Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Back to hunting, I guess.

Noah recently discovered that we have money in an HSA we forgot about. Woo. That means I all of a sudden have money in the medical section. I think I am going to call my former therapist and say I am ready for a referral now.

What I am doing right now isn't working for me. That means I need to figure out how to change it. I'm not very good at doing that by myself. That's ok. There are professionals for this shit. This is why I have been in therapy for decades and I probably will be for most of my life. Even though I feel ashamed of myself for that. My therapists are the most stable friendships I have. I need mirrors. I don't seem to be able to construct a mirror with sufficient intensity any other way. I have to pay someone to pay attention to me before I believe that they will actually do so week after week.

I feel really pathetic. I also feel really suicidal. It's time to call for a referral. I'm not managing on my own right now.

I really hate me.


  1. "If you’re travelling with children, put your own mask on first before assisting other passengers" applies to so much more than air travel.

    1. This guy says a lot of good stuff.

      Also, please no suicidalness. I would miss you terribly. And I know you say you would never do that to your kids, but I think it's worth saying that there are other people (like me) who also want you to keep fighting. You are important. So, so very important.

  2. Good luck with the hunting. I'm glad you have the discernment to see that help is available, and the means and will to take skillful, constructive action. I think you're amazing.

  3. Best wishes finding someone you can work with and someone who can help you.

    I think it's good that there are professionals who will give you the focus/mirror/attention, because otherwise that is a huge pressure/responsibility/burden that I've found my relationships don't handle very well.

    I get that it feels a bit odd to pay for that service, but I'm glad it's there when I need it, and when someone I care about needs it.