Saturday, December 22, 2012

Not competent enough.

Yesterday we were scheduled to go to two parties. I wanted to go to two parties. We went to one party. The kids were normal, healthy, active kids. By which I mean it was invasion of the brats. As we were getting in the car to head to the second party Shanna collected a whole big pool of saliva in her mouth and spat it on her sister. Then started laughing. That is specifically why I don't hit my kids. Because in my heart of hearts I believe that is not worthy of being hit for but in the moment I had to clasp my two hands together because I wanted to slap her face.

This was after a day full of Shanna beating on people and occasionally getting hit back. She has a huge scratch down her face and she spent almost twenty minutes crying after she was kicked in the stomach. Of course it is all his fault only the moms were standing around watching. She ran up to the kid and hit him five times before he finally reacted. I'm just not mad at him for defending himself.

I didn't stop hitting people until Noah. I used to hit people a lot. Ask Jenny. For years she flinched around me constantly. I was extremely violent. Noah hits back. Not over and over but once, decisively. Much like the kid who was getting sick of Shanna yesterday. Ha. Shanna is so much like me.

There was a laundry list of other similar preschool drama. It was just a bratty day. She was sneaking a lot of sugar--all the kids were. There were a lot of kids we didn't know well. All kinds of stuff. I'm sure I wasn't being appropriate with the kids either. I certainly did a lot of snapping out orders and telling Shanna to either help or go to her room as we were getting ready. That never sets a day up to go well. That's my fault.

So I decided it was better to go home and have a quiet night so that I didn't start screaming at them or inappropriately punishing them. Even though we all wanted to go to the party. It wouldn't have gone well. When Shanna gets into the hitting stride she starts hitting every kid she sees--basically to learn what happens. I understand it as a learning technique. But I lose my patience and one of these days she will pick the wrong kid and end up with a bloody nose. I will not be indignant on her behalf and I think that is going to piss her off. I will of course talk with the kid and parent about it--but not from an indignant point of view.

Kids do this stuff. Let's talk about it and try to avoid it happening again because it's not ok to hit people. I do not think it is wise, reasonable, or even possible to prevent it happening entirely.

Part of the problem is that they both need a lot of active supervision and I'm one person. I get mentally fried trying to track them both in a large crowded area. That uses a lot of circuits at once. After a while I start shaking and crying when it is bad.

Part of the reason I bailed on the second party is because my kids don't know those folks. Not really. No one would have really been able to help.

The main reason I had fun at the first party is because we have been playing at the park with those families for almost a year now. There is a particular family with two older girls who come and take Calli away from me. They adore her and play with her for hours. She loves them. She walks around the house practicing their (hard, many syllables and consonants) names.

That is what community is for. That is how it is supposed to exist. Kids have lots of people they like to talk to. They don't have to be on top of me 24/7.

At the second party there is that community for other people. It is a party for a close knit group. I peripherally know a few people. The host and I adore each other--that's why I go. But I think I will email him and ask about a visit while he is on vacation next week. We can handle that. A big party full of the people he knows is harder.

I feel like that is because I am a failure. I know a lot of very social people. And they bring their kids. If I could handle going eventually those people would love to be the kind of community I have with the home schooling group. They feel like they have been that community to me in the past.

I have a weird bonding experience that seems to be partially based on exchanged work. If I feel emotionally connected to someone I want to work for them. I come over and clean peoples houses. I bring food. Now I offer to baby-sit. Taking care of kids is brutally hard work and I try to help my friends who are freaking out. And I have a few who have helped me.

It is weird how baby sitting works. It is pretty rare that I find someone I exchange kids with. Usually it primarily goes in one direction or another and I think that creates (in me) weird feelings of not knowing how to trust the situation. I can only ask for help when I am ok with the answer being no. If I actually require a yes then I have a much more difficult time with asking at all. That's dangerous. If someone tells me no to meeting a need then I hate that person and I don't want to talk to them any more. It's not particularly rational or nice. If I manage to keep my mouth shut and not burn any bridges I generally get over it with time... but it seriously takes me a while.

So I have to keep my needs small. I have to only share 'wants' with people. It's a trust thing. It isn't because anyone is doing something wrong or bad by saying no. I think people need to say no when they need to say no. I really do.

I don't understand how other people manage to believe that everything that happens to them isn't personal and doesn't matter. It is happening to me of course it is personal. I don't think it is mean or vindictive or calculated or anything like that. But it is personal. It is happening. I have been told that I am over-sensitive by entire fucking life. People told me that after sexually assaulting me. Just get over it. Don't be so sensitive. It's not a big deal.

I don't react to anything like it is a small deal any more. My life is happening to me and it has to be important to me whether it is important to anyone else or not. Or I spend a lot of time cutting to remind myself that I am not important. That is part of how I keep myself in that box. Remember Krissy, you don't matter. You don't matter. You don't matter. When I would start to get uppity in conversations and defend myself and people would get mad I would reach down and push on the cuts. That was how I could keep my mouth shut and my mind distracted.

I know that feeling as much anger and hatred as I do when someone can't meet my needs is inappropriate. I don't voice it much any more. I have learned how to silence that. It's a set of feelings. It passes. I can't help the fact that I have a lot of years of issues around no one being able to meet my needs. I'm sorry that my life has hurt me so much that I have really thin skin.

I wish I took things less personally too. I wish I was less sensitive. My life would be less tumultuous.

I frequently come back to this white trash thing. I identify my culture of origin as white trash. If I'm in a "consciousness awareness group" sort of thing (I live in California, this shit just happens here) and there is an ice breaker so people can start to understand one another and people talk about ethnicity or culture I always say white trash.

You should see the expressions on peoples faces. It's an experience. I think that mostly people just dismiss it in their minds and ignore me. Often people will say, "I grew up in a trailer/poor/rurally/whatever and I'm not white trash so you aren't either."

I love how that works for people. Good luck with that.

I am white trash because not hitting people is constant all day effort. I want to jump on people and beat them to bloody pulps on a very regular basis. I have to consciously think about not hitting pretty much all the time.

I will never own a gun because I do not believe I have enough self-control. There are people in this world I would like to see dead and I would really like to be dead. It kind of seems like a no-brainer that I should avoid guns. If something inside me ever snaps and I beat my sister to death with a baseball bat to prevent her from ever raping another child I will be surprised. That's a lot of hate. I will be surprised if I can summon the will to do that. It's extreme. Shoot her? Oh shit yeah. That can be done impulsively with very little actual effort... if you have a gun.

Wait... not everyone thinks about this? Oh.

I have spent a lot of time studying the psychology of pedophiles. It seemed important. My sister is unlikely to ever stop. She is, essentially, a rabid dog. And there is nothing I can do about it. That scares me. My brother threatened to leave his wife if she pushed him on the issue of adopting a little girl. He doesn't think he should live with a little girl. Ever. He believes they had three sons together because God knows he can't have a little girl.

I'm not trying to say that everyone who grows up poor or everyone who lives in a trailer or everyone who is homeless or or or or or or or is white trash. I am saying that I am. I am saying my family is. We have a violence in us--a twisted perversion. A lot of it comes from entitlement. I deserve to have therefore I will take.

I feel very weird about having the life I have had and then marrying Noah. He didn't tell me he was a trust fund baby until we were engaged. It was after I moved in and like a month or so before we eloped. We were having a conversation about long-term safety--specifically financially. He asked me how much money it would take before I felt "safe" quitting my job and staying home to take care of kids. How long I worked was going to be directly determined by how fast I could pay down debt (I paid off $100,000 in debt in the first year of our marriage--we lived on my teaching salary) and when we had enough of a savings buffer. He told me to give him a number. How much did I need to have before it would be ok. I told him that I really want to have a minimum of $250,000 in some kind of investment account before I will feel ok quitting.

He said, "Hold that thought" and left the room. He came back holding a piece of paper and said, "this isn't actually all of it--but this is one account" and he handed me an account statement. He had like $257,389. I think. I may be mixing up a couple of numbers in the tens or ones column. Fucking close enough.

I almost had a heart attack. I started hyperventilating. Are you for fucking real? You want to marry me and hand me everything I have ever specifically planned how to get all nice and neat wrapped up with a pretty little bow?

After we were married and he heard me reading (cause I read out loud and react to things) MDC in the single parent forum about all the things women had wished they had done before they headed towards divorce (this was while I was pregnant with Shanna. When I tell you I plan ahead I'm fucking serious.)  he grew concerned. He figured out how paranoid I actually am. When Shanna was under a year old he dragged me to a lawyer. He put all of his inheritance and pre-marriage money into a family trust so there is no chance in hell I can ever walk away from him legally with less than half his assets. (I think he's wrong. A judge would let me walk away. But I digress.)

Noah is very serious about wanting me to trust him. He works very hard at being dependable--something that is specifically challenging for him. I'm a kind of consistent he just isn't naturally. But he does it for me. Because he loves me so much.

I feel so much guilt for needing so much help from him. I do need it. He is so patient with me. I don't tell him about my needs until I am at the point of shaking and freaking out. He doesn't take my behavior personally. I don't really understand how he does that.

I feel a lot of guilt about asking him for more at any point in time. I know that when I complain bitterly about being a lot less interesting than _____ that in pretty much every case he places the needs of his physical body way below me. He hurts himself to do things for me. The things he places in his top priority spots are things that earn money.

He feels very driven by my insecurity. I feel like that is not a good thing. We are certainly long past the point where more money buys us more happiness. We have specific goals, yes. We are on track to meeting them. I think I'm the kind of crazy where I could die a billionaire but clutch a dollar bill to my chest and say, "Well at least they didn't get all my money." I don't think Noah should feel like he has to work harder. Good fucking grief man.

More money won't fill my needs. That's not the point. What is the point then? I don't know. The point is somewhere long out of focus. I will probably decide what the point was and construct the story around it in my seventies. Until then it's a mystery.

I'm kind of ridiculously glad that it is pouring rain (and lightning! and thunder!) because now I don't have to go to Fairyland. Yay.

I could decide that "God" wants me to stay home. See how this works? I don't think I should start having an invisible sky friend to blame everything on. That could go badly. Sometimes things happen. It's not about deserve. It's not about what is right. They just happen. There isn't a plan. I can't believe there is a plan that involves raping little girls. I just can't.

3 comments:

  1. gonna gank your phrase "invisible sky friend' :-)

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  2. Two events in one day is just too much. It's hard to get the hang of how much you can put yourself out there while also managing your kids, and I know you're reaching out hard to the communities you feel aligned with. But don't be afraid to say no. Hey, get in the habit of it. :D I'm going to try to take my own advice now.

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  3. Curious what your defining characteristics of "white trash" are. I know I define my upbringing that way because 1) never living in one place very long 2)poverty (dumpster diving for food) 3)chaos (druggie parties with totally inappropriate interactions as a child

    That said, I went to the same school for 1-4, 5-6, 7-8...only 3 schools for 8 years doesn't come close to what you dealt with. I lived with my dad from the time I was 5 till I was 19...again, way more stability and order than your life.

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