I'm really upset about these no-shows. I was already heading in the direction of feeling depressed and having two women who loudly and adamantly have told me they are my "family" behave this way convinces me that I must be a worthless piece of shit. Even my god damn chosen family just won't bother to think of me. I'm feeling bitter. I try really hard for my friends. I go to great lengths and deal with inconvenience to spend time with them.
I'm feeling bitter and thin and unimportant. I don't know if this obsession with BFFs is an American thing alone or if it is normal and natural to ache for people who value you this way. I think that is what the BFF thing is about. The longing for someone to really understand you and value you and love you and think you are important. I wish I had that. Instead I get to be an audience member. I get to be an adoring fan. Friendships aren't based on me supporting your art while you sleep through visits where you might find out something real about my life. Obviously my life isn't that interesting to you. I understand.
I wish people would stop lying to me. I wish people would stop telling me I am important when I am obviously and demonstrably not. The continual let down hurts so much. Just be honest. You will spend time with me if you can't find anything better to do. You will spend time with me if you have managed to successfully straighten your stereo wires in time so you are truly bored so why not.
I have Noah. I have the girls. Those are the people I can count on. That's the list. And I shouldn't expect too much from my kids. I can't talk to them about being upset. That's inappropriate. They don't need to know why I am crying today. "Because my "friends" are assholes who don't actually care about me and it hurts my feelings." I can't say that to her. So instead I think I'll just not leave the house this week. Bad things tend to go in threes. I just won't make more plans. I don't really want to be ditched again. I am so god damn tired of this being ditched shit. Echoes of my childhood go through my head.
Stupid girl. Why would anyone want to be your friend. Go away. No one likes you anyway. Pissy Krissy always whining about how people aren't nice to you. Who would want to be nice to you anyway.
I was angry. I was angry because people hit me and raped me and called me names. So I don't deserve friends because I am too angry and difficult. It doesn't end at adulthood.
I have spent some time in the last few days on the friend with a close friend's wife. I don't know her that well but she is suicidal and I have time during the day to be on the phone and a fairly deep understanding of what it means to want to kill yourself. I have been trying to help her get through the worst of the impulses. Today will end. The intensity of this desire will fade. Let's just trust the process. You feel this way sometimes. These feelings will end. The only constant part of life is change.
It feels kind of odd to be trying so hard to convince someone else of her worth when I don't believe much about my own worth. I want her to have what I can't have. I can't feel good about myself. What the fuck is there to feel good about? I feel so very unimportant and stupid and stagnant and worthless.
I had kids because I needed to have someone who actually needed me in order to give myself a pass on suicide. I'm fucking needed. I don't know what to tell a childless person. I don't know what to tell someone who wanted kids and couldn't have them. I thank the G-d I barely believe in for my children every day because I'm not sure I would be here without them. How can someone go find the same kind of meaning in another way? People do it. Not everyone has to breed in order to be important. But I wasn't clever enough to find a way to feel like I mattered.
I survived because I used a long list of bad coping methods that got me through that day. I have spent most of my life worried about getting through today. I have plans, sure. The long-term plans help me find a way to structure my day.
In between conversations with her I am trying to figure out how I am going to explain this in the group. How am I going to talk about all the Craigslist Casual Encounter people I found just because I needed to not be alone. If I was alone I felt like I wouldn't make it through that night. So I found people however I could. Most of society tells me I should be ashamed of myself. I am a disgusting whore for having sex with so many people. I have had a lot of sex with people I have never seen again. I don't need to be in love with someone to have sex. I just need to feel desperate.
I will admit it is a bit awkward to me how many people Noah has worked with over the years who are part of my body count. I have gotten to know the men in this valley. The Christmas party last year was festive. Body Count Person's wife was introduced to me and told euphemistically that I was uhhh someone he uhhh knew. She put it together and made some comment about his wild days. It wasn't entirely approving so I did my best to become invisible. Good women don't generally want to have their noses rubbed in the behavior of the filthy whores.
Today I feel convinced that the only use I have is child minder. I'm glad I have that. It's something. I won't always feel this way. But I think I'm going to stay home for a week or two. I don't need to open myself up to more rejection right now. If you can't handle dealing with what you might get, don't ask for anything. If you can't handle being told no or having people just not show up out of the blue don't make plans. I don't need anything else making me cry right now. It's kind of embarrassing. It's awkward to explain to the kids.
I should rest. I'm sick and I have to run twenty four miles this week. Maybe I can tell myself that my lack of social life is me preparing properly for the marathon. I keep doing things with friends that make training harder.
Like staying out very late with that friend who no-showed on me. That fucked up my running for the weekend quite a bit. I'm three miles down with some nasty blisters because I accommodated her schedule. Oh well! Apparently I am giving people too much of myself because I am doing it with the belief that I will get something back. When the something back fails I feel this enormous cavern of need. Because I was doing a trade not a gift. I don't have enough spare to gift right now. So I should stay home and stop dealing with people for a while. I don't have enough going spare to give without expectations so I shouldn't give at all.
It hurts. I feel humiliated that at this point in time I should stay home and focus on the kids because otherwise the kids have to deal with me crying for hours during the day. They have to deal with me being impatient and inflexible. They have to deal with me not wanting them to help. They have to deal with me being upset.
Those people who are upsetting me don't have to deal with my upset. They get to go back to their lives and not give a shit. My kids are the losers. That strikes me as unfair. I feel guilty because I want to do the Slow Fade out of most peoples lives because I just can't handle the losing-trade of our friendship anymore. I don't have anything left to give them. I'm out. That bucket is fucking empty and is currently being used to beat me on the head as folks look for more water. There is no more god damn water.
I keep thinking about a character sketch about a woman who isn't much like me but whom I can understand. I have spent most of my life worried about inconveniencing or hurting other people. What would it be like to truly not care?
I have three people in this world I need to worry about. No one else is interested in a truly reciprocal relationship about needs. That's ok. But I shouldn't act like anyone else is a priority. They aren't. I need to not be supportive and not feel guilty. You betcha. I'm not going to support you any more. You don't fucking support me and I don't have shit to give any more.
I think this is what self-care is?
There are a couple of people who come to my house to see me. I need to stop trying to expand the circle. It's not worth it. I have exactly two people who make an effort to see me every month. That's a lot better than zero, right? They don't bullshit me or call me family. They don't ask much of me. They just come hang out and watch my life for a few hours. They don't add work or effort. It's not an intense kind of support. But it's nice. It feels settled and appropriate. They aren't trying to be my BFF. They are trying to be part of a community. It is a relationship with more distance because they only give me what they have going spare and it's not a lot. It's ok that I don't give them much.
I feel sad and scared and alone. I feel unimportant and invisible.
The thing is, a lot of people have affectionate feelings toward me. They just don't have any way of meeting my needs. It's not their fault. It's not my fault. But it is. It's real. I have no choice but to figure out how to get by without those supposed needs being met or I need to meet them myself. What is a true need?
I need to eat. I seriously need to knock it off with the sugar. I need sleep. I need to start going to bed at a consistent time again. I need to be kind to my family because they are kind to me. That means I need to limit stress.
I think today will move very slowly.