Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Bad day.

Today is really bad for me. And I can't talk about it. Talking about it at all would be inappropriate. I have these two small children here, you see. Shanna has a cruddy nose and a sore throat. I will be here all day with them by myself. Noah will be home after bedtime. It's a very busy day for him.

I'm very suicidal. Not in the sense that I think that people should send someone to watch my children because they are at risk. More that I hate myself a lot today. I feel like I am the sole source of bad for my children. I feel like they would be much better off without a toxic piece of shit like me. Someone less stupid could take care of them. Someone who doesn't need to curl up in bed with a teddy bear and cry at thirty.

Nothing bad has happened today or yesterday or even the day before. But I find places to hide in my house and I take breaks to cry, silently. I'm not supposed to be crying. It is shameful that I am crying. What an ungrateful piece of shit. But I can't stop. I can't stop.

4 comments:

  1. You're the source of a lot of good for your kids. And they haven't experienced a lot of bad, because you work hard to make it that way. That's a pretty excellent thing.

    *offers spare teddy bear*

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  2. They need you. A sad mom is better than none at all.

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  3. Unless you've been writing about somebody else I believe you are one of the better parents I know of.

    ReplyDelete