Monday, July 23, 2012

Random judgey thought.

When people I am ostensibly "close" with tell me emphatically that they don't read my blog and they didn't read the book and they aren't going to I feel a sudden and distinct cessation of closeness. This person only wants to know about the parts of me that are "nice".

I don't think that everyone has to keep up with the blog in order to like me. But I do feel kind of intensely about people not wanting to know about my life. I'd like to turn around and start walking so we can keep it that way. I'm not going to fucking censor so you so that you can avoid being uncomfortable. If you don't want to know things like that about a person maybe you just shouldn't know me at all. I will be better off if I avoid people who want me to think that parts of my life are unmentionable.

It isn't that I think everyone has to read it. It's that when people feel the need to emphatically tell me they won't I want to leave. That feels like a door slammed in my face. They won't allow themselves to find out things that are painful so they don't want to know about me.

Ok. I'll take that at face value and leave. There are people in this world who do not flinch when they look at me. I live with them. Maybe I should just stay home.

I'm tired of having to be supportive of people who want to avoid trauma by never knowing that people like me exist. I don't have energy for this.


  1. It makes complete sense to me that you'd feel this way.

  2. Seems to me that it may have more to do with them being averse to what they expect to uncover about them self. Many people are conflict averse. I'd guess anyone who claims to be close to you wants to accept you for who you are today and chances are very good they already have heard about your background. (sez the woman who told you I wouldn't read it then did!)

  3. I agree, you're better off avoiding people who can't or won't see all of you. This world is too full of folks who'll like and admire you because of who you are to waste time with folks who'll merely tolerate you in spite of who you are.

  4. I don't think that's judgey, I think it's a completely valid and understandable feeling. The only possible excuse for refusal to read would be that it would be too triggery for someone to handle because of their own shit. But, I also think you do a pretty amazing job of making people understand the need to look at things, no matter how uncomfortable. And I shout from the rooftops about it.