Thursday, January 3, 2013

not so violent after all

Once I'm crying so hard I shake the whole bed it seems like time to get up for the day. EMDR on Tuesday nights always makes it hard for me to sleep. I didn't go to bed until midnight on Tuesday. Of course I got up at 4 AM on Wednesday like normal. That's really not good. I think I slept through part of the visit of some of the homeschooling kids. That's really embarrassing. By 6 PM last night I was asleep on the floor. At 9 PM Noah woke me up and told me to brush my teeth and go to bed.

This week we were working on my fears about my siblings coming after me. In all honesty those fears are the most irrational in my life. It was really hard working through the visualization process on what I would do if my sister came after me. Ever since I was a little girl I have fantasized about how someday I would be as big or bigger than my sister. She beat me for a really long time. I have nurtured vengeance in my heart. I have spent a really lot of time and effort thinking about exactly how I would beat the ever loving shit out of her so that she could be a bloody pulp on the ground. I hate her a lot.

Unfortunately, a lot of the purpose of working through this kind of therapy is so that you think about the actual results of your actions before you do them. I couldn't do anything like that if my kids were there. I don't want my kids to see that. Especially not from me. Which means that I'm back to feeling helpless and scared it like there is nothing that I can do.

It is really hard to explain how much I want to hurt somebody else. It coexists with this really strong desire to not hurt anyone. A lot of years, maybe most of my life, I believed that the route to freedom was in being strong enough to beat them all off of you. In my mind I have been preparing for a really long time what would be necessary in order to damage my sister is much as possible. She has weakened knees. I would start there. 

My therapist told me to go home and watch the movie the girl with the Dragon tattoo. So I did. Yes. That kind of violence. I desperately want to hurt someone as badly as I have been hurt.

When I got to the part of the visualization that involved how my children would react I could keep going. I don't want to be a monster. Not in front of them. But I am so very angry.

Because I started passing out on the floor at 6 PM last night I woke up at 2 AM today. A lot of my friends have been writing year-end summaries. 2012 is like every year for me. It involves me losing major friendships. 

I feel bad. Not sick or like I don't feel well, but guilty. I feel like everything goes away because I'm bad. If I had been stronger, if I had been willing to work harder, if I had more patience, if I didn't get so angry, if I wasn't so bad maybe I would deserve more relationships. But you can't change who you are.

It is interesting to me how my self harming impulses of changed over time. I used to get to cutting and stop there and not really have to think about any other kind of hurting myself. I have so successfully treated cutting like not an option that isn't nearly as supreme in my thinking is it used to be. Now I focus really hard on wanting to beat my head against things. I feel like I want to beat some sense into my stupid skull. "I never would have agreed to that." "We spent two hours working on this together and now you say you wouldn't have agreed to it?"

I can't get things out of my head. I would like to beat my head against the floor until it hurts so bad that I can't think of anything but the pain. It's kind of stupid because my head hurts all the time anyway. I have spent most of my life using pain as a way of keeping my mouth shut. I feel crazy and bad.

When am I going to stop waking up at 2 AM to cry out for hours? Will I ever grow up?

Next week I am scheduled to start the incest support group that meets directly after my therapy session. I think that from now on I should be very careful not to schedule anyone coming over on Wednesdays. I will not be fit for human company.

I feel so broken and useless.

Sometimes it feels like I was created to live in a different world. One with a lot more violence. If what I was supposed to teach my children is how to react as fast as possible with as much violence as possible I think I could be very successful. But instead I'm supposed to treat my children nicely and I'm supposed to teach them manners and how to be polite to people. How in the fuck am I supposed to  teach something I don't know?

 I suppose it is a good thing for me to break off relationships with people who tell me I have personality disorders that multiple professionals have said I don't have. It probably isn't very nice to tell your friends that they have personality disorders.

Sometimes it feels really disorienting to live in the place of extreme hope and extreme hopelessness. I believe that I can do just about anything I set my mind to--except having relationships.

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why other people deserve love more than me. I haven't come up with an answer yet.

It isn't that I feel that I am completely unloved-- I know that some people love me. I am even vaguely aware that I'm probably loved by far more people than I can even imagine.

I wish I felt less empty.


  1. "I never would have agreed to that." "We spent two hours working on this together and now you say you wouldn't have agreed to it?"

    I didn't understand this part - who is talking? and wouldn't have agreed to what?

    1. I know it is cryptic but the set up requires a lot of explanation and would spur drama. :-/