I have been vibrating with anger all day and that isn't fair to my kids. Part of my anger level is I don't feel like it is ok for me to talk about the things that are making me angry. It cycles from there. I feel like I owe people respect and privacy. I'm not sure why I feel like I owe people this. I guess that once people get to a certain level of inner-circle-of-friends I feel like they get dispensation from the normal rules I have with other people? I don't hash out much of my friendships in writing. Not until long after things happen at least.
I'm allowed to talk about me and my experience of things but I don't get to out people. That is what my "upbringing" in the scene taught me. It's a harder line to walk than it appears on first glance. How can you talk about things and still obfuscate?
I've had two friends no-show in the last week. The second one just finally popped up at the end of the day to explain what happen. I'm frustrated but it's a situation I understand given that I have done similar sorts of things myself. I'm not happy with her because it is the second god damn no-show in a week so now it feels like a big statement about my general self-worth.
I still haven't heard from the first no show. It's been six days. I sent her an email at forty minutes past the meeting time saying that I was going to head out and go to a La Leche League meeting so she probably shouldn't come by at that point. I haven't heard from her. I'm sure she's busy.
I had to explain to my kids what was happening. She told them she was coming. Shanna was looking forward to it. I had to fucking explain to my kid why someone was god damn letting her down. Because she forgot. That happens. Because we aren't fucking important enough to remember, I guess. I didn't say any of that. What I said was, "Well, people make mistakes. I guess she didn't write it down and it slipped her mind."
I'm seething. And I'm ignored. It's hard being reminded how little I matter. I hate being lied to. "I'll be there." Yeah. Right.
I feel guilty for not being more forgiving. I fuck up too. I expect people to tolerate so much, don't I owe people an eternity of putting up with in exchange? That's what this feels like. I'm being tested. Do I love her enough? Do I want a relationship enough? She wants to see what I will put up with before I prove her self-fulfilling prophesy that everyone leaves her. At least that is the story in my head right now. I don't know another story to put in its place. I could reach out and try harder. If this was the first time I had ever had similar experiences I might. But this isn't the first or second or third or twentieth. After a while it seems kind of stupid, don't you think? Obviously I'm not wanted here.
Sometimes life is like that.