oldest daughter's birthday with her this year and she hasn't done that in a long time. She has been very sad about that. I haven't spent a birthday with my mom since I turned 18. I never will again.

I seem to be working hard to ensure I won't have family at all some day. I hope I don't fuck things up with Noah and Shanna and Calli like I do with everyone else. I ran Sarah off. I ran Alex off. I ran Andrew off. I ran Julia off. That is all in the last year. I told Noah this morning that part of why I asked him for monogamy is because I'm afraid that he will come home from a date to find me dead. I keep making it harder and harder for him to stay with me.

I'm just not worth the effort. I'm too angry. I'm too mean. I know. I drove my family away. I chose to send out a nasty message to every member of my family basically telling them to fuck off. I'm really glad I have therapy today because I would kind of like to walk in front of a bus before anyone else can leave me. I don't know why this is so bad right now. I have nothing more to give. Why would anyone want to know me?

I know why Shanna and Calli want me. I understand that for them I am still a fucking need. They would never be whole people if I died now. That would hang over them and poison their entire lives and I am not that selfish. I don't know why today is so hard. I have been sleeping. I'm eating. I really really really don't need more exercise than I am getting. I'm up to running (just over 5 mph consistently) at least 12 miles a week and it is about to start increasing dramatically. I'm walking 5-10 miles a week with the kids. I really don't need more fucking exercise. I have the house at such a state where I can clean it from top to bottom in three hours. No matter how untidy it is I have a system for doing a basic pick up in about thirty minutes. The kids are both being loving and sweet and remarkably agreeable. We are in a honey moon phase. Why do I want to kill myself? My mommy calls me a liar. I must be a piece of shit. I wish that wasn't enough. I wish I didn't care what she thought. I really do.

Everything is in the right place. My life is really as set up as it is going to be for the next few years. I feel like everything but me is perfect. Someone better than me should be in my place. Someone who is not spiteful and bitchy. Someone who doesn't burst into tears just because some woman in a diner loves her kids. I feel so deeply unlovable. So worthless. Noah seems to love me. I don't understand why. I understand the girls loving me. That is a biological self-defense mechanism. They want to god damn survive and I am their ticket to doing so. But it's deeper than that. They are part of me. Just as I am part of my mother. And I can't have her any more. I feel like I am on the road to ending up like my step-mom. She overdosed on heroin in the bath tub. At her funeral everyone said they couldn't understand why she did it. They thought she was perfectly happy. She told me she wasn't. She talked to me about being depressed. Given that her mother went through a long and messy battle with cancer and all the things in her life that bothered her I perfectly understand why she did. Perfectly.

I can't let Noah date because he would find some nice secondary who would appear to me to be better than me in every way and he would come home to find me dead. Obviously this person is better to spend time with, so why don't you do more of that. It's not right. It's not true. I suppose in this objective way. That is how it feels to me. I want him to go find someone better than me because he deserves someone better than me.

I'm having a lot of trouble with sex. I feel like he married me because I was so enthusiastic about sex and I was so enthusiastic about sex because I am deeply broken and I seem to have settled into this entirely asexual motherhood thing. In our marriage vows we specifically did not promise monogamy because I didn't think either of us would ever do such a thing. Now I'm threatening to kill myself if he dates. To be fair, I never did that. I didn't tell him I thought about such things while he was out on dates because it wouldn't be fair. Why would he need to know that kind of thing? It's emotional blackmail. I should just shut the fuck up already. I feel like writing these things in my head is a form of bullying. People who love me will feel bad. I don't think I currently have anyone in my life who actually wants me to hurt. And I have friends. I have awesome friends.

Being an orphan is fucking hard. When I went to the grief ritual I met a woman who runs an adoption support group. I told her that I wasn't officially adopted so I don't count. She told me that I have absolutely been abandoned by my family of origin so I count. I think I should send her an email about that. They even meet on Monday nights and that is my night off. Done.

I feel like maybe the next big task in my life is for me to find things that I love about myself. All I see is the bad and the not good enough. Surely I do something to a degree that I am satisfied with. Even when I look at my cat, whom I rescued before her eyes were open--I am the only mama she knows. I bottle fed her and taught her how to eat food. I taught her to talk; her meows pattern on mine. Right now when I look at her I feel guilty. I am not affectionate enough. I don't let her sit on my lap as much as she wants. I don't clean her litter box until she yells at me. I just don't think about it. Even though I have had her for fourteen years. I'm a self-absorbed asshole. Why don't I take better care of her? She is a really nice cat and she has very rarely made any trouble. But I don't clean her box until I have to and I resent her as I do it. That is what I see when I look at myself. All I do is resent everything. Every good in my life I make bad. I dislike myself for my ingratitude and hostility and resentment. Why the fuck can't I just be grateful that my life is better now? Why do I still whine all the god damn time about things that are over?

My garage is really cool. I did a lot of really fun things here. I should feel proud of myself. Mostly what I feel is shame because I am so far removed from what is in my head. What it could be if I had more time and money. That kind of thing. I can make anything bad. Everything I do is a symbol of how I failed to do something better. Is that perfectionism? I don't know. Noah says that I use the fact that I can find one person better than me at doing every specific task to prove that I am a loser. He argues with me a lot about my self-esteem. I'm worried about wearing him out.

I keep feeling reminded of my lack of earning potential. My life isn't worth much to anyone. If Noah gets sick of me my life would dramatically change. It would be very hard because I'm about as dependent as a person can be. From here on out I have no source of income or any potential source of income. And I'm asking him to buckle down and stop getting a whole bunch of the perks of living with a sexual abuse survivor. I'm not doing the ridiculous promiscuous sex any more. Why in the hell would he stay? I feel like a leech. I feel like I will never be able to pay him back for how hard it is to put up with me. I feel so god damn mean.

But if I am so god damn mean how come people stop me on a regular basis to tell me that they enjoy hearing me interact with my children? But if I was so god damn mean I might run four chosen family and my entire biological family out of my life in a year. I'm that talented.

Today is going to be a long and hard day.

2 comments:

  1. "Recently her youngest daughter decided to do a city hall wedding, last minute, with her partner of almost seven years."

    Oddly enough, I know someone who's partner recently pulled a surprise, last-minute city hall wedding on him after they'd been together for 7 years. His name is Ramin, but I don't remember his (now) wife's name. It'd be neat if it were the same couple.
    ---

    As for the rest of the post, I read it. I'm afraid I don't have anything I can say that would comfort you, other than what I've said before that the world is better with you in it. But just want you to know that I read it.

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    1. Thanks. Brain chemistry is a funny thing. I wish it was easier to decide how my brain functions instead of getting stuck with whatever happens.

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