I am having a lot of nasty self-hating thoughts. Those are primarily manifesting externally as me snapping at Noah when he asks me how I am doing.
I hadn't cried in over a week. Yesterday there was a lot of uncontrollable crying and today is pretty rocky too.
I don't know how to stop wanting. But the wanting is a fresh wound over and over. Wanting is so foolish. Wanting is just the first step in being let down.
I wish I had more positive feelings towards humankind. I understand that there are people who have never let me down. I also have never asked them for anything serious and the people I have asked for serious things have all faded away.
It feels like it is all my fault. I would be able to have more people in my life if only I weren't so bad. So terrible. Mean. Unforgiving.
I can't forgive anyone else for anything anymore. I can't forgive myself for anything and I have the unhappy premonition that has to come first.
I wish I hated me less. I wish that I didn't want to cut. I wish that I didn't want to hurt myself at all. I wish that I could stop crying. I wish that my stomach didn't hurt. I wish my neck and head didn't hurt. I wish I didn't spend so much time alone. I wish that my kids "counted" as more company. It feels horribly unfair to them that they don't.
I feel like everything in my life is draining me and nothing feeds me. I am a riverbed gone dry. I don't know what else I have to give.
I was told not to isolate myself in giving up on Facebook. I think I am going to do that in fact. It looks like a lot of staying home in December, obviously other than Disneyland. Because in the midst of my pity party I have to feel kind of weird about the fact that I have such a ridiculous amount of privilege.
I am well past the point where money buys more happiness. At this point more money, more things to do don't make me happier. Going to Disneyland is a nice distraction and it fills several days and it breaks our routine and I will do far less work than usual which is nice. We are staying in a studio this time. That means there is no stove so I can't cook. This trip will involve a lot of dried cereal. We never eat dry cereal. Gosh it sounds fun.
I am looking forward to taking the kids to see the fancy decorations. I don't do a lot of them. I am looking forward to being able to do everything on foot. I am looking forward to being able to walk around for distraction all day long. I bet we will spend a lot of the day playing in Downtown Disney on the sidewalk. That's just as much fun for them.
I don't like that I keep hurting Noah. I feel like a nasty bitch. I probably am. I'm sure he deserves better. I wish I was better. I wish that I was as good as he deserves. But I'm not.
Today it feels so mean to force people to tolerate my company. I don't feel like I am capable of being silent enough to not be offensive and mean and bad.
In other news I am due to start my period anytime in the next 72 hours. Could be any second. There is a non-zero possibility that this weekends freak out is entirely related to hormones.