Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Back to hunting, I guess.

Noah recently discovered that we have money in an HSA we forgot about. Woo. That means I all of a sudden have money in the medical section. I think I am going to call my former therapist and say I am ready for a referral now.

What I am doing right now isn't working for me. That means I need to figure out how to change it. I'm not very good at doing that by myself. That's ok. There are professionals for this shit. This is why I have been in therapy for decades and I probably will be for most of my life. Even though I feel ashamed of myself for that. My therapists are the most stable friendships I have. I need mirrors. I don't seem to be able to construct a mirror with sufficient intensity any other way. I have to pay someone to pay attention to me before I believe that they will actually do so week after week.

I feel really pathetic. I also feel really suicidal. It's time to call for a referral. I'm not managing on my own right now.

I really hate me.

4 comments:

  1. "If you’re travelling with children, put your own mask on first before assisting other passengers" applies to so much more than air travel.

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    1. This guy says a lot of good stuff.

      Also, please no suicidalness. I would miss you terribly. And I know you say you would never do that to your kids, but I think it's worth saying that there are other people (like me) who also want you to keep fighting. You are important. So, so very important.

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  2. Good luck with the hunting. I'm glad you have the discernment to see that help is available, and the means and will to take skillful, constructive action. I think you're amazing.

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  3. Best wishes finding someone you can work with and someone who can help you.

    I think it's good that there are professionals who will give you the focus/mirror/attention, because otherwise that is a huge pressure/responsibility/burden that I've found my relationships don't handle very well.

    I get that it feels a bit odd to pay for that service, but I'm glad it's there when I need it, and when someone I care about needs it.


    DSH

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