Monday, November 5, 2012

Shrink your world

One of the problems with living your life through the internet is there is this constant reminder that there is someone awesome in the world... only you don't get to see them. They are far away. Sometimes they feel "only" thirty-five miles away. In the bay area that's no big deal for dinner.

But all of this travel has a cost. The cost isn't as obvious as it used to be. One upon a time thirty-five miles was probably multiple days of travel. Now... why are you being so lazy? Why don't you join a group that has a one hour meeting once a week forty miles away from your house. I go to therapy in Oakland because I can't find a compatible therapist closer. I spend four and a half hours and $10.50 on the trip. That's a cost.

Life is about a series of choices. You can deny that you are making them and whine about the results but you can't change the fact that it is happening. Most of the time people do nothing. They watch tv or play a video game or whine on mothering.com. Not a one is more moral than any other. What would people do if they were doing? How would they live if they didn't center their lives around "making money"? The vast majority of software that gets written is thrown away without being used. The vast majority of my work is thrown away. Laundry and dishes are eternal. They are just life. Everyone must deal with them. They take so much time.

What do we do when we go do something? Do we go watch a movie? Do we build something? Do we go somewhere interesting? What is interesting about it? Why is it interesting? Everyone has a set of decisions they make that satisfy their priorities.

I spend a lot of time at home. More than anything I want my home to be beautiful. It is kind of becoming the thing I care about. I don't care about cars. I don't care about my clothes overmuch. I still wear clothes I bought when I was fourteen. (polyester cotton blend dress--I may have it till I am fifty--it fits from 135 lbs to 205 lbs miraculously) I'm not going to focus much on fashion.

I can't control Noah and I can't control my kids and I can't control very much of how my life goes over the next few years. I have made long-term choices that require frugal living. No whining.

I want my house to be pretty. I want to feel proud of it. This is going to be an interesting journey. I'm going to have to learn how to do most of this by myself. When the kids get older they will probably help but I can't reliably count on anyone else. I don't know how much money I will have for these projects. All signs point to less than $100/month. I love freecycle like nobodies business. I feel guilty sometimes because I kind of feel like I am stealing from genuine poor people. I am making the choice to not spend money and someone else may not have a choice. I don't feel like I should let that worry cause me to sit in a depressive rut in my house. If the only way I can get stuff is freecycle, I have as much right as anyone else to ask. Sometimes I win; sometimes I don't.

I crossed two things off my to do list today. I finally got the van maintenance done (I've been putting it off for over a month) and I signed the kids back up for swim class. They have their own section of the budget so they get to do activities. I don't feel like it is reasonable to throw them into a life of poverty in favor of some someday when things will happen. Their lives will be better if they know how to swim. I'm not signing them up for fifteen classes, but we'll manage some things. I think that is fair.

My neighbor is pressuring me to put Shanna into a private (religious) school with her son next year. Hell no with a side of biscuits. Shanna keeps asking about kindergarden. I may sign her up for the online charter just to shut her up. I feel like my mantra in life right now is "We'll see". Whenever the kids ask me when something is happening or if something is happening I say, "I don't know! We'll see..." like a tv announcer. This would be more effective if they had ever heard/seen this schtick before. I think it is hilarious that when they see pop culture they will think it is imitating me long before they know I didn't make this stuff up. I really like being cool.

The biggest limitation is how much work can I do while still being nice. Gosh it varies. But if I do manage to get a lot done I am more likely to feel good about myself than in any other set of variables. Of course.

I'm obsessively thinking about money. Some time in the next month I'm going to lay out the year, talk about my problem areas and why I'm being stupid in the ways I'm being stupid (cause we go for the honesty here). Sometimes I'm stupid. Unfortunately my family has to live with that. And I'm the kind of freak who is going to explain to the internet how so and why. For no reason beyond I want to. Then I stop freaking out about it. It's a coping mechanism. It's better than most of my traditional ones. Just go with me here.

And I want to write out why I have the attitude I do about Christmas. I have been feeling really weird about writing lately. I'm not making any progress. I'm not able to work on editing. It's too god damn depressing. I think I need to explore some non-typing, spoken word technology for the next book. I'm kind of worried about my arms. Luckily I have friends to ask about this.

I need to go get ready for a tea party. We invited the nice waitress from the local breakfast restaurant. She often brings small gifts for my daughters and we have gotten to know one another over a period of about six years. I'm scared. I want her to like me. I will be crushed if she decides I am bad. I'll keep my mouth shut and the door to the bedroom with the pornographic pictures closed. No actually I don't care if my kids see them. One is a really gorgeous artistic shot done by a friend of mine and the others are all me naked while pregnant. So not "pornographic" but people have expressed shock. Bite me. I think they are cool.

I need to stop wasting time. But I don't want to work. Of course not, Krissy--you are depressed. Never the less the work waits. Here I sit. Yup, still here. Suck.

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