Thursday, December 27, 2012

I guess that means my family found my blog.

Hello anonymous comments shaming me for not playing the game right.

I didn't walk away from my family exclusively because of my mom. I didn't divorce my niece or nephew or aunt because of my mom.

My sister is a pedophile. My mother covers for her. That's enough for me. If you think that I am wrong for keeping a pedophile out of my life, or someone who has actively covered for multiple fucking pedophiles, well then... we have no common ground.

I feel enormous guilt for kicking my niece out of my life. I know it's a shitty thing to do. I left her to carry the whole abusive raft on her own. My nephew won't work enough to keep a place to live. My sister hasn't worked in years because she has enormous psychological issues (no shit). My mom hasn't worked in years--I presume she is waiting for my father's social security.

They wanted me for money. I'm not interested in being that for them. I don't make any. I have no fucking money of my own. They would love to drain my husband dry. That's family, right?

No. I was told from when I was a little girl that I would be responsible for taking care of my family when I grew up.

Now my not even 21 year old niece works at In-n-Out and sells Mary Kay cosmetics because that is the income in the house.

I didn't walk away from her because she has a relationship with my mother. I walked away from her because as long as she buys into the idea that she has to carry the whole broken family she is going to fail. It is inevitable. I only hope she doesn't have kids because her mom is a sick and scary person.

Yes, I'm a selfish fucking asshole. I divorced my whole family along with the problem people because the whole system creates a safe haven for abusers.

I just can't be part of it. If that hurts my feelings or their feelings, oh well. We are all grown ups now. We are all making active choices. I'm allowed to dislike the choices that other people make and I am allowed to not have a relationship with them over their choices.

Don't act like I am the bad guy here. Give me a god damn break. I'm not supposed to be allowed to break contact with my family after how badly I was abused? Oh go fuck yourself. With a chainsaw.

So far I have tried pretty hard to avoid using the full names of my family members. Occasionally a first name slips out. Very very rarely a last name (and we don't all have the last name) so I feel like I've been polite and all that. I've been trying pretty hard to make my story about me and leave other people out of it. If I feel threatened the correct thing for me to do is to come out more, not less. I don't think anyone in my family would like it if I used their legal name every time I talk about my family history of pedophilia and rape. That would make Google a very different entity in their lives.

Right now I believe I am one of the top ten hits for "my father raped me". I have left my family out of that very consciously. I could change that. If I feel more threatened I absolutely will.

The main protection I have in this life is to not be silent. I can't give it up.

4 comments:

  1. As is often the case, I don't know the Right Thing To Say. I do read, I do think of you often, and I can't even imagine the amount of strength it takes to hold yourself together as well as you do, day in and day out. Noah has an amazing wife, the kids have an amazing mom. I hope someday you reach the place you're looking for. I'm sure this is reading awkwardly - did I mention I don't often know the Right Thing to say? - I just wanted to say Something.

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  2. If I'm remembering the blog post correctly, you sent your 19 year old niece an abusive email calling her toxic poison and telling her she can't be anywhere near you or your kids in response to her emailing you that you hurt her feelings by demanding that she reject or in MDC terms "cut off contact" with the rest of her family. She's a child and your relationship to her is that you're her aunt. How are you any less of an abuser than anyone else?

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    1. The fact that I never sexually assaulted any of my minor family members means that I am less of an abuser than them. If you don't agree with that then we can't have a conversation.

      I offered my *adult* niece financial support and a place to go if she wanted to stop living with her abuser. The fact that she chooses to stay is something she has to bear the consequences for.

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  3. Good job keeping your family safe Krissy. You did what you had to, which wasn't easy. That's what REAL moms do- protect their offspring.

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