Monday, December 17, 2012

Have to think about the quota

If one is going to have a quota for how much sex one has then one should occasionally examine how such a system is working. In my opinion.

The kids were gone for almost 48 hours so we spent more time than usual talking about sex. I feel really grateful that despite how hard I hunted in the bdsm community I ended up with someone basically outside that world. Don't get me wrong--Noah likes kinky sex. He likes hitting someone who is ok with it. He likes being mean when he has permission. I have yet to know anyone within the community who is actually as good at reigning it in as Noah is. Noah is not driven by his desires. They are small and subtle accents on his overall sexuality. Hurting someone isn't the point of sex for him.

It is weird when I think about my ex. My Owner. I wasn't a real person to him. He didn't know much about me and he actively shushed me because he didn't want to know. He didn't want to talk about his life much. He worked 60-80 hours a week. He wanted a slave to take care of details he didn't like bothering about. He didn't want to know me. He didn't even particularly like having sex with me. We didn't have much sex--he did it because I wanted to and mostly he wasn't interested in meeting my needs. He liked tying me up and hurting me while fully dressed then he would masturbate. I was more or less live action porn.

Noah doesn't treat me like that. Noah is quite clear that I am more interesting to him than any other human being has ever been. He likes talking to me. He likes knowing what I am thinking. He appreciates it when I tell him what is going on. He likes having sex with me. He would do it all day every day if we had time and no friction burns.

It's different. Dealing with them is so different. Everything I learned for my Owner is irrelevant in the course of the rest of my life. I feel like I have gone through life trying on personalities. Who am I allowed to be around this person? What do they want to know about me? Mostly very little.

I started dating Noah for the first time when I was still living with Tom. They overlapped for months. Hell, Noah came over and slept with Tom and I. (I slept with Noah and his girlfriend too.)

I met Noah in February of 2004. I broke up with my Owner in August and moved out the first weekend in October. That first weekend I had my first date with my Daddy J.

Daddy J liked to bring people home with us. Between when I left Tom and when I married Noah in September of 2006 I slept with more than eighty people. Most of them were because Daddy J would bring people over to me and say, "She has an empty hole. You should fill it."

I didn't date him very long. I couldn't handle it. That was so much worse than Tom not wanting to fuck me at all. I felt so very worthless as a person. All he wanted from me was access to my cunt and my ass and my mouth. He could avoid getting to know me by ensuring my mouth was never empty long enough to talk.

Noah feels so very nice to me. Noah was enthusiastic and ok about the idea of me sleeping with other people but he never pushed for it or watched or controlled it. He was ok with me doing that if I wanted to but it wasn't about him.

I don't want to any more. I feel so used up and abandoned. I feel like the vast majority of people who have fucked me have ended up not being very nice to me. They certainly don't feel any kind of bond.

If I'm at all honest I think part of the reason I am going to be thrilled when Noah migrates away from his current company is he works with a lover. One who wasn't just once. One who was almost a one night stand until I ran into him a few years later and all of a sudden he was so impressed with my sense of boundaries that he wanted to have an occasional thing on the side more often because I was good at not invading his life. I knew I was only supposed to show up for sex then leave and be silent. He wanted more of that.

I am so tired of people wanting access to my genitals while feeling like the right way to handle my mouth is to duct tape it shut.

I lived for four years with someone who thought it was great fun to put plastic bags over my head and then wrap my neck with duct tape. He liked watching me cry through the plastic. No, he didn't want to know what I thought or felt. Eventually when I started freaking out he would poke his fingers through the plastic over my mouth. Usually followed immediately by kissing me so that I couldn't actually breathe. It was hotter that way.

So now I'm married to this guy who seems practically angelically nice in comparison. He doesn't pimp me. He doesn't degrade me. He wants to know about me.

And I've got this quota. I kind of tried to explain it on MDC and failed. It isn't at his initiation. Noah is a simple creature. I can look at his life and judge how much stress he is under. Sex has a specific trade value. It reduces his stress level by x%. If I want him to keep functioning then I have to help him with the stress balance in his life. I know how much sex makes him able to work how hard. I've been watching him for six years. Compared to everyone else I have tried to learn he is dead easy.

But that means I'm having sex because it is stress relief for Noah. Not because I want it per se. Post kids sex is just weird. I'm not getting off like I used to. It's not that I can't at all (this weekend was awesome we went to a sex party and had lame awkward sex [because I felt uncomfortable] and came home and had ridiculously hot sex and I got off multiple times. That doesn't happen much anymore. Woo!) it's that it works differently.

I'm not who I was. Not at all. I am struggling with how much change is permitted in a partner. If he married me because he thought it was hot to be with someone very promiscuous then we have problems. I can't be that person forever. It is too hard on me.

I don't think promiscuity is a problem per se I feel that I don't have enough of a support system in my life for me to pour out my physical energy on something that does nothing for me. I don't get energy back. It makes it harder to go do my life. I have too much to get done. I have nothing more to give in that department.

So sex doesn't (usually) feel very sexy any more. It's stress relief for Noah. That's what I'm there for. It's uhm, well... he is quite nice to me. I like that. I really appreciate that in order to feel like he has "the right" he spends a lot of time gently touching my body. I have never really experienced anything like this before. He is so nice to me. I feel like I don't belong here. He should be giving this treatment to someone who deserves it. I'm the stupid whore. Why is he wasting time being nice to me? I don't matter.

So things are muddy lately.

When you come out as a survivor of early childhood sexual assault (and ohman INCEST) and especially when you have major adult promiscuity people always want to talk to you about celibacy. Maybe you should try it. The prevalence of this response is annoying. I can't possibly "work on my issues" unless I stop having compulsory sex.

Ah. I see. All this work I've done "doesn't count" because I haven't done it how you think I should do it. Right. Tell me again why I should care about your system? Oh, yes. You read an "Expert" so now I have to listen to you. You don't even know for sure that your "Expert" would react to me how you are reacting so how about if I turn and walk away now.

The day-to-day life I lead now bears absolutely no resemblance to anything I have ever lived before. It is hard to believe that one life can encompass so much change. And I am going to change more. I am going to learn more. I will get better at a lot of things that I currently suck at.

I don't think that celibacy is going to be part of it. I care too much about that stress relief function. I need to have Noah continue to feel invested in me. He bonds through sex. Oh baby does he bond through sex. And sex is much better when I tell him what I am thinking about. I'm not used to that. I'm used to people wanting to hear a narrative I make up. Usually what I'm "thinking about" is a story deliberately suited to that person--it has very little to do with me.

Noah is different.

It is weird to try to parse out the differences between my compulsive sexuality and my feelings of obligation and trying to earn someone liking me. Noah really likes me. To the point where when the kids are gone he follows me around with large fawn eyes because he is so happy that he can relax into adoring me without the risk of anyone screaming suddenly near our heads. The screaming totally harshes our mellow. Six years. He still follows me around because he wants to listen to what I'm babbling while I walk around doing random things.

I can't express how overwhelming this is. Why does he care? It feels so good. Part of it is the sex. He wants me to feel loved and wanted all the time, not just when we are having sex, and we have a lot of sex so he feels pretty required to be demonstrative all the time. So I don't feel bad about him only validating me during sex.

He brings me flowers. Yes, I'm going to keep a quota so this man stays happy. I think that taking sex away from him would be like kicking a puppy. It makes him so very happy. He's not demanding. He phrases it as, "As always I would be entirely interested in sex. It is totally ok if you would like to just snuggle. I just wanted you to know." When I say no, he still rubs my back. He still talks to me. He still strokes my hair and soothes me to sleep. There is no punishment. No revoking of love. No lessening of attention. He still likes me.

The only time Noah yells at me is when we are on opposite sides of the house and we just can't stop talking to each other. We are a loud house. We like talking to one another and we like getting up and doing stuff. So we just raise our voices to carry on the conversation over greater distance. No big deal.

I feel so loved in this house. It is very hard that feeling loved is so alienating. I wish it wasn't. I don't always know how to engage.

I told Noah that the quota is a reminder to me that I have to hit the stress relief button a certain number of times every month if I want him at full capacity. I know that when stress is lower in our lives I can dip down a bit if I feel like it (and I do some months) and I know when I have to up the quota. I watch his life. Deliverables at work. The kids hitting a challenging milestone. His additional projects. I watch what he is eating. I adjust his diet as much as I can given that he eats at work.

He is able to be calm and happy and patient with me and the kids if I hit the stress relief button enough times. If I don't then he gets tired and run down and kind of sad. He doesn't get angry. He just moves slower. He looks wasted. He looks like he is literally running out of gas. Just add sex. It's like a miracle drug. I'm going to keep doing that.

It is a pragmatic choice. I don't feel exploited. I find it kind of happily fitting. I am unusually well suited by my life circumstances to benefit from having a partner who has this much of a connection between sex and well being. And it's vanilla missionary sex and he's gentle and nice and it's really just not a big deal to do a lot of taking one for the team. Honestly it's sweet. It doesn't rock my world, but it makes me feel good about myself.

I feel like I have changed the deal on Noah to such a degree that consideration on my part is a good idea. Once upon a time in our marriage we had a set up where I could revoke all sex and that would be something he could live with--he was allowed to fuck other people if he needed to. He can't do that any more.

It seems to me that marriage has to be good for both parties. I don't feel used or exploited by Noah. If anything I feel overwhelmed by shame because he married down in pretty much every way. I don't feel competent enough or smart enough or worthwhile enough for him. BUT I CAN HAVE SEX. I'm not going to strongly consider celibacy any decade soon here.

I feel bad about being this way. I feel like it would probably be a good idea for me to have some kind of idea of my body as a closed system I don't owe anyone access to. But I don't anticipate actually feeling that way until or unless Noah was out of the picture. I got married. That changes things. I'm no longer a closed system. I am part of a unit. I'm married.

Whether it is philosophically a good idea to feel like a closed unit or not it is specifically unuseful in my current life. It would be destructive. It would be harmful to my marriage to try hard to close off from him. I don't want to. I like him. I don't want to hurt him. I am not being harmed in any way and I like being part of this unit. This is the most positive experience of my life. I don't see the benefit in trying to close off.

He isn't harming me and he wants to know how I am doing and he adjusts his behavior based on my requests and he isn't demanding and he isn't pushy. I am not going to punish him just so I can have a philosophical conversion at this point in life. It wouldn't make my life better.

I'm not worried about being forced. When I say, "not tonight" he backs off completely. I know that if I tell him that his needs aren't important and I am not going to meet them he will put his head down and accept that as natural and right. I don't need to be another big source of that in life for him. I married him because I wanted to be part of a family where we help one another be bigger and better than we can be while standing alone. I really want the mutual exchange of support. It allows me to do things I simply can't do alone. I want to be part of a unit. That means consideration. A quota isn't romantic or sweet but it reminds me that he has needs. He matters. Meeting his needs is a good idea if I want him to be able to continue to meet my needs.

That's probably enough defensiveness for one day.


  1. This is one of the most lovely pieces of your writing that I have read. I have tears in my eyes right now. This is a good description of my marriage; my husband's temperament is very similar in many ways. I recharge his batteries by giving him access to my body; it seems natural. Me being sick means that sometimes he can't have it, though, even when he needs it - that caused a huge rift in our union. Now we are figuring out how to get his needs met even when I am flaring up. In return he is more capable of taking care of me - the kids - the house and pets - and still go to the office and do his incredibly demanding work.

    Thank you for writing this - I'm going to read it a few more times. It's feeling very comforting right now, while my own husband is away.

    1. I'm glad you like it. :) Relationships are really weird and complicated. Trying to decide what one "deserves" is really hard.

  2. " I don't feel competent enough or smart enough or worthwhile enough for him."

    I'm sure he has said this to you, but I'll say it anyway. If the only right person for him were someone as competent and smart as he is, he would be very unlikely to find that person and therefore would be having a lot less sex, and be ultimately less happy as a result. Really. The important thing is not that you're as good as he is at the things he's good at. The important thing is that you compliment each other well, and I think it's clear you do that.

    (if I'm being preachy and obvious and annoying here, let me know and I'll stop. Otherwise I'm going to continue making points every so often on your blog about where you don't need to feel so guilty all the time)

    1. It's cool. :) I am trying to understand that you and Ali and such folks are trying to be different inside voices and I'm trying to figure out how that works.

      I just generally respond to you with whole other posts instead of comments because you spark big responses. :)