I have a lot of shame and guilt around medicating. I "try not to use it" unless I am in crisis. When I am trying to use edibles that means that once I hit the point of crying and shaking and feeling really bad there is no potential relief for 45-90 minutes. Right now my body hurts. No good reason. Nothing happened.
All I want to do is cut. That would take this feeling away in less than a minute. I would feel better. I wouldn't be crying. I wouldn't feel frantic and scared and out of control and helpless.
But I would be teaching my daughters something. Instead I am teaching them that sometimes you cry. They don't know what I am thinking. I kind of hope they never do.