Thursday, September 6, 2012

I hate limbo.

But I love having a plan. I have thirty days left until the marathon. If the kids want to watch the ipad, fine. I'm too tired to be entertaining. I want to be able to stretch without being knocked over. I'm also trying to not smoke. That leaves me dependent on edibles/pills and that's a different experience for mood control. I think my lungs deserve a break this month. The hacking cough is really gross.

I think I should try not to type much. I need to find arm braces. I need to start icing my arms and stretching more consistently. Otherwise NaNoWriMo will wreck me. I'm looking forward to this book. Smart ass working title: Mary Sue's Love Story

It's weird thinking of myself as an animal training for a performance event. It changes how careful I am with myself. I give more respect to an animal than I do to myself. It's not like I think I am an expensive race horse or anything, but I am being nicer to myself than I was and improvement is the point.

I finally set up the drop keyboard stuff on the desk. Maybe I won't fuck up my hands by typing at a surface 6" too high this year.

I gave away all the last of my tomatoes because K likes green ones. She makes a relish with them. I am planning to rip out all the tomato plants today and do a bunch of digging and maybe some planting. I am having a hard time with everything being waiting.

But holy christ do I not have the energy for people. I can barely be nice to Noah. I'm nice to the kids but I'm distracted. I feel far away. I think that is one of the big differences between the edibles and smoking. I get far less of this complete dissociation with smoking. I also get fewer panic attacks this way. I'm kind of looking forward to a few weeks of being this kind of stoned, honestly. It feels really nice for my nervous system--like a vacation from being me. I don't have the heart pounding and the skin tension and easy startle. I feel really guilty when I am stoned like this. Like it is a cop out. I'm not learning how to really live. I'm not so stoned I am sitting on the couch and staring at the tv. But I am moving slowly and stopping to stretch a lot. I feel able to pay attention to the weird knots in my neck instead of just feeling angry with myself for not being as stretchy/bendy/flexible as I wish I was.

But I feel like I am breathing under water. I feel just a slight heaviness on my chest. It's still easier than the panic attacks. But I can't drive this stoned. I know I am reacting a few seconds too slow. I'm not stupid. Which means for a few weeks I can't drive much. (No, I don't drive after smoking either, but I can come home and immediately smoke and feel relief from the anxiety and edibles work differently in my system--it's less of a push-the-button-get-medicine effect. It's global or nada.)

There is a part of me that looks at the time line of my life and mentally stocks up pot for the crisis points--the anniversaries. The specific new, big traumas. I think I will be able to get to a point where I'm ok for weeks or months in between trigger points. I'm starting to wonder if I should even be trying to "not react" to trigger events. It seems like I spend a lot of time and energy trying to not get upset by things that would make any rational person upset. That's silly. If I just batten down the hatches at those points, maybe there will be "ok" in between.

Less than seven years. I have to be completely functional without any medication to help within seven years. If I can't go for a year completely sober here then we can't travel internationally. Sober sooner would be better.

I'm scared.

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