I went to the police station this morning.
I dressed up. I wore a nice skirt and a button up blouse (with pinstripes!) and a blazer and nylons and heels. I looked like a proper grown up. I looked respectable.
When I got there I found out that no officers hang out in the police station. Whoops. I was asked if I wanted to go home and wait for the officer there and talk about it in a more comfortable setting. That was the closest I got to crying. I said that my children don't need to know about this part of me.
I spoke with a lovely officer. It's all information-only at this point, as it should be. But they know I exist. They know my family exists. They know that there is a long history of me being assaulted. Saying things like, "I prosecuted my father for rape in San Bernadino County when I was sixteen" made my story much more credible.
The officer told me that coming in was the right choice. He was glad I did. He was very sympathetic and supportive. I was expecting a more dismissive reaction so that felt ridiculously nice. I felt very grateful.
My breath got a little shaky but mostly I stayed very calm. I did not cry. I was not overly emotive.
The whole conversation was under fifteen minutes. We talked about my safety options. He told me again that he applauded my courage.
He seemed to be a little curious why I wrote the book if I am afraid of my family. I told him, "Being out is the only protection I have. They got away with my childhood because it was all hidden. I don't let anything be hidden now."
He nodded but didn't say anything. I'm sure the psychology of trauma victims is something that police officers don't like to think about more than required.
I did the right thing. I'm not being neurotically paranoid. When you can talk to two therapists, a social worker and a police officer and they all say, "You are not being paranoid" it's validating.
I hate my dependence on validation.