Sunday, December 2, 2012

just mean

I am having a lot of nasty self-hating thoughts. Those are primarily manifesting externally as me snapping at Noah when he asks me how I am doing.

I hadn't cried in over a week. Yesterday there was a lot of uncontrollable crying and today is pretty rocky too.

I don't know how to stop wanting. But the wanting is a fresh wound over and over. Wanting is so foolish. Wanting is just the first step in being let down.

I wish I had more positive feelings towards humankind. I understand that there are people who have never let me down. I also have never asked them for anything serious and the people I have asked for serious things have all faded away.

It feels like it is all my fault. I would be able to have more people in my life if only I weren't so bad. So terrible. Mean. Unforgiving.

I can't forgive anyone else for anything anymore. I can't forgive myself for anything and I have the unhappy premonition that has to come first.

I wish I hated me less. I wish that I didn't want to cut. I wish that I didn't want to hurt myself at all. I wish that I could stop crying. I wish that my stomach didn't hurt. I wish my neck and head didn't hurt. I wish I didn't spend so much time alone. I wish that my kids "counted" as more company. It feels horribly unfair to them that they don't.

I feel like everything in my life is draining me and nothing feeds me. I am a riverbed gone dry. I don't know what else I have to give.

I was told not to isolate myself in giving up on Facebook. I think I am going to do that in fact. It looks like a lot of staying home in December, obviously other than Disneyland. Because in the midst of my pity party I have to feel kind of weird about the fact that I have such a ridiculous amount of privilege.

I am well past the point where money buys more happiness. At this point more money, more things to do don't make me happier. Going to Disneyland is a nice distraction and it fills several days and it breaks our routine and I will do far less work than usual which is nice. We are staying in a studio this time. That means there is no stove so I can't cook. This trip will involve a lot of dried cereal. We never eat dry cereal. Gosh it sounds fun.

I am looking forward to taking the kids to see the fancy decorations. I don't do a lot of them. I am looking forward to being able to do everything on foot. I am looking forward to being able to walk around for distraction all day long. I bet we will spend a lot of the day playing in Downtown Disney on the sidewalk. That's just as much fun for them.

I don't like that I keep hurting Noah. I feel like a nasty bitch. I probably am. I'm sure he deserves better. I wish I was better. I wish that I was as good as he deserves. But I'm not.

Today it feels so mean to force people to tolerate my company. I don't feel like I am capable of being silent enough to not be offensive and mean and bad.

 In other news I am due to start my period anytime in the next 72 hours. Could be any second. There is a non-zero possibility that this weekends freak out is entirely related to hormones.


  1. (In my experience, studio apartments generally have kitchens- tiny ones, with stoves- also tiny. You might choose not to cook, but I'd expect you would have the option.)

    Thanks again for coming down to dinner tonight. It was, as always, really nice to see you guys.

    I've realized why this blog is so odd for me to read. When I spend time with you in person, I never see a hint of the things you write about here. Not the anger, not the frustration, not the worries about how you're parenting. I have trouble matching the person in this blog with the person I see face-to-face.

    I'm sure that's deliberate, but I wonder how difficult it is. Are you able to just not worry about some of that stuff when you're out with people? Or are you actively and consciously on "good behavior" when we're together? If the latter, it must be so tiring.

    1. The time share apartments do not have a stove unless you have a unit with bedrooms. The studio has a mini fridge and a microwave. It is one of the biggest difference for why the "price" goes up so dramatically between levels of accommodation.

      It is specifically deliberate and why I don't go out in public if I can't "play the game" right now. That is why I carefully limit how many hours we are social in a week. I can't be on best behavior for very long before I have break through crying or panic attacks I can't control in public. It is very embarrassing and limiting.

    2. Your comment was so good I wrote you a whole post in response. :)

      I hope it never feels bad that I curse so much while I write. I am not mad at you. I really appreciate that you take the time to read and comment.