Today is really bad for me. And I can't talk about it. Talking about it at all would be inappropriate. I have these two small children here, you see. Shanna has a cruddy nose and a sore throat. I will be here all day with them by myself. Noah will be home after bedtime. It's a very busy day for him.
I'm very suicidal. Not in the sense that I think that people should send someone to watch my children because they are at risk. More that I hate myself a lot today. I feel like I am the sole source of bad for my children. I feel like they would be much better off without a toxic piece of shit like me. Someone less stupid could take care of them. Someone who doesn't need to curl up in bed with a teddy bear and cry at thirty.
Nothing bad has happened today or yesterday or even the day before. But I find places to hide in my house and I take breaks to cry, silently. I'm not supposed to be crying. It is shameful that I am crying. What an ungrateful piece of shit. But I can't stop. I can't stop.