Saturday, August 18, 2012
found the lost one.
(I found the post from a few days ago that didn't post. Woo.)
Drifting. So much time and so little to do. Strike that. Reverse it.
If I had an odometer it would be red lining. Something needs to change. Noah is about to go through a period of intense stress and it's really important that I support him through this. Supporting him through this will make the next 1-5 years of my life manifestly better. Enough so that it doesn't matter how tired I am... I have to find it somewhere.
I feel like I spend life going between periods of limbo where I am unsure what direction to start off in.
"Get over it and let your kids be friends." I wake up and go to sleep thinking, "I would like to die." I'm really glad for people who can just "get over things" but I can't. I'm sorry. I have to work through things slowly and sometimes that isn't a speed other people like. It feels like every thought I have has to slowly bubble up through the lake of depression. "What should I do today? Who should I talk to? How should I spend my time?" People who take a lot of energy from me in order to bear their presence are not a good trade. If I want to make it to tomorrow I have to carry about that energy load even though no one else gives a shit.
It sounds so melodramatic. I feel like a whiner. I feel like an incompetent piece of shit. In seven weeks I will be an incompetent piece of shit who completes a marathon. I really don't have the extra energy to burn right now.
Things that are hard for me are easy for other people. Things that are easy for me are hard or even impossible for other people. People are asynchronous.
I have a lot of anger. I have to live with it. I have to control it. I have to. Some days it is easier than others. Some days it takes everything I have and I have nothing left to give to assholes who are rude to me. I have to live with that.
Near as I can tell I don't owe anyone anything. Not even my husband. Not even my kids. If I truly don't want to do something then I shouldn't do it. I don't actually hate most of the activities I do. I do, however, wish that I had more help and that I had to do slightly less of them. I believe this will change. I believe that my children will learn the pattern of life from me.
I think that every day that I live I am showing my kids what it looks like to live and be a person. This is what being a grown up looks like. You have to put your own oxygen mask on. I tell my kids pretty frankly that sometimes we don't go to events because I am not up for dealing with the people. I wish I had a larger capacity but I don't. That's life. I can be upset with myself for being who I am or we can have fun at home. Which sounds better?
I'll admit that being almost finished with the garage is a huge weight off my mind. It really and truly looks how I envisioned it in my head a year and a half ago. I'm really excited. I feel so much relief. I think I am glad the washing machine broke.
I have bits and pieces I will change here and there but the structural work is done for many years. Probably most of my childrens' childhood. I did the work until it was done. Now I can stop. I feel relieved in a way I can't put words to. I want to cry with relief. Yes. I did what I said I would do. I don't have to feel driven and anxious and terrible all the time about how pathetic I am for not being done. It's quite a relief.
Now I can finish the play house. Ha.
There are plans that are sprints and there are things that have to be part of the marathon of life. Gardening stuff has to be done slowly in phases over many years. It is teaching me patience. And science. I didn't know science was this interesting.
I feel like I have been trying to settle my house down so that it is the appropriate kind of place for the activities I want to do. I want to homeschool my kids. I want to set up a life around learning. I want a "yes" environment. I suck at babyhood. I'll be honest. This has been a very hard stretch of time but it is almost over. I'm very much looking forward to home schooling. We get to "play school" all day every day. I think that sounds like so much fun that I want to cry. How could I possibly be lucky enough to get to have this life?
Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems. My life is very good. My life is very blessed. But I have limitations. I'm very clear about which limitations are mine and which belong to other people. I talk to Shanna about how right now she is limited to having the kind of environment I feel comfortable in and I like staying home. As she gets older she won't need me for direct supervision as much and she will be allowed to stray further and further from home and she will get to find out what kinds of environments make her most comfortable. Every bit of exploration will happen when it is the appropriate time for it to happen. You don't have to do everything before you are ten. It's ok to wait on a few things. Life is long.
I think a lot about rural living situations. I think about historical lives. I think about how bizarre it is that I feel pressured to put my kid into group classes so she can "learn about children her age" when I'm not sure that is historically or evolutionarily necessary. She does hang out with kids. But she does a lot better in mixed age settings. Sometimes she plays with the babies, sometimes the other 3-5 year olds, sometimes the 11 year old. It all depends on which game they want to play that minute. I don't see how it benefits her to be pushed into being lock-step with people "her age". It's such an odd idea to me. I feel resentful about the idea.
I was always highly asynchronous. I am forking thrilled to let Shanna develop a friendship with a girl who is seven years older than her who is quiet and shy and reserved and timid. That's a lot better than the sexually active, drug-using children I hung out with. Perspective is an interesting experience.
Shanna is mad at me because I am pulling back on screen time. They are both getting grabby and demanding and rude about the ipad and to me that means it's time for a break. If you bloody scream at me that you want that NOW I am categorically going to deny you whatever it is you wanted. I don't scream at you like that and I'm not going to god damn let you do it to me. I feel like it is important. I feel like it is mandatory socialization. I don't know how to do this when other people are around. I tolerate or don't tolerate different behaviors and it is confusing to me and the kids. It's stressful and hard to remember.
I should start working. My back is sore. Maybe it's time for some vitamin I.
I wake up and go to sleep thinking I would like to die. But then I see Noah lying next to me. Not yet.