Sunday, September 30, 2012

Brain dump + Bonus question.

Occasionally someone will say something to me along the lines of them being worried about Noah being supportive enough.

I just yelled at Noah for almost two hours straight about how mad I am at all men and how angry I am about the current ways of dealing with rape in larger society and I said a lot of thinly veiled mildly implicating things that were quite harsh about all men. One time he slapped the arms of his chair and had a sharp intake of breath and he stood up and took two steps around in a circle then set his face in stern lines and settled in for more listening.

And over and over he patiently explained all the flawed results of my incoherent half-plans. He wasn't dismissive but he was insistent. I'm just not looking at the whole picture. He's right. He wasn't even slightly demeaning. He was measured and careful in his tone. His facial expression was carefully monitored.

And when I cried in frustration and said I don't know what to do he shook his head and sadly said he doesn't either.

Noah has limited capacity to support me because he is a human being. I can consciously see how he is working as hard as he can to be supportive. It's not his fault I have this hole in my life that is supposed to be filled by other people. I can't do anything about that either.

Shanna told me yesterday that she wants to see the Eiffel Tower some day and she doesn't care that I don't like Paris I will have to go with her and she will make sure I have fun. I bet you she would be right.

I don't run in Fremont again before the marathon. I am supposed to walk nine miles in the next five days. We leave for Disneyland Tuesday morning. Piece of cake. The marathon is pretty much exactly seven days away. Nearly to the minute.

I feel disembodied and empty. Drained.


One thing Noah promised to do for me (we'll see) is set up a website and a mailing list. I'm going to start writing again soon. I have two very specific book ideas I'm playing with and I'm having trouble deciding which to write next.

My relationship with Tom will be a book by itself. It will be incredibly graphic and highly sexual.

The other book is one that Noah is encouraging me towards: Outrunning Suicide: A Harm Reduction Approach to Life. I already have the starts of the table of contents and multiple chapters partially written. I'll be going through and examining all the ways I distract myself from killing myself. I think it is an interesting topic and so does Noah.

What do other people think?

8 comments:

  1. For "Outrunning Suicide" - if you decide to include other people's ways they keep from killing themselves, I'd be happy to contribute.

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    1. Noah has promised me a mailing list. It may be live by mid-October. The whole point is that I want contributions. :)

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  2. I think the Outrunning Suicide book is a good idea. :) Nice to see you this evening.

    Alison

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    1. Thanks. It was nice to see you as well. I'm looking forward to seeing you again soon.

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  3. Please please write it. I have another woman friend who is overcoming trauma through running. There must be thousands more. Write it for them. Write it for those of us who are too broken to run.

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    1. It won't be just about running. :) Thanks.

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  4. I think Outrunning Suicide should be fascinating. I also think promoting it ahead of the more sexual book will tilt the publishing odds more firmly in your favor. Everyone feels free to support a work opposing suicide, who could object? But, thanks to our Puritanical roots, many are more reluctant to show support for a work with graphic sexuality. I look forward to reading them both, regardless.

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  5. You're one of the few people that seem to truly grok my "one cigarette every two years" thing. Harm reduction as a model for dealing with all the various addictions, dysfunctions and wounds we carry feels very misunderstood and undervalued in our society to me.

    I think you should write whichever book is speaking to you in the moment, there will be days you want to write about hot sex in your past, and days that explaining another tool or not killing ourselves is the only way to not. Do whats right in the moment and do what makes a difference...but then that's always what you do. :)

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